Changes

[NayaSurya]

I've never been so good about change, even though it seems part of this lifetime is learning to evolve a whole lot.

We have talked much about a balance between this spiritual journey and our familial, social and economical responsibilities. This has been a serious issue for me as I am very fearful of the forward momentum I have been experiencing.

Things during my daily devotions over these past months are the cause. Just the other day during hours of deep meditation I began to no longer feel, I couldn't even tell if my fingers were in the same position. I have a crushed lower disc in the base of my spine which has pinched my sciatic nerve, the pain was most unbearable for the past years because I refused drugs for relief. Often being in such positions upon the bare floor will trigger it again but during this session I was completely without sensation in any portion of my body for several hours. I could not even feel if I was breathing, nor did I care.

The feeling of such joy overcame me and then a vision of three golden beings appeared before me and one said "Nice of you to join us."

Then I simply disolved into the vast ocean of gold around me. It was the most joyous thing I have ever experienced.

Coming out of this condition was like jumping into ice water. Everything began to hurt, I realized my leg, was infact pinching that nerve and I was startled by the fact I could not feel it until I left this state.

Despite the pain, it was apparent to me that, from the other side, this state we are in, is truly sleeping. On this side, meditation seemed the same way. It's like a mirror. Being in meditation in that way was the most alert I have ever been...but coming back from it was like waking up during a nightmare. Though I once thought here I was alert it was nothing compared to the awareness I experienced.

This made me understand things which I must permenantly change. But, I can not. How would my children be treated if their parent was such a being? How could I be a good parent?

If I lived in Beloved India, I do not think this would even be an issue. But, here it is a huge one.

This place requires you to be here in this state of being. A state which makes me very miserable. Sitting in meditation at the amusement park all Spring and Summer praying while my children enjoyed themselves made me so happy. Singing mantra is my happiest moments.

I don't care about food, it all disgusts me. I don't care about the pile of candy at my side right at this moment. Candy is no longer sweet. Nothing is sweeter than these precious moments in devotion. I am a chubby mommy type (As you can see from my profile picture) so for food to be this way is comedic.

Drinks, I have even given up my diet sodas. This last thing is gone.

I was in a place called Crackerbarrel for the american holiday called thanksgiving and this once was a place i loved to shop. It's full of the most beautiful things. Jewelled eggs, trinket boxes and sweets line every wall, ceiling to floor.

But, this time I was just unable to think of anything but Beloved. I walked out without spending money, without wanting anything but a place to do japa.

Then there's intimate time with my Beloved husband, I have an extremely hyper drive for such things, but even this is gone. Although I would never deny him this as I feel it is my ultimate duty to make him happy in every way, I do feel alarmed that such a thing could go away after a lifetime of it being a severe problem for me.

I don't feel this has negatively affected my children as my duty to them is always unwaivering. Today I spent most of my time with them coloring pages. But, with them it is easy to play the mantra and sing while I spend time with them. The problem is this outside society and how they will be treated.

I do not care about myself, but knowing my children already face such struggles from their peers, friends, parents of their friends and teachers makes me concerned for them.

Yesterday I finally had to speak with my twin's school because they were made to do a nativity scene depicting jesus and my son and daughter colored joseph blue and when i asked them why the images were all blue they said that the teacher said to color this picture of god and so they colored Shiva (then they pointed to joseph). I was very alarmed for the mixed signal this sent. Why, in this public school, was my child being taught about jesus? I finally had to explain to them that our family is Hindu and that this was on their permenant record which apparently no one had cared to read. I had not pressed the issue until this moment but I had to make sure that they would never have such a thing happen again.

For the first time in our lives, we are fully out of this closet. Gone are the days we blend in because of our moral family values. Everyone just simply assumed we were 7th day adventist because of our large family with modest dress and long hair.

I truly believe there was a reason Beloved sent me here to this location and this body. So I do accept I may never see India or meet some as precious as you higher beings here on the forum.

I am at the point where i believe death is the only way I will be liberated from this state. I still have about 13 years before I could even begin to pray for such a release due to my obligations here.

We have a good life, as good as anyone could ask for in this realm. I love my family and am loved. But, I can not seem to withdraw from this forward motion and I am worried for my family.

For those who have struggled to maintain "proper" societal behavior after going so far, how have you managed this?

How did you handle withdrawl without alienating those who need you?

Are there any householder types here that had timing issues such as this?

Would I be shown things I could not or should not act upon?

I really don't want to be the weird lady in our town and embarass my children. I really wish I lived nearer to you all. I truly do. I would gladly roll around the temple on my birthday...or go on the kora.

[Maya3]

Thank you so much for sharing such an amazing and personal meditation experience, and for sharing your thoughts on your personal life.

I know a little how you feel, my husband and I don't have children so we have different family obligations, but the pull to meditate more is always there for me.

If I can begin with saying a little about my personal day to day.
I work as a childcare professional, 3.5 days a week, two days I write Historical Fiction. We have a dog, an aquarium, friends, bills, a sick family member, parents over seas. I go to the gym, I bike ride, I do hatha yoga now and then. I love to eat. It's a lot, I enjoy it all.
I usually have time to meditate for half an hour to an hour per day.
I go to a puja at my temple maybe once per month, the ashram for three days about 3-4 times a year.

I am SO lucky to have time for all this. I love it.

But like I said the pull to meditate just a little bit more is always there. I have have incredible meditations too, and I wish that I could just meditate all the time sometimes. It is a little like a high ( I assume, though I've never had one) and I want to go back.

But I've come to realize that I'm in this body now with this blessed life with my wonderful husband and family and I'm not supposed to meditate all the time.
I should enjoy life and be very grateful for what I have. It is such a blessing.
The beginning of my life wasn't that great, not too horrible, but all of it was not great. I don't remember where I was before, but I know that where I am now is amazing.
Really I can do it all, I might reach Moksha later then if I moved to the Ashram (though, it would be work there too and not like it is when I'm a guest and can meditate three times a day). Or was a recluse with enough money so that I didn't have to work to pay the bills.
But it's worth the wait.

Try to enjoy life without feeling guilty/or missing it if you don't have time to meditate. OM is with you all the time, even if you don't have time to listen and melt into it.

I don't think you have to wait to die before you get there, don't wish for that, you will reach moksha slowly but securely.

I think it was kind of sweet that your kids painted Joseph blue. That is their interpretation of the religious Christmas story, I think it shows that they are really Hindu actually, even when they are told Christian things.
I agree that it is weird that a public school had a nativity set.

Maya

[NayaSurya]

Wow your life sounds like mine about eight years ago. I am the mother of eight children, the oldest is 19 the youngest are six year old twins. I have always prayed and meditated this much, even in childhood. I would spend hours at the base of a tree singing to God, though this was long before I knew His Beloved Name. As an adult I continued this practice. For years I worked as a private nurse taking care of terminal patients. They loved the affection and prayers, even though they had no idea I wasn't christian. Now I no longer work, my husband has a professional job and I stay home with the six youngest. My oldest still live in our home at least for now, my son who also has a dorm room at university will probably get his own apartment in late Summer next year...so I may lose one or two this next year, I hope not...just yet.:p

I am up before 6 am every morning to take care of this large family and do the household things. Then it is eight hours of blessed silence, which is perfect for my writing and sadhana. I no longer own a cell phone, and I deleted my primary facebook with my social contacts.

So I can pray and meditate for hours without harming anyone. Hopefully it will stay this way, as it has always been throughout my life. My family camp under the stars and I set the tent up while continuing the mantras, we go swimming all the while I sing to Beloved....we spent the past years at a wonderful amusement park with season passes all the while I continued japa and meditation. We have a blessed life and will continue this next year going back as much as we can.

I know this will sound foolish, and since I take on the name Jada it should be no surprise but I am not out for moksha in such a way. I am just continuing something I have been inclined towards since my birth. It's not guilt but a true desire and Beloved has blessed me with a load of time to do so.

It's probably silly to worry over how others will treat my children based upon their religion and their parent being so spacey and kind to everyone. But, I try my best to make everything as goodly as I can and I can't help it.

You are so sweet, if only more dharmic people such as yourself lived near I would not feel like we are so odd.<3

[Maya3]

Naya,

8 children, that is amazing. You must have a lot of fun! It's almost like your own Ashram in a way.
Are your children meditating too, are the older ones following the Dharma when they have more of their own life with studies etc?

I used to think I was pretty odd too, but there are more of us around I've noticed lately. It's really nice.

Interesting that your patients and others thought you were Christian, but I think most people assume that about me too unless they know what my OM pendant means.
Then we confuse people by celebrating secular Christmas and sending secular Christmas cards, and unless they know already they don't notice that these cards or celebrations never involve anything religious. So I'm probably partly responsible for this, but I love Christmassy things and will never stop.

I don't like to to announce it, I think it's too much like proselytizing, so unless it's comes up naturally in a conversation then I usually don't say anything.
Most people dont announce their religion, or ask which religion I belong to.
Actually I don't think anyone has ever done that come to think of it?

Maya

[NayaSurya]

Naya,

8 children, that is amazing. You must have a lot of fun! It's almost like your own Ashram in a way.
Are your children meditating too, are the older ones following the Dharma when they have more of their own life with studies etc?

I used to think I was pretty odd too, but there are more of us around I've noticed lately. It's really nice.

Interesting that your patients and others thought you were Christian, but I think most people assume that about me too unless they know what my OM pendant means.
Then we confuse people by celebrating secular Christmas and sending secular Christmas cards, and unless they know already they don't notice that these cards or celebrations never involve anything religious. So I'm probably partly responsible for this, but I love Christmassy things and will never stop.

I don't like to to announce it, I think it's too much like proselytizing, so unless it's comes up naturally in a conversation then I usually don't say anything.
Most people dont announce their religion, or ask which religion I belong to.
Actually I don't think anyone has ever done that come to think of it?

Maya

Okay we may be cosmically related in some way. My house currently looks like a gingerbread house. Seriously...my son is crazy about candy canes and ginger bread so we had an idea to decorate it like that.

Cute story- Friday they come home from school I pull out the hot chocolate and cookies. Oh it's a very good day to be in my home. Everyone comes in and my littlest one, our lil daughter goes and gets a blanket, puts all her dolls in a circle and offers her cookies to Shiva on the wall and begins to chant Hey Shyam, Radhe Radhe Shyam.

It's was SO wonderful!

My oldest two are very interested in Sanatana Dharma and can finally grasp it, the younger ones learn a lot from my story telling. During the morning, once everyone has had a waffle we sit down and talk about things on our mind. I loved to tell the stories of Beloved Krishna to them, it's so goodly.

Recently I began to tell them the story of Chandi and they very much liked this.

I don't like to announce it either, as it mostly harms others by disturbing them. It only makes them very upset because they think our eight children will...burn in hell. :rolleyes:

But, after the issue with the nativity scene...this totally went out the window.

Not too long ago, my daughter came home and told me that she was told "Jesus is god". My daughter tells them no and said Shiva was. This made several teachers come over and they said "who is god?" Well she answered the same way once again and the one goes..."See?" in a low whisper. I asked her science teacher about this incident and she admitted she asked her...and then googled Shiva...she said..."ah they are Hindu!"

This was when she said something wonderful. She told me that she was christian and attended church, but that she didn't believe everything that the preacher said, and that often times christians could be very intolerant to other beliefs and she did not like this because she felt like every religion with people who were good and kind to each other would go to heaven and that there were many names for God.

It made my day.

She is def on my card list this year!

I got snowman ones that say "Happy holly days":cool1:

[yajvan]

　
hariḥ oṁ
~~~~~~

namast&#233; nayasurya.

The things you talk of I hope others experience. This is growth as you know. You are being absorbed more and more, which is fine.
The wise say, withdraw, then withdraw from the withdrawal.
That is, you do your sādhana , then return to what you do during the day. This activity of the home and community stabilizes the silence
in you that you experience. It is rest and activity that does this. It brings the silence of meditation into your activity so it will be with you
more and more. Then over time , the line between meditation and daily activity is less distinct ( as you now are experiencing).

So, you need to know your experiences are good, okay, and are also talked about in the śāstra-s, so all is well, showing progress
to this Being opening up in you.

Regarding mokṣa you mention. This comes by His grace ( anugraha). Look at your progress... it is like getting in a hot bath, we do it a
foot at a time, just taking our time getting in. The transition is smooth, easy, no shock, this is His grace on how He wishes to introduce
the Infinite to you. IMHO it is good to be easy about it and let it unfold.

The ṛg ved ( 1.10.2) helps us with this understanding:
When the worshipper climbs from peak to peak s/he realizes the progress that is yet to be achieved;
Then indra (Divine Mind) awakens in in him/her the purpose of the journey and manifest with his troop to
aid the devotee in the journey.

Your experiences tell me you are in good hands.



praṇām

[Maya3]

:)
I wonder, we might have some kind of connection.
I would love to see your gingerbread house. It sounds great.
Snowman cards are nice and wintry,
mine has Christmas trees and Santa Clause on them, four different kinds and all real old fashioned looking.

I can picture your daughter offering cookies to Shiva, that is so sweet and with her dolls watching :)

A very close friend of mine is a Catholic and she loves Hinduism, she has been to the Ashram with me several times.
It's great that there are Christians who are a lot more open minded.
The Unitarians are great too.

Now, I'm jawning, I have to go to sleep.

Maya

[NayaSurya]

The ṛg ved ( 1.102) helps us with this understanding:
When the worshipper climbs from peak to peak s/he realizes the progress that is yet to be achieved;
Then indra (Divine Mind) awakens in in him/her the purpose of the journey and manifest with his troop to
aid the devotee in the journey.

Your experiences tell me you are in good hands.



praṇām

As always you bring light as Beloved Surya bring light to my dark days I am grateful for this, so very much.

The other day I was upon a tiny peak and saw the mountains beyond which I must still travel. I suppose you could say that I am afraid of heights.

This forum is one of the greatest blessings of my life, the light which you have, extends throughout the universe upon Beloved Shakti's current to this amazing device. She led me to your Beloved Feet almost two years ago and I thank Beloved each and every day that I have the priviledge of this forum's Beloved Darshan.

Eternally at your feet<3

[yajvan]

hariḥ oṁ
~~~~~~

namasté nayasurya

I am glad that HDF adds value... this was and is its intent as I see it. Perhaps this is just my oridentation of how I have been taught.

Anything I bring to HDF is from the tradition, from others wiser then me...

praṇām

[Arjuni]

Namasté, NayaSurya,

I too wish that more of us lived near you so that you would have more folks to share experiences and conversations with.

The desire to be alone, pray, sing, and dedicate your time to Beloved, to experience that beautiful bliss and joy, is very, very understandable. As much as you want to honour Him in all beings and situations, there is nothing that seems comparable to the joy of meditation and prayer.

I wanted to tell you that you're not alone in your questions and worries, not at all. I have no children but am experiencing increasing difficulties with social interaction, job, and husband time because of a desire to spend as much time as possible in meditation and prayer. I find myself growing impatient and getting annoyed with people for "interrupting" me - awful, isn't it? - and having moods of depression that lift only when doing japa or puja.

Finding a balance seems so very hard when you have a family to serve and the duties of a house-holder to fulfill. I wish I had wisdom to share, but I thought you might like to know that you're helping me. I take such inspiration from your posts describing your desire to serve Beloved in every moment and in your family and environment. So even while you're asking for help, your kindness and candour have been helping me.

Also, Yajvan, thank you for your post, including the bit of ṛg ved you offered; that particular quote moved me almost to tears.

Indraneela
===
"I wait the power of one like thee, O Indra, gifts of a Helper such as thou art, Hero.
Strong, Mighty God, dwell with me now and ever."
Om Indrāya Namaḥ.
Om Namaḥ Śivāya.

[yajvan]

hariḥ oṁ
~~~~~~

namast&#233; Indraneela,




Also, Yajvan, thank you for your post, including the bit of ṛg ved you offered;

It seems perhaps the wise know us better then we know ourselves. This is the blessing of the śāstra-s. They only wish for us to get aquainted with Reality&#185; again.


praṇām


1. reality here is vastu-vṛtta-aṇusāreṇa = the most powerful,precious yet subtle real existence.

[NayaSurya]

Namast&#233;, NayaSurya,

I too wish that more of us lived near you so that you would have more folks to share experiences and conversations with.

The desire to be alone, pray, sing, and dedicate your time to Beloved, to experience that beautiful bliss and joy, is very, very understandable. As much as you want to honour Him in all beings and situations, there is nothing that seems comparable to the joy of meditation and prayer.

I wanted to tell you that you're not alone in your questions and worries, not at all. I have no children but am experiencing increasing difficulties with social interaction, job, and husband time because of a desire to spend as much time as possible in meditation and prayer. I find myself growing impatient and getting annoyed with people for "interrupting" me - awful, isn't it? - and having moods of depression that lift only when doing japa or puja.

Finding a balance seems so very hard when you have a family to serve and the duties of a house-holder to fulfill. I wish I had wisdom to share, but I thought you might like to know that you're helping me. I take such inspiration from your posts describing your desire to serve Beloved in every moment and in your family and environment. So even while you're asking for help, your kindness and candour have been helping me.

Also, Yajvan, thank you for your post, including the bit of ṛg ved you offered; that particular quote moved me almost to tears.

Hugs and hugs and hugs<3



It made me cry, it was so so goodly to know that what I posted made sense, as it is hard to describe this situation and I am a writer.

To witness this higher reality I experienced made this world shake for me, it is not the same, and can never be.

Yet, there is such a wondrous peace and comfort in knowing that everything is right here, I do not have to seek it out as I thought I should be doing.

It's existing right on top of us all this time and I was simply unable to know it.

Vastu-vṛtta-aṇusāreṇa, I have seen you speak of this previously.

Vastu, is as becoming illuminated? Would this be as an action as in the act of revealing?

[yajvan]

hariḥ oṁ
~~~~~~

namast&#233; NayaSurya,



Vastu-vṛtta-aṇusāreṇa, I have seen you speak of this previously.

Vastu, is as becoming illuminated? Would this be as an action as in the act of revealing?
When we think of illumined the word that comes to mind is prakāśa - clearness , brightness , splendour , luster , light. Yet the kaṭha upaniṣad&#185; ( some like to spell kaṭhopaniṣad) says, Every thing shines because of Its shining. This upaniṣad is talking of brahman. He ( brahman) is the source of light for all.

Now let's see where 'light' comes in when we consider vastu-vṛtta-aṇusāreṇa:

vastu = the real ; yet it also means becoming light , dawning , morning
vṛtta = existing ( amongst other things )
aṇusāreṇa = aṇu + sāreṇa
aṇu = fine , minute , atomic, ~subtle~
sāreṇa = sāra +iṇa
sāra = essential part of anything
iṇa = ina = powerful
vastu-vṛtta-aṇusāreṇa = the most powerful, precious, yet subtle, real (light of) existence.
By saying existence or essence, the real (vastu & vṛtta) light is there automatically due to the fact brahman brings light to all.

One can surmise Being and becoming, light enters into the picture. And the kaṭhopaniṣad assists us with this view that ~light~ and existence/Being ( brahman) are one and the same. Light used in the śāstra-s is the symbol for purity, pure consciousness, pure awareness.

This too is one's personal experience ( as you mention nayasurya) of being filled with light - I listen to many who have this experience ( a good and nourishing thing).

This is how we overcome ignorance, darkness, negativity in the world... we need no war on it, we just bring the light, open the curtains of Being, more and more light floods into ourselves, then this spills into our family, community and the like.

praṇām

words

kaṭha upaniṣad - 2.2.15
aṇu - is also ' an atom of time ' ; the 1/54,675,000th part of a muhūrta (of 48 minutes)

[Shanti]

Thank you for sharing your experience Naya. I think you are doing an amazing job balancing spirituality with the duties of householder and I look to you as a guide even! I often get so caught up in my daily tasks and I only have two kids!

I know from your previous posts, you've had plenty of hardship in your life and your kindness and love still shine through even over the often cold anonymity of the internet.

It's been quite some time since I meditated, but I do remember when I did it was like going into this 'other' place, a place so peaceful I longed to stay there.

I love the story about your daughter, how cute! Sometimes my boys pretend that they are Lord Rama and Hanuman ji. I often have to coax them to eat their food and tell them they need to eat to be big and strong, and they immediately inquire "As big and strong as Hanuman?".:D

Yajvan, that Rg Veda verse hit the nail on the head (or however that saying goes), absolutely beautiful.

~S