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saidevo
08 October 2006, 08:04 AM
Jaitabh Sharma writes in the 'Clean Humour' Orkut community:

1. Go to Google

2- Type in the word "Failure"

3- Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

4- Laugh uproariously

5- Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it.

satay
08 October 2006, 12:17 PM
Ironically, the word 'failure' is not to be found on the page that shows up! Google search engine is smart in that it is looking for the meaning behind the word and not just doing a literal search!

Sudarshan
08 October 2006, 12:22 PM
Not smart - hardcoded deliberately perhaps?

But the verdict is perfect.:)

Ablaze
09 October 2006, 08:43 AM
haha, and they've had it setup to go to that page for a long time now. Someone showed me that like a year ago.

Znanna
22 December 2006, 07:11 PM
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Russia, Germany and France.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American returned to America, and upon leaving Vermont sometime later decided to travel to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first temple he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Pandit, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?"
The Pandit smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a local call".



(Thanks to Dev Maharaj ...)


ZN

satay
23 December 2006, 12:08 AM
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Russia, Germany and France.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American returned to America, and upon leaving Vermont sometime later decided to travel to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first temple he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Pandit, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?"
The Pandit smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a local call".



(Thanks to Dev Maharaj ...)


ZN


This is very good...hadn't heard this before...:D

saidevo
23 December 2006, 12:29 AM
A very nice joke, Znanna--an enlightening one at that!

I think we can share such clean, 'spiritual' jokes to take time off our intensive discussions. Here are some jokes and pithy quotes from the Website http://www.swamij.com:

1. Three Yogis are doing meditative in a remote cave. One day a sound is heard from outside the cave. After about six months, one of the yogis says, "Did you hear that goat?" Once again, there was silence. About a year later, one of the other Yogis says, "That wasn't a goat; it was a mule." Again, there was silence. About two years later the third yogi says, "If you two don't stop arguing, I'm leaving."

2. Lily Tomlin: "Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"

3. A temple for atheists is a non-prophet organization.

4. If you believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand.

5. Graffiti on a wall: God is dead! (Signed Friedrich Nietzsche)
Graffiti below that: Friedrich Nietzsche is dead! (Signed God)

6. When two psychic friends met, one said:
"You are fine. How am I ?"

7. Emily Dickenson: "They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse."

8. Bumper sticker: I considered being atheist, but there weren't enough holidays.

9. Elbert Hubbard: "We are punished by our sins, not for them."

10. A group of bats, hanging from the ceiling of a cave, discover a single bat STANDING upright below them on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask, "What's wrong with you? What are you doing down there?" The standing bat answers, "Yoga!"

11. Garth Brooks: "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

12. My karma ran over my dogma....

13. Bob Hope: "I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

14. Time is the best teacher, although it kills the students

15. This fellow was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so passed, he was feeling exhausted. He looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."

Suddenly the clouds parted and a deep voice resounded, "Let Go!"
The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"

16. A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!"

"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly.

A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!"

"It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly.

17. Albert Einstein: "Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish."

18. Don't just do something -- Sit there!

NandiniBhakti
01 January 2007, 04:44 PM
Haha! I can't believe that google search!

saidevo
05 March 2007, 09:45 PM
This is about the ubiquitous world cop George Bush:

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, where is "Bob?"

saidevo
13 June 2007, 09:25 PM
Arranged vs Love Marriage: a Culture Shock

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.

We call this arranged marriage.I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, " Talking about love marriages?... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. My brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.. ? !

saidevo
13 June 2007, 09:58 PM
Another Culture Shock.
This time it's Indian!

Gujarati Funeral ...

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed

To her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT .

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese,

10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her. The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.

PS: If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days.

Your lovingly
Daughter of dead mother

saidevo
07 July 2007, 09:20 PM
Today's Realistic Worldview

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure,
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'Opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution'meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

saidevo
06 August 2007, 08:56 AM
Scrabbles You Have Never Seen!

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters:
FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

BARA THEDA
When you rearrange the letters:
ARAB DEATH

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

satay
01 October 2007, 10:00 AM
Q: How many Vedantins does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to change it, one to not change it and one to both change and not change it.

:p

source: Hindu Press International Sept 30th email

saidevo
18 October 2007, 08:59 AM
Tough Negotiations

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church. if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord, but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your Cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church if you Would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news."

The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, "that the Church will get $500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" says the Pope, "We would have to lose the Brittania Bread Account!!"

saidevo
28 March 2008, 10:19 PM
Chatterbox Philosophy

01. You can walk without sandals; but without you the sandals can't walk.
A tyre can run without a vehicle. Can a vehicle run without a tyre?

--Society of Deep Thinkers (we have no branches)

02. With the iddli wet flour you can make iddlies.
With the chapati flour you can make chapatis.
With the groundnut flour can you make groundnuts?
--The Association of Awake-All-Night Thinkers

03. Although a man has a house and lands, to board the train
he has to come to the platform. This is life.

04. There is only one day's difference between Dec.31 and Jan.1
But then between Jan.1 and Dec.31, it is one year.
This is the world.

05. Buses stop at the bus stand. Auto(rickshaw)s stop at the auto stand.
But then will the mosquitoes stop at the mosquito coil stand?
Should think about it!

06. The banana tree gives a 'tar' (bunch) of fruits.
However, with that 'tar' you can't lay the road.
(Hello, hello!)

07. If you have tooth ache, the tooth can be extracted.
But if you have pain in the leg, can the leg be extracted?
Or for the headache, can the head be extracted?
(Hey! Where are you people from?!)

08. On Sunday, you can have 'sandai' (meaning fight in Tamil).
Same way, on Monday, can you drop your 'mandai' (head in Tamil)?
(Help, somebody save me!)

09. If you go to T.Nagar (a district in Chennai) you can have tea.
But if you go to Virudhunagar (in Tamilnadu) can you get a 'virudhu' (reward in Tamil)?

10. However mighty a warrior is, he can't strike back if the sun strikes at him.

11. Water is there in the 'iLanIr' (tender coconut in Tamil).
Water is also in the Bhumi (earth).
For that, you can't have a borewell in the coconut,
or drink the earth with a straw.

12. This is a thought to be pondered lying on the back.
If cycling is to ride a bicycle,
is training to run a train,
or planning to run a plane?

Znanna
25 April 2008, 04:36 AM
➢ BRAIN OF AN INDIAN.
>
> IT IS NOT A STORY BUT A TRUE INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED IN AMERICA .....
>
> An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
> officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business
> for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
>
>
> The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys of a new Ferrari
> parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
> underground garage and parks it there.
>
> Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"
>
> The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
> two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
>
>
> Ah, the mind of the Indian...... .

yajvan
26 April 2008, 09:11 PM
Hari Om
~~~~~

Namaste,
I thought this may muse you.. for those that use Microsoft Operating system.

At a recent tech conference Bill of Microsoft reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and suggested, 'If General Motors (Auto manufacturer) kept up with the progress of technology equal to the computer industry's revolution, we would all be driving cars that cost $250 that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors pondered Bill's assessment and offered the following press release:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft"
1. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

2. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

3. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light

4 .Occasionally, on a simple maneuver like as a left turn , your car will shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. - OR-

5. Your car will stop on the freeway for no reason. To which, You would have to close all your windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. - OR -

6. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

7. Most curious to points 4, 5 and 6 above , you would simply accept this performace as SOP - Standard Operating Procedure.

8. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

9. Every time a new car was introduced to the product line, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as your existing car.

And last, not to foregt Apple:
10. Apple would introduce a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive -but would only run on five percent of the roads!


pranams

saidevo
16 September 2008, 08:52 PM
India-vs Pakistan in the U.N. Assembly

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.(Talk on Kashmir)

A representative from India began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named.

"When Rishi Kashyap struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath.'

"He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

"When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them..."

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and in support the Pakistan, he shouted, "What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then."

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.

saidevo
16 September 2008, 08:54 PM
My Daddy

IT ME TOOK 56 YEARS TO REALIZE:

At 4 Years My daddy is great.

At 6 Years My daddy knows everybody.

At 10 Years My daddy is good but is short tempered and knows little less than my friend's Daddy.

At 12 Years My daddy was very nice to me when I was young.

At 14 Years My daddy is getting fastidious.

At 16 Years My daddy is not in line with the current times. Frankly he does not know anything.

At 18 Years My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.

At 20 Years Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how Mother puts up with him.

At 25 Years Daddy is objecting to everything. Don't know when he will understand the world.

At 30 Years It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of my father when I was young.

At 40 Years Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. I wonder how he managed to handle the younger generation.

At 45 Years I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.

At 50 Years My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. (We were four brothers and sisters). I am unable to manage a single son.

At 55 Years My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us.

Even at this old age, he is able to control things. He is one of his kind and unique.

At 60 Years My daddy was great.

Thus, it took me 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st stage! But alas he is no more with us so that we can tell it to them.

So Don't waste time and Never forget your parents. Realise it in time.

saidevo
20 January 2009, 05:09 AM
Saying adieu to President Bush with his own soundbytes

(Some excerpts from a full page feature in the New Indian Express dated Jan 20, 2009, titled 'THE MOST misunderestimated PRESIDENT')

A mere editorial is not much of a sendoff for one of the worst things to have happened to the world twice over--George W. Bush Jr as President of the United States. We wanted to give you a real reason why he will be missed. So we have put together a bunch of soundbytes, which we feel represents his thinking. The body of quotable quotes is so mind-bogglingly large and Dubya's talent at coming up with them so prodigious that we are still recovering from the overexposure. If we have missed out your favourite, please feel free to berate us.

• "General. I can't name the general."
--after being asked to name the president of Pakistan, Boston, Massachusetts, Nov 3, 1999

• After he had failed a reporter's pop quiz last fall about foreign leaders, including the name of the Indian prime minister, Bush winced when a moderator mentioned the words "pop quiz". Jokingly, Bush dared the moderator to ask him the name of the Indian president. "Do you know who the president of India is?" the moderator asked obligingly. "Vajpayee", Bush said, grinning and looking pleased with himself. But Atal Behari Vajpayee is the prime minister of India; the president is K.R.Narayanan."--February 26, 2000

• "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."--Jan 3, 2000

• "The woman who knew I had dyslexia--I never interviewed her."
--responding to an article claiming he suffered from dyslexia, Orange, California, Sept 15, 2000

• "Never again in the halls of Washington DC, do I want to have to make explanations that I can't explain."--Portland, Oregon, Oct 31, 2000

• "They misunderestimated me."--Bentonville, Arkansus, Nov 6, 2000

• "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."--Washington DC, Jan 29, 2001

• "This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."
--Washington DC, April 10, 2001

• "It's amazing I won. I was running against peace, prosperity, and incumbency."--speaking to Swedish Prime Minister Goran Perrson, unaware that a live television camera was still rolling, June 14, 2001

• "Put the 'off' button on."--giving advice to parents troubled by the graphic fare on television, Feb 14, 2000

• "It's my honor to speak to you as the leader of your country. And the great thing about America is you don't have to listen unless you want to."--speaking to recently sworn in immigrants on Ellis island, July 10, 2001

• "I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging."--at the dedication of his portrait, Austin, Texas, Jan 4, 2002

• "I want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."--June 18, 2002

• "I'm the master of low expectations."--aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

• "Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace."--Washington DC, July 25, 2003

• "In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences."--Meet the Press, Feb 8, 2004

• "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."--Saginaw, Michigan, Sept 29, 2000

• "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.--Washington DC, May 25, 2004

• "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."--

• "Because he's hiding."--responding to a reporter who asked why Osama bin Laden had not been caught, aboard Air Force One, Jan 14, 2005

• "This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table."--Brussels, Belgium, Feb 22, 2005

• "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."--interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept 6, 2006

• "The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done."--Greeley, Colorado, Nov 4, 2006

• "Make no mistakes about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die."--Washington DC, Dec 7, 2006

• "I've heard he's been called Bush's poodle. He's bigger than that."--on former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, as quoted by the Sun, June 27, 2007

• "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."--Washington DC, May 12, 2008

• "Goodbye from the world's greatest polluter."--in parting words to Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

• "I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best."--White House, Washington DC, Jan 12, 2009

Here is more of Bush's soundbytes that have earned the name 'Bushism':
(http://www.slate.com/id/76886/)

• "One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis."--Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

• "In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession."--Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009

• "I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system."--Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

• "I've been in the Bible every day since I've been the president."--Washington, D.C., Nov. 12, 2008

• "He was a great father before politics, a great father during politics and a great father after politics."--On his father, George H.W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 12, 2008

• "The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer—prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them."--Baton Rouge, La., Sept. 3, 2008

• "And they have no disregard for human life."--Describing the brutality of Afghan fighters, Washington, D.C., July 15, 2008

• "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office."--Washington, D.C., June 26, 2008

• "And I, unfortunately, have been to too many disasters as president."--discussing flooding in the Midwest, Washington, D.C., June 17, 2008

• "The public education system in America is one of the most important foundations of our democracy. After all, it is where children from all over America learn to be responsible citizens, and learn to have the skills necessary to take advantage of our fantastic opportunistic society."--Santa Clara, Calif., May 1, 2002

saidevo
02 February 2009, 11:23 PM
Management Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:

"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:"Okay. "

The young man parks the car,connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled withlogarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"That' s correct, you an have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are a Management Consultant from a top-notch consultancy like McKinsey,etc. .".

How did you know?" asks the surprised young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd.

"First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, And third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my DOG back?"

saidevo
28 January 2010, 06:53 AM
Leadership philosophy

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr.President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims,

"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Manmohan Singh!"

==========

saidevo
03 March 2010, 09:27 AM
Classy insults!

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

*****

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."

*****

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

*****

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

*****

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow

*****

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

*****

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book;
I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

*****

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." - Mark Twain

*****

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar
Wilde

*****

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

*****

II feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

*****

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

*****

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -
Irvin S. Cobb

*****

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

*****

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

*****

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

*****

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

*****

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

*****

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

*****

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -
Oscar Wilde

*****

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

*****

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

*****

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.." - Groucho
Marx

*****

Eastern Mind
05 April 2010, 08:43 AM
Puns


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes..

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion..

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine..

Aum

NayaSurya
11 April 2010, 06:36 PM
We were coming home from my dental surgery and I saw a church with a huge white sign with those removable letters and it read....

"Jesus is Lord"
"Sun 9-10"

I wanted to go find some letters and add....

Siva is Lord
24/7



Silly but so true!:p

I don't think they realized how silly that would read to a nonchristian:P

Ashvati
12 April 2010, 09:22 PM
And soon after, it would probably be changed to "Shiva is Lady" by some westerner who thinks Shiva is a six-armed goddess. The question is, is that funnier than the initial change?

satay
13 April 2010, 09:33 AM
namaste,


And soon after, it would probably be changed to "Shiva is Lady" by some westerner who thinks Shiva is a six-armed goddess. The question is, is that funnier than the initial change?

Actually this is funny. Once I offered to give a ride to a co-worker in my car. He sat down in the passenger seat and immediately commented on the picture of shiva I have sitting on the dashboard and said, "who is the blue lady with the pitch fork?" :)

NayaSurya
13 April 2010, 10:01 AM
LoL!

My reply would be..."That's you brotha!"


We had a friend of my oldest son come over and when she walked in she went directly into my prayer room. Siva is on Batik upon my wall about 4 feet tall and three feet wide...LOL

The girl refused to sit down! She paced back and forth for almost an hour unsure what to do....It was like a cat on a hot tin roof.

It was sad at the time, but now my son and the rest of the family laugh about it. :p

Ashvati
13 April 2010, 10:55 AM
Before we get back to clean humor, does anyone else here think a lot of devotional art makes male gods look a little more feminine than it should?

saidevo
16 July 2010, 07:29 AM
Some one-liners to ponder

• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.

• There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

• Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished.

• When I was born, I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half.

• Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• Honesty may be the best policy, but it is important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.

• Ability is what will get you to the top, if the boss has no daughter.

• Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

• If our Constitution allows us free speech, why are these phone bills?

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• If you can't convince them, confuse them.

• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

• Who says nothing is impoissible? I have been doing nothing for years.

• I am so clever that sometimes that I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

• My mother's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

• A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

• When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

saidevo
13 September 2010, 05:50 AM
An interpretation of the new symbol for the Indian Rupee:

594

Eastern Mind
13 September 2010, 07:50 AM
Vannakkam Saidevo: So which one of those characters is a caricature of yourself?

Aum Namasivaya

saidevo
13 September 2010, 10:06 AM
vaNakkam EM.

Middle class, of course, both spiritually and in worldly life. In worldly life by God's grace I am able to make both ends meet, but then in spiritual both the ends never consciously meet, and I await some grace from God.

saidevo
20 September 2010, 07:46 AM
From a forwarded mail I received:

Always ask, never assume!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is ...
You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Life is short.......
Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME.

saidevo
08 October 2010, 09:39 PM
Here is a snapshot of the statistics of perhaps the largest Hindu Forum on the Net!

602

satay
09 October 2010, 11:52 PM
namaskar,


Here is a snapshot of the statistics of perhaps the largest Hindu Forum on the Net!

602

26 active members created 16 million threads? :)

saidevo
10 October 2010, 11:48 AM
Commonwealth Games -- Corruption Wali Games

http://manmohansingh.sulekha.com/blog/post/2010/10/lighter-side-of-common-wealth-games/comment/1948967.htm
http://www.funonthenet.in/forums/index.php?topic=189446.0
http://www.brijeshpandya.com/page/CWG-Corruption-Issue-Contract-List.aspx

saidevo
21 November 2010, 07:51 PM
Management lesson from Pathan

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened – Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next..

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of the poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

*****

TatTvamAsi
21 November 2010, 08:16 PM
Some great jokes here! haha..

Here's one:

An Indian couple are on their way from Bangalore to Delhi by train for vacation. In their compartment, they happen to come across a few people in uniform. They turn out to be Pakistani soldiers.

The couple settle down and get comfortable and the one of the Pakistani soldiers asks, "I see you're going to have a baby. What will you want your child to be when he grows up? Assuming he's male?" The Indian man replies, "If it's a boy, I would love for him to be a strong man and join the Indian Army!" The Pakistani soldiers exchange glances and then the inquisitive one asks, "If it's a girl?" The Indian man enthusiastically says, "She will become a scientist and work for the DRDO (Defense Research and Development Organization [of India])!"

The Pakistani soldier then smiles and quips, "What if it's neither a boy nor a girl?"

The Indian man smiles and calmly states, "Then it will join the Pakistani Army!"

:D :) ;)

hahahahhahaha..

saidevo
27 November 2010, 06:22 AM
Microsoft Magic

From a mail I received today:

MAGIC #1

An Indian discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as "CON". This is something pretty cool...and unbelievable... At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened!
TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE 'CON' FOLDER.

MAGIC #2
For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want.
4.) Close it, and re-open it.

is it just a really weird bug? :-??

MAGIC #3
microsoft crazy facts

This is something pretty cool and neat...and unbelievable... At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!

It was discovered by a Brazilian. Try it out yourself...

Open Microsoft Word and type

=rand (200, 99)

And then press ENTER
then see the magic................................

*****

PS:
As for the magic #1, here is a possible answer:
In MS-DOS, the term con and con: (notice colon) is the device name for the computer console, which was internally mapped to files with handles to open for the OS. Therefore, the user is not allowed to create a folder in the name con, as Microsoft have retained the same device names at the command prompt level in their Windows.

saidevo
14 December 2010, 08:03 AM
Position or Performance?

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Bangaluru!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & old scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED.'

Moral of the story: It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.

Believer
19 December 2010, 03:46 PM
Enjoy the video, if you can connect to Colbert's humor about TSA.

http://eater.com/archives/2010/12/16/stephen-colbert-hides-privates-from-those-tsa-perverts-with-pancakes.php

Adhvagat
04 January 2011, 11:22 PM
One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

Source: http://www.stephen-knapp.com/jokes_and_anecdotes.htm

:D

Believer
13 January 2011, 10:52 AM
A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation")is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax


1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. Going to mandir doesn't make you a Hindu any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

4. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire

11. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

12. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

13. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

14. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

17. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

18. Hospitality:making your guests feel like they're at home,even if you wish they were.

19. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,and a shot of tequila.

22. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

23. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

24. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

25. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

saidevo
28 January 2011, 07:35 PM
From a mail I received today:
Wife and Girlfriend

Wife is like a TV set,
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE phone .

At home u watch TV,
But when u go out u take ur MOBILE.

No money, u sell the TV,
Got money u change ur MOBILE.

Sometimes u enjoy TV,
But most of the time u play with ur MOBILE.

TV is free for life,
But for the MOBILE , if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old,
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable,
But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.

TV has a remote,
MOBILE doesn't.

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen),
But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).

Last but not least ..
TVs don't have viruses,
But MOBILEs often do!

Eastern Mind
02 February 2011, 09:35 AM
Vannakkam:

Go to google maps. Use the 'get directions' button and type in USA as the start point and Japan as the end point. Then scroll down to direction #31.

Aum Namasivaya

Sahasranama
02 February 2011, 10:27 AM
Vannakkam:

Go to google maps. Use the 'get directions' button and type in USA as the start point and Japan as the end point. Then scroll down to direction #31.

Aum Namasivaya

That was probably the lowest cost option aside from swimming.

wundermonk
23 February 2011, 05:12 AM
My Daddy

IT ME TOOK 56 YEARS TO REALIZE:

At 4 Years My daddy is great.

At 6 Years My daddy knows everybody.

At 10 Years My daddy is good but is short tempered and knows little less than my friend's Daddy.

At 12 Years My daddy was very nice to me when I was young.

At 14 Years My daddy is getting fastidious.

At 16 Years My daddy is not in line with the current times. Frankly he does not know anything.

At 18 Years My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.

At 20 Years Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how Mother puts up with him.

At 25 Years Daddy is objecting to everything. Don't know when he will understand the world.

At 30 Years It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of my father when I was young.

At 40 Years Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. I wonder how he managed to handle the younger generation.

At 45 Years I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.

At 50 Years My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. (We were four brothers and sisters). I am unable to manage a single son.

At 55 Years My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us.

Even at this old age, he is able to control things. He is one of his kind and unique.

At 60 Years My daddy was great.

Thus, it took me 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st stage! But alas he is no more with us so that we can tell it to them.

So Don't waste time and Never forget your parents. Realise it in time.

Saidevo...this got me choked up. Beautiful one.

saidevo
07 March 2011, 06:58 AM
From a mail I received today:

How the kids completed the proverbs

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds - the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.

2.
Strike while the
bug is close.

3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.

4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.

5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?

6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.

7.
No news is
impossible

8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.

9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Math

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust
Me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.

13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.

15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is
not much.

17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.

21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.

22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box

24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.

25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26.
Better late than
Pregnant

saidevo
22 March 2011, 09:01 PM
Jokes in the mail I received:

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.....

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie:
Because women Ask too Many Questions..

Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager...

*****

One Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain

*****

Adhvagat
25 March 2011, 02:54 AM
Larry Eats Jesus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xtJrH0IHso

Hard lols when I watch this from time to time.

Arjuni
25 March 2011, 03:34 AM
Hee! I love this thread.

Pietro, I had a good chuckle over poor Larry and the cookies. Have some excessively clean humour in return: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYU_GSL1MGc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYU_GSL1MGc)

Indraneela
===
Oṁ Indrāya Namaḥ.
Oṁ Namaḥ Śivāya.

saidevo
01 April 2011, 05:58 AM
A Difficult Judgment

In a small town in India, a person decided to open up his bar shop, which was right opposite to a temple.

The temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Meanwhile work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the temple authorities on the grounds that the temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through their direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the bar shop's demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that don't."

Adhvagat
03 April 2011, 12:12 PM
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20051230234543/uncyclopedia/images/6/69/Bayeux_all_your_base.jpg

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Crusades


A Difficult Judgment

In a small town in India, a person decided to open up his bar shop, which was right opposite to a temple.

The temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Meanwhile work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the temple authorities on the grounds that the temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through their direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the bar shop's demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that don't."

:laugh:

PARAM
04 April 2011, 11:41 AM
One Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain


This was from an Indian




:laugh:

Difficult Judgment was very good joke, but I dont know if that was true story ?

Adhvagat
06 April 2011, 12:50 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tw7LIykvBw

Mohanty posted this on FB yesterday. :D

Arjuni
06 April 2011, 12:52 AM
Hahaha! One of my favourite bits from that show, and I'd only seen it in a pretty grainy clip before. Thanks. :D

Indraneela
===
Oṁ Indrāya Namaḥ.
Oṁ Namaḥ Śivāya.

Sahasranama
06 April 2011, 01:05 AM
What is that show called?

Adhvagat
06 April 2011, 01:21 AM
'Goodness Gracious Me', I think.

Adhvagat
14 April 2011, 05:53 AM
http://pixdaus.com/single.php?id=278081

An angry sadhu shouting at the pilgrims for not giving him enough alms at the famous Gangasagar Fair, West Bengal, India, by Tuhin Dey.

Angry sadhu? Really? :p

Adhvagat
14 April 2011, 05:57 AM
namaskar,



26 active members created 16 million threads? :)

They're like the internet prajapatis. :D

Sahasranama
17 April 2011, 03:42 AM
Re: Jesus loves you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2bpc7LSRZc

Ramakrishna
18 April 2011, 03:59 AM
Re: Jesus loves you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2bpc7LSRZc


Hilarious on so many levels! :laugh:

Jai Sri Ram

saidevo
29 April 2011, 08:30 PM
* I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Cheque books.

* The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new cars.

* What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

* What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
Ans: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

* Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

* Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

* Q: Why dogs don't marry?
Ans: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

* Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
Ans: One woman brings you into the world crying and the other ensures that you continue to do so.

* Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

saidevo
30 April 2011, 11:15 PM
Art

Visiting the Modern Art Museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. "This", she said, "I suppose is a hideous representation of what you call modern art?"
"No madam", replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
==========

Visitor to art exhibit: "Why did they hang this picture?"
"Must be because they couldn't find the artist!"
==========

"What did your father say when you told him you wanted to be an artist?"
"Oh," he said, "All right, but don't start drawing on me."
==========

Beggar: Actually, I am an author. I once wrote a book titled "One hundred ways to earn a fortune".
Businessman: Then why are you begging?
Beggar: This is one of the ways.
==========

Business

"How come, these sausages are meat at one end and sawdust at the other?", asked the old lady.
"That's right, madam", replied the salesman without a change of expression. "It is nowadays hard to make both ends meat."
==========

A businessman engaged a boy who worked well but persisted in whistling jazz tunes.

Unable to bear this any longer, the employer said: "For goodness sake, if you must whistle all the time, whistle something decent."

"Well, sir", replied the boy, "you can't expect a grand opera for ten shillings a week."
==========

"Do you make life-size enlargements of snapshots?"
"That's our speciality."
"Fine. Here's a picture I took of Mount Everest."
==========

A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"
==========

saidevo
05 May 2011, 08:55 PM
Oxymorons

Oxymorons is a figure of speech in which opposite or contradictory ideas or terms are combined. We use them these days freely in our daily speech and writing for emphasis, perhaps as much as the simile and metaphor, which are two other popular figures of speech.

First a verse about oxymoron:
His honour rooted in dishonour stood,
And faith unfaithful kept him falsely true.
--Alfred Lord Tennyson

a fine mess
a just war
a new classic
absolutely unsure
accurate estimate
act naturally
active retirement
adult children
advanced beginner
agree to disagree
all alone
altogether separate
alone in a crowd
almost done
almost ready
amateur expert
American culture
amicable divorce
anarchy rules!
anonymous colleague
anxious patient
apathetic interest
artificial intelligence
assistant supervisor
astranomically small
authentic replica
awefully good
awefully nice
awefully pretty

baby giant
bad health
balanced insanity
balding hair
bankrupt millionaire
barely dressed
beaucractic efficiencies
benevolent despot
benign neglect
benign tumour
better than new
beyond infinity
big baby
bigger half
bipartisan cooperation
birth control
bitter sweet
black gold
blameless culprit
bland spice
blind eye
blue rose
books on tape
boring entertainment
born dead
boyish grandpa
brave politician
brief speech
bright night
budget deficit
bug-free code
buried alive
business ethics

calculated error
calculated risk
calm storm
camping resort
canned fresh
casual intimacy
cautiously optimistic
cavalier concern
center around
certain risk
certainly unsure
chaotic organization
cheerful pessimist
chilling fever
civil disobedience
civil war
clean air
clearly confused
clearly misunderstood
clever fool
climb down
clogged drain
close distance
cold hotdog
colorless kaleidoscope
combative apology
commercial art
common sense
comparatively unique
complete separation
completed research
completely educated
conscripted volunteer
considerate boss
consistent discrepancies
conspicuously absent
constant variable
constructive criticism
contra assistance
conventional wisdom
corporate culture
corporate family
countless numbers
crash landing
criminal justice
critical acclaim
current history
customer satisfaction

...to continue with the list.

Meantime, some oxymoron poems for kids by Christopher:
http://www.kidpub.com/story/oxymoron-poems-1132

A blind man looks back
Into the future with the
Ear-splitting whispers of
Unconcealed ghosts
Thundering silently.

A wealthy peasant marches
Weakly across a blazing glacier
As the stars in the cloudy sky
Glisten grimly.

Solid water surges down a
Minuscule mountain into
A celestial hell.

A colossal dinghy raises
Its feather-light anchor
With vicious doves circling
In the bright winter sky.

*** *** ***

saidevo
06 May 2011, 09:02 PM
Husband and wife

Here is a mail I received today, suggesting a civil way of fighting between a married couple:

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart--
and I got a heart attack!

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you!

saidevo
08 May 2011, 09:18 PM
A keen immigrant Indian Marwadi lad applied for a salesman's job at a premier downtown department store.

In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes sir, I was a salesman in India ", replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "Sir, Just ONE sale." said the young salesman. "Only one sale?" blurted the boss. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale.

By the way "How much was the sale worth?"

$236,000" said the young Marwadi.

"What"," How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer. I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!"

"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, your weekends screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."

Boss - "You sit in my chair...

saidevo
10 May 2011, 07:29 AM
Limericks about Hinduism
Ashram by SheilaB
If your passion is deep meditation,
Contemplation, and reincarnation,
If you're hell-bent to brood
(And like Indian food),
Then an Ashram may be your salvation.

atman by SheilaB
The innermost self is the Atman
In Sanskrit. I dig it a lot, man.
Since I studied a smidgen
Of Hindu religion,
A new understanding I've got, man.

attitude by mephistopheles
My yoga class seeks to explain
How to ride on a spiritual plane.
But my real life intrudes,
Soon disrupting my moods:
This plane's attitude's hard to maintain.

Holi by mrsrev
I went to a party last year
Where they tossed around lots of AbIr.
Now my chin is all green
With a glittery sheen,
And my nose has turned purple. How queer!

caste by mephistopheles
In some one-shot religions, it's said,
There is heaven or hell once you're dead.
But in caste-centered sects
The believer expects
Several do-over lifetimes instead.

A caste is a social division,
Where, according to Hindu tradition,
You inherit your job
From your grandfather, Bob,
And the rank of his social position.

avatar by Jane Auerbach
A deity, human in form
Like ViShNu (most often the norm);
An embodiment of
A concept, like love—
An avatar? You're getting warm.

avidyA by Chuck Folkers
avidyA: it means I forgot
My divinity. That is my lot.
You see that old sod?
He thinks that he's God.
I am, but I think that I'm not.

Ashrama by Chuck Folkers
Education is Ashrama one.
Two is work. (Not a great deal of fun.)
Number three: leave society;
Four: practice piety—-
Live as a hermit or nun.

Ayurvedic by Carol June Hooker
If Kapha and Pitta and Vatta
Unbalance, then something's the matta.
Your alternative medic,
Through routes Ayurvedic,
Rebalances dosha errata.

Aditi by SheilaB
She's a great Hindu goddess; with ease
She redresses both sin and disease.
Aditi, on high,
Named for "limitless sky,"
Is creatress of all that one sees.

Aditya by SheilaB
The Adityas are gods of the sun.
There are twelve; for each month there is one.
Aditi's their mother
So each is a brother;
In the Vedas their stories are spun.

antaranga by Chuck Folkers
I consider the scholarship shoddy
Claiming yoga's a thing of the body.
Antarangas, you'll find,
Are concerned with the mind:
They are dharana, dhyana, samadhi.

Ref:
http://www.oedilf.com/db/Lim.php?Topic=310

saidevo
16 May 2011, 10:41 PM
Life

Once upon a time, there lived a farmer who owned a big hayfield. The farmer's son decided he would go to the city to earn his living, so one day he packed all his bags and left home. But when he got to the city, the best he could do was a job as a bootblack at the railroad station...

...Now the father makes hay while the son shines.
==========

In a U.S. Western town, a notice runs thus: "In this town, last year, 4029 died of gas. 2 inhaled it; 27 put a match to it; 4000 stepped on it."
==========

Guest to lift man: "Why do you keep calling me 'son'?"
"Well I brought you up, didn't I?"
==========

A policeman stopped a lady and asked for her license. He said "Lady it says here you should be wearing glasses".

"Well I have contacts..." the woman answered.
"I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket!"
==========

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks, "What for?"
She responds, "I want to kill my husband."
He says, "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
==========

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
==========

Beware of the Dog!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me....Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign....people kept tripping over him."
==========

saidevo
17 May 2011, 10:27 PM
Marketing Tactics

There were two rival stores in the main street located across each other in a small town in the U.S.One day one of the stores put up a sign:

'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.

'The Cheapest Store in This Town', countered the other.

'... in This Part of the Country'.

'... in This State'.

'... in the USA'.

'... in the Western Hemisphere'.

'... in the World'.

'... in the Universe'.

After a short pause the first store owner simply replaced his sign: 'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.
==========

Smart Car Parking

An Indian walks into a New York City bank and asks to see the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are little puzzled." While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Indian replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks just for 15 bucks?"
==========

saidevo
18 May 2011, 11:44 AM
Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" said Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you fool. Somebody has stolen our tent."
=====

Michael DeBakey

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
=====

saidevo
21 May 2011, 10:59 PM
Quips

The greatest trial of patience is a stammering barrister examining a stuttering witness in the presence of a deaf judge.
==========

Snakeskins make the best shoes.
And banana skins make the best slippers.
==========

Sign at a cobbler's shop:
We doctor your shoes, heel them, attend their dyeing and save their soles.
==========

"I'm sorry to hear that your factory was burnt down. What do you manufacture?"
"Fire-extinguishers."
==========

What part of the car causes the most accidents?
The nut that holds the wheel.
==========

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
==========

Some minds are like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
==========

Do you know what Pakistan's National Airline--PIA--stands for ?

"Please Inform Allah" (as soon as flight takes off).
==========

Socialism: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and gives you milk.
Fascism: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and sells you milk.
Nazism: You have two cows, the government takes both of them and shoots you.
Capitalism: You have two cows, you sell one of them and buy a bull.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows, the government takes both of them, shoots one of them, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
Democracy: You have two cows, and they both go on strike.
==========

saidevo
23 May 2011, 07:33 AM
Quibbles

Mr. Little lived in a little house in a little town, and he worked for a very little salary. The neighbours wondered how Mr. Little and the whole Little family could get along on such a small salary. He was asked: "Mr. Little, how do you and Mrs.Little and the seven little Littles get along on such a little salary?"

He replied, "Every Little helps."
==========

In a forest where bananas grow
A fly stepped on an elephant's toe
And the elephant with tears in his eyes
Said "Aah pick on somebody your size."

What can you break with only one word?
Silence.
What flower is in between your nose and chin?
Two lips!

Can February march?
No, but April may.

What travels faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you often catch the cold!

What bird is present in every meal?
The swallow.

What is the difference between a school, car, robber and cholera ?
A school breaks up, a car breaks down, a robber breaks in and cholera breaks out.

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do scientists call it 're'search when looking for something new?

If vegetable oil's made of vegetables, and olive oil's made of olives ... what is baby oil made of?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
==========

saidevo
24 May 2011, 08:52 AM
Classroom

Student: Sir, would you punish a person for something that he hasn't done?
Teacher: Never.
Student: Thank you sir,I haven't done my homework.

Why is that the colour of the vein is green even though the blood flowing through it is red?
'Coz it is similar to a watermelon.

Father: Well son, how are your school marks?
Son: They are under water dad.
Father: What do you mean?
Son: Below "C" level.

Two boys trying to outwit each other.
Boy1: My father built the Alps.
Boy2: You've heard of the Dead Sea? No? Well my father killed it.

Father: At last I've cured my son of biting his nails.
Neighbour: Really? How did you do that?
Father: I knocked all his teeth out.

Mother, scolding her child: If you fall from that tree and break your legs don't come running to me.

Eastern Mind
24 May 2011, 09:16 PM
Vannakkam all:

So I'm off to my regular appointment with my psychiatrist, Dr. Sharma. As usual, he greets me courteously at the door, after I sign in with that mystical looking secretary of his.
"So how can I help you today, EM? What's on your mind? Did anything striking occur to you this week?" You know, the usual toss about a few words, maybe I can get this guy talking a bit.
I look across his dark and mellow wooden desk, thinking, "At least the old sot didn't put me on that hideous couch where all the other weirdos must have lain. Can't imagine the auric remnants in THAT place!"
Then I say, "Well, yes, Doctor, something has been bugging me this week. I can't seem to get it off my mind, either."
"What's that, EM?" he asks, trying his best to sound interested. After all, its four in the afternoon, and he's been listening to people with problems all day long. I know he's not interested, but still, that's his dharma, eh?
"Well, Doc. It seems that every single time I start talking with someone, about any topic at all, no matter when, where, who, or any other W question, it always comes up the same, and frankly, its getting to be a bit annoying."
"How annoying?" he asks curiously, as if he cared.
"I think I might just kill the next guy who does it." I don't really mean this, but use exaggeration just for effect.
"So what is it that bugs you?" he asks. I think the cold stare I gave him when I said I might kill the next guy who does it has piqued his interest a bit, because his blinking rate has increased. He seems more alert.
So I just let out the problem. "Every single time, whomever it is, no matter what I say, the other person just HAS to disagree with me! It's darn frustrating!"
Without any hesitation, he looks at me with some compassion. "Now you know, EM, that just can't be true."
Well, .....


Aum Namasivaya

Eastern Mind
25 May 2011, 07:57 PM
Beware of the Dog!



Vannakkam: This one reminded me of my favorite dog joke.

A three legged dog, a Siberian husky, walks into a saloon, and leaps up to a stool, staring at he bartender. The bartender mentions that he doesn't get many dogs in the bar, but still asks, "So what can I get you? My guess would be vodka." (Siberian?)

In a deep husky voice, the dog just says, "Nothing. I'm just lookin' for that nasty man who shot my Paw."

Aum Namasivaya

Eastern Mind
26 May 2011, 07:21 PM
Vannakkam:

So I'm back in Dr. Sharma's office for my bimonthly visit. After the cordials, he asks me what's up lately. I explain to him that I've been having these very strange dreams ... must have been from some past life here in North America. I'm a nomad on the great plains of America, but I'm not a person. I'm just being dragged along like a tent. I can see everything going on in the little nomadic buffalo hunting group I'm attached to.
"Are they speaking anything?" he asks.
I explain to him that its Cree, and the reason I know is I watched some shows on television, on the First Nations channels here.
He says he doesn't know what Cree sounds like as he only knows Hindi, Gujarati, German, English, Punjabi, and some Latin from med school. But he gets interested in what I was manifesting as, or where my awareness was. I thought he was just a shrink, but apparently has has an interest in reincarnation. Go figure!
I tell him that the tents were made of buffalo skin, and were called tipis.
He nods his head in some sort of understanding, and says, "I have an idea about this. It's a very rare symptom, but I think I know. I have to give you a prescription, and you need to take it for two weeks until you come back for your next visit."

Two weeks later I'm back, and he asks how its going and how the dreams are. I explain to him that the very same unusual nomadic dreams are happening, except that over the two weeks the whole background context has shifted. Its colder and the being that I am is larger and rounder, but it's still like I can see everything. Its a totally new language but the people still hunt and stuff like that.
He asks me to describe the 'being' I'm inhabiting, and he says. "Its more or less as I figured, EM. That thing is Mongolian and its called a yurt."
I look curiously at him. "So what does that have to do with your diagnosis? You're gonna give me some more drugs, and I'm gonna be in some tribe in the Amazon?"
"Nope. Clearly the problem is that you're just too tense."

(two tents)

Aum Namasivaya

saidevo
27 May 2011, 09:37 PM
The words of our English professor about the definition of humour, still echo in my mind:
Humour is the quick perception of lack of proportion and kind expression of it.

I like humour of many kinds, including harmless practical jokes, but I like humour with wit and wisdom more. Here are some such quotes:

• "The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work."--Emile Zola

• "A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday."--Thomas Ybarra

• "A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author."--G.K. Chesterton,

• "Hollywood is like being nowhere and talking to nobody about nothing."--Michelangelo Antonioni

• "You can fool all the people all the time if the advertising budget is big enough."--Ed Rollins

• "You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."--Franklin P. Jones

• "A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."--Carl Sandburg

• "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."--Oscar Wilde

• "A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch."--Hermione Gingold

• "Your eyes are always bigger than your stomach."--Confucius

• "In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."--Martin Luther King, Jr

• "A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company."--Gian Vincenzo Gravina

• "If only bad habits could be broken as easily as hearts!"--Christopher Spranger

• "Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you will cease to be so."--John Stuart Mill

• "Alas, fortune does not change men; it unmasks them."--Stephen T. Steve

• "If you cannot convince them, confuse them."--Harry S. Truman, 33rd U.S. Presiden

• "The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters."--Jean-Paul Kauffmann

• "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."--George Santayana, U.S. philosopher

• An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today."--Laurence J. Peter

• "Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."--Wilson Mizner

• "Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."--Andy Rooney

saidevo
31 May 2011, 10:52 PM
Courtroom

"You know the difference between a priest and a donkey?" asked the lawyer.
"What's that?", said the priest.
"The priest prays, the donkey brays."
"Well", said the priest calmly, "you know the difference between a lawyer and a donkey?"
"No", said the lawyer.
"There's no difference."
==========

Counsel: "What's your age, madam?"
Witness: (hesistatingly) "I've seen twenty-three summers."
Counsel: "How many summers were you blind?"
==========

Smith was a young lawyer, clever in many respects, but very forgetful. He had been sent to interview an important client, when the head of the firm received this telegram: "Have forgotten name of client. Please wire at once."

The reply was a masterpiece of sarcasm. It ran: "Client's name Jenkins. Your name Smith."
==========

Convict no.600: "It took me nearly two years to complete this book."
Convict no.610: "Oh, that's nothing. It took me five years to complete a sentence."
==========

"How did the explosion occur?", exclaimed an expert witness in court.
"The reason's clear. The engineer was full and the boiler was empty."
==========

Did you hear about the lawyer who named his daughter Sue?
==========

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear in court?
Lawsuits.
==========

saidevo
31 May 2011, 11:11 PM
RK Laxman's cartoons: some links
http://www.indiancaricature.com/modules/cartoons/public-album.php?id=51
http://o3.indiatimes.com/readatyourrisk/archive/2006/06/01/740004.aspx
http://www.nirmaltv.com/2007/11/30/friday-fun-r-k-laxmans-cartoons/
http://funny-forwards-jokes.blogspot.com/2008/03/rk-laxmans-cartoons.html
http://sapan.freehostia.com/pictures/political-cartoons-r-k-laxman/

saidevo
05 June 2011, 09:35 PM
Courtroom utterances: These are questions asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials.

Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15th.
Q. Which year?
A. Every year.

Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up?
A. "Where am I Cathy?"
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.

Q. Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed?

Q. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy did you check for the pulse?
A. No.
Q. Did you check the blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive nonetheless?
A. It is possible he could be alive and practicing law somewhere.
==========

Overheard while sitting in court.
One advocate to the other, after a girl had passed them: 'She has a supreme court figure.'
The other: 'What do you mean?'
First one: 'No appeal.'
==========

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.
==========

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
==========

saidevo
07 June 2011, 10:03 PM
Travel

(A group of mad people in an aeroplane)

Pilot: (to the head of the mad guys) Why is there so much noise?
Head: Sir, wait a minute. I'll silence them. (goes inside).

Pilot: What did you do, it's absolutely silent inside! Head: Simple sir. I told them all to go out and play in the open space.
==========

A man sat on a train, chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly the old lady sitting opposite him said: "It's no good talking to me young man. I am stone deaf!"
==========

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
==========

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing not more than fifty feet from them.

The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes. Then, as the bear slowly approached them, he furiously attempted to lace them up.

The second man, somewhat confused, looked at the first man and said, "Whaddya doing? Running shoes ain’t gonna help! You can't outrun that there bear!"

"I don't need to outrun the bear, buddy," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."
==========

saidevo
27 June 2011, 11:12 PM
The best accounting firm

Three accountants were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two accountants, he said, "At Price Waterhouse Coopers, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned to the others and said, "At KPMG, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third accountant finished his job and walked straight to the door, and speaking over his shoulder as he left, he said, "At Shah & Patel, we don't pee on our hands."
==========

Tintumon jokes

Dad to Tintumon: When I beat you how did you control your anger?
Tintumon: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Tintumon: I clean it with your tooth brush.
==========

Dad: Do u know how to swim?
Tintumon: No.
Dad: A dog is better than you! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do you know how to swim?
Dad: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what's the difference between you and a dog?
==========

Tintumon called FM radio & said: "I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card and an ID card of Mr.Mani, No.13, Halls rd, kannur..."

Radio jocky: How honest! So you want to return his purse?

Tintumon: No. I just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him.
==========

Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.

"Dad," tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up..."
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"...what bus should I take home?" Tintumon finished.
==========

Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers."
==========

Teacher: Chemical symbol of Barium?
Tintumon: BA
Teacher: For Sodium?
Tintumon: NA
Teacher: What will we get if 1 atom of Barium and 2 atoms of Sodium combines?
Tintumon: "BANANA"
==========

The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program.

“There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning. Wouldn’t it be better to hear one at a time?”

Tintumon shouted, “Okay – you start.”
==========

Teacher: Imagine you are a millionaire and write ur life history.
Tintumon didn’t write.
Teacher: Why are you not writing?
Tintumon: I’m waiting for my secretary to take notes...
==========

teacher: Write the passive voice of "I made a mistake" ?
Tintumon: "I was made by a mistake."
==========

Tintumon: Dad, there is a small PTA meeting at school tomorrow.
Dad: Wat do you mean by a small PTA meeting?
Tintumon: It's just you, me and the Principal!
==========

Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking.
Tintumon: Declare the variable TITANIC as float!
==========

Eastern Mind
20 August 2011, 08:45 AM
Vannakkam: Last night we had the joy of attending a large (by Canadian standards) Hindu wedding. there were many westerners there who may not have eaten rice and curry. Therefore the hotel caterers had labeled all the dishes. This seems normal enough. But what my wife and I found really funny was the extreme. The first dish in the line of the buffet style meal was white rice. but it had a label as well. "WHITE RICE" neatly written on the side. Now I understand for all the other stuff, but white rice? What else could it have been? White pasta in the shape of rice? Finally carved potato? Carved coconut? Styrofoam filler?

Seemed to me to was excessively redundant, making the situation funny.

What's next? "PLAIN WATER"

Aum Namasivaya

saidevo
20 August 2011, 12:15 PM
vaNakkam EM.

The terms 'white rice' and 'plain water' are widely used in South India, perhaps throughout India. Since cooked rice is taken in different forms such as sAmbAr rice, curd rice, lemon rice, tamarind rice, coconut rice, vegetable briyANi, and so on, the term 'white rice' is used to referred to plain, cooked rice to which the diner may add what he prefers.

Typically, in a wedding reception, sAmbAr rice and curd rice are prepared beforehand and served as such; but rasam rice is not prepared in that way: the diner is served some 'white rice' to which he/she might add rasam served separately in a cup; hence the term 'white rice'.

In the same way, 'plain water' is used for drinking water at room temperature, as against 'cold water' or 'hot water'. Similar to how we say 'soft drinks' and 'hot drinks'.

Eastern Mind
20 August 2011, 01:18 PM
Vannakkam: Yes, but it was still in plain sight, followed by curd rice, etc., and I do remember the South Indian buffets. Still for some reason it struck me as rather obvious, and therefore funny. Maybe my sense of humor developed in a different way that yours. Cold air from Canada probably limits the way humor is processed.

I really get the labeling when there is both veg and nonveg at the table.

Aum Namasivaya

saidevo
28 August 2011, 06:26 AM
Episodes: Wildlife Offence

A forest ranger catches a man sitting by a make-shift campfire in a state park. To the ranger's horror, the man has just cooked an innocent bald eagle and is having it for dinner. Consequently, the man is put in jail for his crime.

On the day of his trail, the conversation in the courtroom went something like this...

The judge asked of the man, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

"Yes I do, your honour. But, if you’ll allow me to argue my case, I can explain what happened."

"Proceed."

"Well, to be honest, I got lost in the woods and I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was desperately hungry. Anyway, I saw a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish and I figured, if I followed the eagle, I might be able to steal the fish. After some time, I happened upon the eagle sitting on a tree stump with the fish. I threw a stone in the eagle’s direction, hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off... The rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head. Anyway, since I accidentally killed the eagle, I figured it was a blessing in disguise. And so, your honour, I ate the bird to save my own life."

"Very well," replied the judge. "The court will take a fifteen minute recess and return with a verdict."

Some fifteen minutes later...

"In the court’s opinion, due to your extreme circumstances and the fact that you had no poor intentions, the court will dismiss all charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers to the man, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honour," the man replied, "It’s hard to explain... but, I suppose it is tastes something like a California Condor or a Spotted Owl."
==========

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
==========

Eastern Mind
10 October 2011, 02:58 PM
Vannakkam: We were dining out with some old friends. He accidentally spilled a glass of water on me, but immediately quipped, "I was just doing Murugan abhishekham." (For those who didn't catch the joke, my real name is Murugan.)

Aum Namasivaya

Ramakrishna
10 October 2011, 11:24 PM
Vannakkam: We were dining out with some old friends. He accidentally spilled a glass of water on me, but immediately quipped, "I was just doing Murugan abhishekham." (For those who didn't catch the joke, my real name is Murugan.)

Aum Namasivaya

:laugh:

satay
20 December 2011, 03:13 PM
From Hindu Press International

Three monks met and decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He stepped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side. When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other clothes to dry." He, too, walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water. Undeterred, he climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched. After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

Moonlight
19 January 2012, 07:19 AM
One day a young boy was reading the Upanishad and was inspired by the storys. He went out to play and saw lots of people gathering around a man in a white robe, he went to investigate and sat down on the grass.

The man said:
 "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also"

The young boy recognised the wise words and he wonderd if the man will tell his favorite story.
 
 "Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit?"

Again the boy recognised the wise words and the young boy put his hands up. The man looked at the boy and said "yes child?" the boy asked "when will you tell the story of Yajnavalkya and the cows?"  



_____________________________
Incase the story got you confused here's a few verse from the Upanishad

The katha Upanishad 2:10
"I know that earthly treasures are transient, And never can I reach the eternal through them. Hence have I renounced all my desires for earthly treasures..."

The katha Upanishad 2:5 
"Ignorant of there ignorance, yet wise in there own esteem, those deluded men proud of there vain learning go round and round like blind led by the blind"
      

Eastern Mind
07 February 2012, 04:34 PM
Vannakkam: Here's the link to my humour column. It's now in two newspapers. Not exactly Hindu, but reflective thinking does enter the picture occasionally. Downright nasty picture they got of me. If you click on my name, it'll give you all the back columns.

http://www.overeasyplease.com/oep/2011/12/13/flimsy-whimsy-good/#comments

Aum Namasivaya

Believer
17 June 2012, 09:28 AM
Namaste,

Happy father's day ya'll.

Those of you who are old enough to relate to Archie Bunker, here is a bit of old time Americana juxtaposed with Mr. Obama, for my 1000th post.

http://videos2view.net/bunker.htm

Pranam.

Believer
24 March 2013, 11:09 AM
Namaste,

With apologies to all my Telugu friends....

On A Flight James Bond Was Sitting Next To A Telugu Guy. (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Telugu Guy: “Hello, May I Know Your Name Please?” (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
James Bond: “My Name Is Bond’ Continuing In His Inimitable Style.. James Bond.” (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
(http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html) Then Bond Asks: “And You? (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)

(http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Telugu Guy: “My Name Is Rao…
“Siva Rao…
“Samba Siva Rao…
“Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao… (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Since Then When Anyone Asks Bond His Name He Simply Says James Bond (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
(http://www.funfunky.com/)

(http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)
(http://www.funfunky.com/)

(http://www.funfunky.com/)
(http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/)

(http://www.funfunky.com/)
(http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/)
(http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/)



Pranam.

Viraja
24 March 2013, 11:30 AM
Namaste,

With apologies to all my Telugu friends....

On A Flight James Bond Was Sitting Next To A Telugu Guy. (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Telugu Guy: “Hello, May I Know Your Name Please?” (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
James Bond: “My Name Is Bond’ Continuing In His Inimitable Style.. James Bond.” (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
(http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html) Then Bond Asks: “And You? (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)

(http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Telugu Guy: “My Name Is Rao…
“Siva Rao…
“Samba Siva Rao…
“Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao… (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Since Then When Anyone Asks Bond His Name He Simply Says James Bond (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
(http://www.funfunky.com/)

(http://www.funfunky.com/global-celebrtities-f12.html)
(http://www.funfunky.com/)

(http://www.funfunky.com/)
(http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/)

(http://www.funfunky.com/)
(http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/)
(http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/) (http://www.funfunky.com/)



Pranam.



LOL!

Believerji, my mom's name is 'Thottam Dhavalasangam Nallaan Chakravarthy Vijayaraghavachari Kamala' -- Howz that? :p

Believer
24 March 2013, 11:49 AM
Namaste Viraja,

Your grand parents must have been very rich to be able to afford such a long name for their child; all I got was three names, first, middle and last name; my parents being just above the poverty line could not afford much more. ;)

And now for the sake of privacy issue, if that is your mother's real name, you should probably replace it with an invented one, as giving out real names on the internet is not advisable. Besides, that name could have clues to your secret questions for Credit Card related matters.

Pranam.

Viraja
24 March 2013, 11:53 AM
And now for the sake of privacy issue, if that is your mother's real name, you should probably replace it with an invented one, as giving out real names on the internet is not advisable. Besides, that name could have clues to your secret questions for Credit Card related matters.

Pranam.

Oh, yeah, thank you Believerji. I changed the real name in the end to a fake one. Thanks again!

Believer
18 May 2013, 01:27 AM
Namaste,

Seeing this picture on the cover of an old issue of Newsweek magazine cracked me up.

http://imageshack.us/a/img23/6104/obamawt.th.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/23/obamawt.jpg/)

Pranam.

charitra
18 May 2013, 09:42 AM
[quote=Believer;101385]Namaste,

With apologies to all my Telugu friends....

On A Flight James Bond Was Sitting Next To A Telugu Guy. (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Telugu Guy: “Hello, May I Know Your Name Please?” (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
James Bond: “My Name Is Bond’ Continuing In His Inimitable Style.. James Bond.” (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Then Bond Asks: “And You? (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)

(http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Telugu Guy: “My Name Is Rao… (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
“Siva Rao…
“Samba Siva Rao…
“Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
“Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao… (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)
Since Then When Anyone Asks Bond His Name He Simply Says James Bond (http://www.funfunky.com/funky-jokes-zone-f67.html)

Pranam./quote]


No offence taken. :) Family name or last names are an interesting topic to me. I would like to talk about it here; in telugu we have a very clear cut Family name or inti peru. I was gathering info on other linguistic populations living in the subcontinent, Iam yet to see such a classic example of family names methodology in other cultures , I mean in non telugu regions. Iam not going to take a swipe at others, eventhough it may appear so; that being the case, please do not take offence .


Thota Ramesh may name his son as Thota Venkateswar, and both the above names can also have a suffix of Naidu (Eg., Thota venkateswara Naidu), the latter suffix indicates their community (Jati or kula). Alternaively, one can name the son as Thota Venkateswara Rao, the latter suffix, Rao, is a classic generic suffix for telugus and it is (Rao) completely devoid of any comunity affiliations. Thota Ramesh’s second son’s name will be something like Thota Raja Ram ( Thota raja ram naidu or T R Rao are the possible other alternatives). Thota Rajaram’s son will be named as Thota Krishna Murthi. Thota Ramesh’s brother may be called as Thota Srinivas or Thota Srinivas Naidu. T Srinivas may call his daughter as Thota Saraswati ( Or TS Naidu). Noadays the caste suffix has almost completely disappeared, and that’s very good if I may say so. So thus presently most Telugus have a generations old distinct LAST name that becomes the first component of their full names, and the given names follows it ( I think Chinese follow a similar pattern). Community indicators as the suffixes are avoided mostly. In west the last and first names are written in reverse order. Lets consider now another family, say with a last name as Tirumala setti who belong to same community, may have above given names as well. Thirumala setti Ramesh, Thirumala setti Venkateswara Naidu or Thirumala setti Venkatesswar Rao etc etc. Last names may transcend community divide. You can also have thota ramayya sastri or Tirumala setti Krishna sharma, Thota krishnayya yadav, Tirumalasetti ramayya goud etc etc .Last names DO NOT identify a caste. A vaishya can also have a name like Thirumala setti Rosaiah or Tirumalasetti Rosaiah Gupta .




But then some people in north call themselves as Ranjan Gupta or Shekhar Gupta. Gupta or Sharma , which are community markers will become their last names in the North. Agarwal is another example. Patel? I think it is a very diverse Gujarati last name, Gujjus can help us out here. Thus the sharp diference in naming is clearly seen between the telugus and say, hindi speaking populations. Both Laalu Prasad Yadav and shivlalal yadav write their community names as their last names, their ancestry is hard to track.


If you take the example of Tamils naming their kids, it is a different story altogether. Ramesh's son’s name will be Venkateswar(an) Ramesh. And Venkateswaran Ramesh names his son as Jaya Raman Venkateswaran. Family name or Last name is not a part of the full name for Tamils. They may have Ayyar or Ayyangar, Nadar etc community related suffixes in their Fullnnames, but these suffixes in a classic sense are not a depicting any family name. Father's name IS the last name!!Family names have disappeared for Tamils. Am I right?


Sikhs in Delhi are getting into a new way of naming their children. There are any number of Jasvinder Singhs all over the place, so which one is that you are talking about now? Well some Delhi walas are getting creative and resorting to add the place they are living in as their last names. Jasvinder Singh Gorgaon, Jasvinder Singh Greater Kailash and so forth. This is reinventing the wheel, I must say. A lot of Telugu names have a last name that resonate with their ancestral village. For example Kondapalli is a small town and similarly Kadapa is a large town, many people have these towns as their surnames. Kondapalli suresh and Kondapalli Rosaiah can be tracked to their origins very easily to their native (one) town, but then both these individuals would belong to different communities.


So believer, your list of telugu names does not survive the test of scrutiny. ALL telugu names MUST begin with the ’ inti peru’ or family name (last name). Iam intrigued if that kind of distinguishing naming practice is available for other cultures. How do you hindi speakers incorporate your last names. Namaste.
PS: This may not be right thread for this post.

Believer
18 May 2013, 10:22 AM
Namaste,

If you take the example of Tamils naming their kids, it is a different story altogether. Ramesh son’s name will be Venkateswar(an) Ramesh. And Venkateswaran Ramesh names his son as Jaya Raman Venkateswaran. ......Am I right?

I had the impression that Ramesh's son Venkateswaran will go by the name Ramesh Venkateswaran or simply R. Venkateswaran???
In US I have seen some Tamils change their names to the Western tradition. So, R. Rajgopalan becomes Raj R. Gopalan or Raj R. Gopal. Conformity in name style makes life easier.



Sikhs in Delhi are getting into a new way of naming their children. There are any number of Jasvinder Singhs all over the place, so which one is that you are talking about now? Well some Delhi walas are getting creative and resorting to add the place they are living in as their names. Jasvinder Singh Gorgaon, Jasvinder Singh Greater Kailash and so forth.

Sikhs are known to do the most untraditional things. Many years ago when the Skylab was spinning out of control and heading towards the earth, a kid born to a sikh in Punjab was given the name Skylab Singh. Poor kid! :)

Pranam.

ShivaFan
18 May 2013, 03:13 PM
Namaste.

Why wasn't Mohammed reborn in Pakistan?
He was, but he didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Arabia?
He couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.

Why was the gujju born in Rome?
Because he told Yamaraj in gujju accent English, "All I wanted to listen to in this life was pope music".

And why was the gujju who was born in Rome born as a prostitute?
Because he confessed to Yamaraj in gujju accented English, "In my life I went from bed to verse, and verse to bed".

And what did Yamaraj tell the gujju who complained later that it was bad English that made his birth lousy?
"Well, better bad English because I don't understand a lick of gujju"

And what did Lord Brahma do when the gujju kept complaining about his bad birth to the Devatas?
He killed him in Roman traffic and had him reborn in Kolkata with the name "Mr. Chatterjee"

And what did the Kolkata police officer say to the gujju reborn as a Bengali as the gujju was about to jump off the roof of a tall apartment building?
"Don't jump, think of your father and mother!"
And when the gujju born as a Bengali told the officer, "I have no parents, they died of fever after drinking the local water"?
"Don't jump, think of Kali Maa!"
And when the gujju born as a Bengali told the officer, "Who's that?"
The officer shouted, "Jump Muslim!"

Om Namah Sivaya

Necromancer
18 May 2013, 10:33 PM
Namaste.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a talking Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.

Aum Namah Shivaya