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devisarada
01 February 2010, 10:01 PM
Namaskar

My brother in law died about 10 months ago. I have received conflicting advice over whether I can observe Shivaratri this year.

Does anyone have knowledge of this subject? I know that marriages and most celebrations are tabu during the first year after a close relative's death.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

Eastern Mind
01 February 2010, 10:09 PM
Devisarada: These customs vary slightly from sampradaya to sampradaya.

For me, a minimum of 31 days would be observed for close relatives or friends.

For a spouse, of maybe a child when you're really grieving, maybe a year. But even that would be up to you. The 31 day thing is compulsory, but not for distant relatives or distant friends. Some sects practisse only 21 days as well. So if it was me, unless I was patriculary close to this brother in law, it would be okay. So was it your sister's husband, or your husband's briother. That might also make a difference.

I would certainly seek out more than one opinion. A priest, maybe.

Aum Namasivaya

devisarada
01 February 2010, 11:59 PM
Thank-you, Eastern for your reply. He was my husband's older brother. These days, I find that if you ask 2 pundits, you get 3 different opinions. In our tradition, (West Indian, Guyanese) we are to refrain from celebrations until the 1 year puja.

I personally do not consider shivaratri a celebration (although it does comemmorate the marriage of Lord Shiva to Parvati) as much as a solemn occassion to worship Lord Shiva.

I sometimes find these rules confusing.

devotee
02 February 2010, 05:25 AM
Namaste Devi Sarda,



My brother in law died about 10 months ago. I have received conflicting advice over whether I can observe Shivaratri this year.

Does anyone have knowledge of this subject? I know that marriages and most celebrations are tabu during the first year after a close relative's death.


I don't belong to any sampradaya. The Hindus in India are not so much divided on Sampradaya basis. Normally born Hindus don't celebrate any festival upto one year from the death of any close relative. This year is counted from Holi to Holi, as Holi is considered the first day of the Year for Hindus. If Holi comes before one year even short of a month or two, people play Holi & thereafter celebrate all festivals.

Your husband's brother is definitely your close relative as per Hindu family system.

OM

Spiritualseeker
02 February 2010, 06:38 AM
Namaste,

I think the question should be left for the experts like devotee and EM, but I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. Surely your husband's brother when he passed on into the astral world realize how great it was to be free of a body. I wish him and you all the best.

Eastern Mind
02 February 2010, 08:23 AM
Thank-you, Eastern for your reply. He was my husband's older brother. These days, I find that if you ask 2 pundits, you get 3 different opinions. In our tradition, (West Indian, Guyanese) we are to refrain from celebrations until the 1 year puja.

I personally do not consider shivaratri a celebration (although it does comemmorate the marriage of Lord Shiva to Parvati) as much as a solemn occassion to worship Lord Shiva.

I sometimes find these rules confusing.

Devisarada: What you say is so true about getting different answers. Even Devotee (whom I respect dearly BTW) and I gave you two different answers. So yes it is tough decision. For me personally, I would consider an austere event like Sivaratri even more important to miss, because the reasons for these things, in my opinion, are mystical, and Sivaratri is a mystical event. (for me) ....

As for differences, Devotee would not be surprised when I say I don`t celebrate Holi at all, because it is regional. So when he talks about Holi, that correctly applies to his area of expertise in Hinduism. For me there is only one new year, and that is Tamil New Year April.

Here is my perhaps better recommendation. The main pundit at the Toronto Vishnu Mandir, a Dr. Doobay, originally from Guyana, has worked tirelessly for years to build that temple and keep the religion alive for Guyanese in Canada there. I have met him on 3 separate occasions, and he also hosts a Hinduism weekly TV show. In short, I would trust his opinion for the Hinduism variety from Guyana. You can probably contact him or a representative from that temple for your question. Best wishes. In the end, of course, it is up to you and you alone.

One of the most difficult affectionate detachment` ideas we can go through is temple festivals. What I mean is to not be troubles or upset when you miss them. I`ve often thought of doing a 21 day festival, but purposely missing the last day.

Aum Namasivaya

Eastern Mind
02 February 2010, 08:27 AM
Devisarada: Ooops. I looked at your profile. You're already in Toronto, and I'm sure you are already aware of said person. Sorry.

Aum Namasivaya

devotee
02 February 2010, 08:40 AM
Namaste EM,

I expected this response from you after writing that post. :)

Holi is not celebrated only in 3-4 states in Southern part of India. Rest of India celebrates Holi in a big way.

Yes, this year-to-year calculation may vary in some places.

OM

Eastern Mind
02 February 2010, 08:50 AM
Devotee: Yes I knew that. Just wanted to get my little shot in. Nobody can ever speak for all of Hinduism. In Mauritius, and I have no idea how, there is a festival called Govinden which was the festival there. Thai Pusam is a national holiday as well. I am not very familiar with Guyanese variety, although most of the indentured labour there seem to have been taken more from the northern states of India. So Holi, RamNavami, Krishna Janmasthtami are all probably pretty big.

Aum Shanthi

Aum Namasivaya

Ganeshprasad
02 February 2010, 09:16 AM
Pranam all

Personally I don’t see any restriction going to mandir and performing spiritually activities once the period of Sutak is over. Sutak applies both for birth and death.

One year period, is where the relatives perform various rights for the benefit of the departed souls, I was told by a priest the nearest planet takes nine month to reach. Pindas are offered every month after the initial ceremony of 13 days. These offering is done for a year, in Gujarati we call it varsi.
These days in UK at least due to lack of time or what ever this Varsi is performed and included with the Barmu or the twelth day, when all the pindas up to one year gets offered. I personally like to think if a person who was kind and helpful while living why should he become an obstacle after the departure.

Now coming to not participating in any event be it spiritual or social would largely depend on the loss one would have suffered, how near and dear that person was. One may grieve for years.

It is mainly a taboo to take part in social events, due to respect one has to be seen to give to the departed and to the relatives. in my opinion it is purely Social customs.

Spiritual practice like Sivaratri or Janamastmi there is no restriction that I know off except when one is impure. in fact spiritual practice or vrat are merits that one offers to the departed.

off course the firework at Diwali or playing with colour may be construed as having fun while a departed souls ashes have barely cooled, these are social constrained, as not to be seen as having no regards or respect for the departed souls.
 
 
 
Rules of Sutak
 
 
From the Preta-kanda of the Garuda Purana.

The impurity accruing from birth and death is fourfold. The rules of impurity are applicable to all the four castes.
The days of impurity are ten for the relatives on the father’s and mother’s side. People should avoid taking meals during this period with the relatives of the dead. The bereaved family should neither offer nor receive gifts, should neither undertake nor conduct sacrifices. The study of the Vedas and Shastras (scriptures) is strictly prohibited.
One should observe the following while performing obsequies rites; suitability of place and time, sufficiency of wealth, justification of purpose, validity of reason and his capability.
If a person dies in a forest conflagration or in some foreign country, then the impurity is soon removed by merely taking a bath.
If a child is dead in the womb or is born dead (still born), there should be no obsequies rite, no water libation and no impurity at all.
Artisans, architects, physicians, servants (male or female), kings and Vedic scholars are purified immediately.
He who is undergoing a fast (abstaining from food), he who is performing a sacrifice reciting the mantras, he who has set up a sacrificial fire or he who is a reigning monarch (ruler) – these are exempt from the rules of impurity as are also those who are exempted by the king.
For impurity accruing from birth, the rules are not so strict. Mother is purified after ten days; father just after taking a bath.
Manu has said that there is no impurity if a person dies during the days of marriage, during festivities, during days of sacrifice (religious ceremonies). The foodstuff prepared or collected for use can be utilised by the persons concerned.
Birth:relatives incur no impurity. Impurity attaches to parents alone. Primarily, it is the mother who becomes impure. Father is purified by the touch of water alone.
In birth or death, impurity lasts for ten days.
By giving food to the hungry and to the poor and the needy, the parents get rid of impurity the sages have declared.
Man is purified after bathing in water from an earthen jar, mixed with gingelly seeds and clay from holy places.
He should give gifts of some articles to the village assembly (local community organization). Wealth should be given to a Brahmin.
A person distanced by seven or eight generations or he who has not undergone the Sacrament incurs no impurity.
For men who have lost their lives for the sake of (protection of) Brahmins, cows, women, or in the battlefield, infirmity lasts for a single night only.
Brahmins do not incur impurity if they are engaged in auspicious rites. Those who arrange cremation of an orphan child with a Brahmin assisting them in this act become purified as soon as they take bath.

Jai Shree Krishna

sambya
02 February 2010, 12:15 PM
in the eastern part of india people normally dont undertake any religious offerings or visit any temple within one year from the death of the relative . this list includes only the close relatives in the line of father , like paternal uncle or grandfather etc . and the period of one year is not counted from holi but from the actuall 'tithi' (almanac date) of the death to the same tithi the next year .

however daily activities like japam and meditation are not to be discontinued at any event .

therefore it is safe to say that you can safely participate in shivaratri in your home . but do not organise a elaborate ritualistic puja with proper brahminical customs .
in bengal , durga puja is celebrated with great pomp . in many families lavish ceremonies have been continuing uninterrupted for more than 500 years ! in such a family if a death takes place the relatives usually follow this rule --- the sankalpa or the 'promise' of the puja is uttered in behalf of someone who doesnt belong to this family , and the ritualistic arrangements are done by other unaffected members or friends . while the original affected members of the household refrain from coming in close contact with the ritual objects . this way the unbroken flow of the celebrations can be maintained and shastras are also respected .

however no such formalities should not be required for personal offering and small prayers ..

devisarada
02 February 2010, 04:01 PM
Thank-you all for your wonderful advice and your good wishes for my family and my beloved brother-in-law's atma. EM, thank-you for reminding me of Dr. Doobay.
He is very knowledgeable, and I will get in touch with him. I have also met him on several occassions.

I have spoken to one Guyanese pundit whose explanation makes sense to me. There should be no frivolous merriment, no parties and no pujas to celebrate birthdays. However, it is always good to observe spiritual and austere occassions such as Maha Shivaratri even during times of mourning.

ScottMalaysia
02 February 2010, 04:06 PM
Normally born Hindus don't celebrate any festival upto one year from the death of any close relative.


My wife's family does this. They haven't celebrated Diwali properly for the past two years since two relatives passed away.

As to what must be avoided: For the first sixteen days after the death of a relative, the immediate family are considered asaucham or ritually impure. You are not supposed to visit a temple or go to any parties or social events (the funeral pujari mentioned this to my wife and sisters-in-law). If you're not a vegetarian, then you are supposed to eat only vegetarian food for the first sixteen days.

Mohini Shakti Devi
03 February 2010, 08:07 PM
I'd like to make an unexpected statement:

This subject (Tarpana) is the culmination of all the purposes of Vedic culture & learning and even yogic tapasya

Aside from the ultimate term, Putra/Putri performing the samskara rites for the departed --there is no other 'final' duty.

There is no other 'final' duty. Correct? But it is done only by those long trained in this knowledge.

I pray some one will delineate difinitively the observance of tarpana.

they could start with wath manu said.

Jai Bharatadesha Putram.

devisarada
09 February 2010, 10:05 PM
Pranam,

And thank-you all for your thoughtful replies. It does seem that there is some variance of perspective depending on what tradition one adheres to.

I have decided that it is alright for me to attend the Maha Shivaratri observances at the mandir, but not participate in the "Abishek".

thanks again everyone!