Veda's and Parents

[Gopal Dasa]

I am 18 years old and am having much trouble with my dad right now. It pains me to see that our relationship is falling apart. He is very manipulative, very argumentative, and can be very harsh and mean. He called me names (He calls me ignorant, stupid, idiot, and the "F" word) and then has some excuse to try and make it seem as if its not his fault. He also blames everything on me. He one time punched a steel door and broke his hand and showed it to me saying "You did this to me". I felt HORRIBLE, until I figured out that it wasnt my fault but that he should have had enough self-control to not engage in such a violent act. He never seems to take responsibility for his actions. He also used to be physically abusive, but that was many years ago.

I dont know what to do. My Mom and Dad are divorced and I am living with my Mom. I left my Dads house today after getting all that my stuff from his house. I am planning to be away for a long time.

So what my question is, is how do I deal with this according to the Hindu scripture? I really dont know what to do. I still love my Dad very very much, but to associate with him is to painful. He trys to make me angery and ridicules me and other things, I dont know what to do. One good thing that I have gotten out of this is that I have become closer to Sri Krsna because I have been relying on Him alot lately.

Thanks for any replies!

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam Gopal:

The conundrum is that the scriptures tell us to respect our parents, but they also make the assumption that parents are wise, which is not always the case.

Your situation is not at all untypical, even though you haven't really gotten into the specifics of what it is about you that irritates your father so.

Personally, I learned over time to avoid the topics and actions that irritated my Dad, although there were some trials. One simple example was the burning of incense irritated him, so I just stopped burning it. It was his house, and his rules. Eighteen is still young, and one day you will be out and more independent. The good thing is that it could be a lot worse, such as bringing physical violence back into the equation.

From his side, parents do feel a great sense of loss when their children are growing more independent, about to leave the nest, and learning to think for themselves. Wise parents are able to sit back and watch patiently with a sense of wonder about how all this came to be, and are able to maintain a sense of affectionate detachment, even when the child is acting far differently than original expectations may have called for.

Since you are now claiming your spiritual identity, it is time to practice compassion for him as well as you can, and use wisdom to 'exchange places' and perhaps be the mature one in the relationship.

Again, without specifics, it is hard to make more than generalised advice. Best wishes with it regardless.

Aum Namasivaya

[NayaSurya]

That is wonderful advice above and so I can add very little.

But, since I have some experience with such toxic beings I will tell you this.

1. It is not your fault. Forgive yourself and move on.

2. It is not their fault. Forgive them and move on.

Stay out of his field of harm, whatever distance that is. He can't help his place in this world and so it's best to allow him to burn off whatever karma he is going through and not harm him. To harm him may mean you will get stuck in a cycle with this individual and not be able to break free from the lesson.

Leave him in peace, try your best not to harm him with your own actions. It's the best you can do for a self destructing individual.

[Sahasranama]

It's better if you can avoid him. If you have become closer to Krishna, you can let Krishna take the role of your father.

[Gopal Dasa]

Thank you both very much for the advice. I will use both of your advice to the best of my ability.

Eastern Mind: There are some things about me that irritate my Dad. He very much dislikes religion and makes fun of me for it. I am very spiritual and have over 50 spiritual books and my bedroom is completely "Spiritualized". So he will walk into my room and say "So when are you going to get a girl friend?" when he knows my interests have nothing to do with that. When I am on the internet he will say "Looken at motorcycles" when he knows im looking at info about Krsna. To be honest, just about everything about me irritates him. I am trying to be as mature as possible, but when I am conversing with someone as immature as my dad, its hard to not get pulled down. One example of this is that yesterday, when we were argueing, I asked him why he called me a "F"-er. His reply was that everyone does it and that I did it to him when he was physically abusing me. Please see the difference, Eastern Mind, between me and him in this situation. First of all I was 13 and said "I hate you" while he was shoving me up agaisnt some stairs and he is around 40 and calling me ignorant, stupid, an idiot, and an "F"-er just becuase I dont agree with him on a life style choice.

[Gopal Dasa]

Technically, your dad is an asshole. It's better if you can avoid him. If you have become closer to Krishna, you can let Krishna take the role of your father.

I understand what you are saying but I feel so bad about leaving my Dad. He fed me when I had no food, he gave me a home when I had none, and so on. I mean, he took care of me and gave me what I needed, but added with ridiculing, abuse, and other not so good things. So he deserves my respect for that (giving me what I need), but outside of that, I really dont care for him.

My mom says that I am being too compassionate and she says that can be a weakness. But I cant help to feel my heart melt when I think about all of this.

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam Gopal: Yes, I do see the difference. Often in confrontation, and outsider can easily see which party is more guilty of continuing the negativity. This case seems quite clear cut to me. I think that Naya gave wonderful advice. Personally, I have been blessed my whole life not be in such negative circumstances, whereas Naya is speaking from more direst experential knowledge. But Krishna is in your Dad too. Only its harder to see, and best to keep your distance. The 'avoidance of bad company' lines from the Tirukkurral come to mind. But you can pray for him, bless him inwardly. For in many ways such beings are blessings because they show us what not to do. Without that contrast, perhaps we wouldn't evolve. Once again, best wishes with it. You are an adult now.

Aum Namasivaya

[Gopal Dasa]

Vannakkam Gopal: Yes, I do see the difference. Often in confrontation, and outsider can easily see which party is more guilty of continuing the negativity. This case seems quite clear cut to me. I think that Naya gave wonderful advice. Personally, I have been blessed my whole life not be in such negative circumstances, whereas Naya is speaking from more direst experential knowledge. But Krishna is in your Dad too. Only its harder to see, and best to keep your distance. The 'avoidance of bad company' lines from the Tirukkurral come to mind. But you can pray for him, bless him inwardly. For in many ways such beings are blessings because they show us what not to do. Without that contrast, perhaps we wouldn't evolve. Once again, best wishes with it. You are an adult now.

Aum Namasivaya

Thank you very much Eastern Mind. I will start praying for my Dad so that whatever he is going threw on the inside can heal. My mom said that he has a very nasty past, very dark. I think he holds on to that and that makes his relationships fail. His Dad used to abuse him too and he always talks about how much he dislikes him, but the sad thing is, he has become like his Dad (abusive verbally, emotionally, and used to be physically). I feel very sorry for him, it hurts me. But I think that he possibly has some Karma to work out and that me leaving could be apart of that. Thanks again Eastern Mind!

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam Gopal:

So then it is up to you, and perhaps one of your personal dharmas, to break this vicious cycle of violence begetting violence from generation to generation within a family. That's great!

I have observed over the years that there are two distinct patterns with children of alcoholics: One is to follow in the footsteps, and the other is to become a teatotaller almost in the opposite unhealthy extreme fundamentalist sense.

Aum Namasivaya

[Gopal Dasa]

Vannakkam Gopal:

So then it is up to you, and perhaps one of your personal dharmas, to break this vicious cycle of violence begetting violence from generation to generation within a family. That's great!

I have observed over the years that there are two distinct patterns with children of alcoholics: One is to follow in the footsteps, and the other is to become a teatotaller almost in the opposite unhealthy extreme fundamentalist sense.

Aum Namasivaya

Well, I dont want to walk in his footsteps or be on an extreme in some unhealthy fashion. I just want to have a family of my own and have my children be good Vaisnavas. But, I dont even know if that is too much to ask.