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bp789
09 June 2011, 08:05 PM
Out of curiosity, how would you, if you were or are a parent, approach these situations?

How would you react if your kids wanted to experiment with drugs or alcohol? What if they were an adult?

For vegetarians, what would you do if your kids ate meat or wanted to eat meat (both as kids and as adults)?

What about pre-marital sex?

What if they decided they did not believe in Hinduism and convert to another religion? What would you do if they became agnostic or atheist? What about Christian or Muslim (mainly because these are proselytizing religions and have followers that believe that non-believers go to hell)? What about another Dharmic or Eastern path like Buddhism, Sikhism, or Jainism?

What if they wanted to marry someone that was not Hindu like a Christian or Muslim? Buddhist, Jain, or Sikh?

What if they decided to marry a Hindu, but the Hindu is non-vegetarian?

By the way, I am not a parent. I am way too young for that, but I am curious how Hindus should approach these situations. I know some families would disown the child, but others would accept this.

NayaSurya
09 June 2011, 08:43 PM
Out of curiosity, how would you, if you were or are a parent, approach these situations?

How would you react if your kids wanted to experiment with drugs or alcohol? What if they were an adult?

For vegetarians, what would you do if your kids ate meat or wanted to eat meat (both as kids and as adults)?

What if they decided they did not believe in Hinduism and convert to another religion? What would you do if they became agnostic or atheist? What about Christian or Muslim (mainly because these are proselytizing religions and have followers that believe that non-believers go to hell)? What about another Dharmic or Eastern path like Buddhism, Sikhism, or Jainism?

What if they wanted to marry someone that was not Hindu like a Christian or Muslim? Buddhist, Jain, or Sikh?

What if they decided to marry a Hindu, but the Hindu is non-vegetarian?

By the way, I am not a parent. I am way too young for that, but I am curious how Hindus should approach these situations. I know some families would disown the child, but others would accept this.

Here in my homeland, things run a bit differently in our society. Children are the ones who decide who they marry and whom they will date. As a parent, I do step in when I see something amiss...and this has happened a handfull of times.

But, I have come to understand that though we may bring our children into awareness...each of them must maintain this by choice or they will simply slip back into the culture which surrounds us.

It's very different than the Beloved Native Hindu whom live in a place where Dharma is the norm and not the exception.

I have actually caused my children more struggle by bringing them along this path with me. Most native Hindu would never accept my children as spouses for their children...not that there are even enough to make that choice possible...and they will not have luck finding ones whom accept our beliefs from the sleeping around us.

But, this forum and the Beloved Portions here, helped me understand that this is all going to be oki...no matter how long it takes, we all make it in the end.

I tell them many times. I bring you into this state of awareness about the Truth....but it is up to you to maintain it by living by those laws.

Now...as for drugs and alcohol. My children know that these are illegal and/or wrong. They know the reason these chemicals make you high is because of harm it is doing to your vessel. It is your bodies desperate attempt to remove the substance that causes many of the side effects. Such as with alcohol...the body becomes so upset by the ingestion that it literally pushes everything in the liver to the back to process the toxin immeditately. This is what causes the liver to become diseased.

So my children will not break laws and do these things. If they become an adult and make these mistakes...there is little I can do. So as children they are taught the rational reasons why they should not...and given exactly those truths to make a good decision their whole life long.

Watching shows like Intervention have given my children a very good understanding of addiction and drug/alcohol use...so hopefully they will be strong and make good decisions.

In the end, I will leave this realm without concern... knowing that each of them is a Beloved Portion of Shiva and no matter what may befall us...in the end....we will go home. In my heart this Truth brings great joy.

AmIHindu
10 June 2011, 04:18 PM
Namaste,

I am not a parent so I am not sure if this seems practical reply for parents, but answer is rituals. I like to follow rituals with all its proper knowledge.

Our scripture requires many rituals. These rituals keep us on the road. The road to the final destination. Through rituals we keep our selves focused. Reading scriptures is also one of the ritual. Morning puja, evening puja, behave satvik, all these are rituals are which keep us on tract. Hinduism is way of life.

We can not be Hindu if we born to Hindu parents, but need to follow our Dharma all the time, which makes us Hindu.

Namaste,

AmIHindu?

Onkara
11 June 2011, 08:46 AM
Hi BP
I think these questions are moral, and different cultures and generations will have different opinions. My point being please don't assume my answers reflecct the whole community (or even a small part of it).

I was raised without a religion. I embraced SD as an adult. So the concern of my children marying another religion is not an issue, as long as there is mutual respect, love and trust etc.

"The body is a temple." So the question of indulging in unnecessary substances should be avoided, but understood. i.e. alcohol, meat, fish etc.

Adi Shankra wrote in Shiva Manasa Pooja:

Aathma thwam Girija Mathi sahacharaa, prana sarreram gruham,
Pooja theey vishayopa bhoga rachana, nidhra samadhi sthithi,
Sanchara padayo pradakshina vidhi, , sthothrani sarva giraa,
Yadyath karma karomi thathad akhilam, shambho thavaradhanam.

My soul is your temple my lord,
My activities are thine attendants,
My body is thine home,
My acts to please my senses are thine worship,
My act of sleep is the deep meditation on thee,
All my walks with my feet are thine perambulations,
What ever falls from my mouth are thine prayers,
Oh Lord, everything I say and do are thine forms of worship.




Out of curiosity, how would you, if you were or are a parent, approach these situations?

How would you react if your kids wanted to experiment with drugs or alcohol? What if they were an adult?

For vegetarians, what would you do if your kids ate meat or wanted to eat meat (both as kids and as adults)?

What about pre-marital sex?

What if they decided they did not believe in Hinduism and convert to another religion? What would you do if they became agnostic or atheist? What about Christian or Muslim (mainly because these are proselytizing religions and have followers that believe that non-believers go to hell)? What about another Dharmic or Eastern path like Buddhism, Sikhism, or Jainism?

What if they wanted to marry someone that was not Hindu like a Christian or Muslim? Buddhist, Jain, or Sikh?

What if they decided to marry a Hindu, but the Hindu is non-vegetarian?

By the way, I am not a parent. I am way too young for that, but I am curious how Hindus should approach these situations. I know some families would disown the child, but others would accept this.

Eastern Mind
11 June 2011, 12:39 PM
Out of curiosity, how would you, if you were or are a parent, approach these situations?

How would you react if your kids wanted to experiment with drugs or alcohol? What if they were an adult?

For vegetarians, what would you do if your kids ate meat or wanted to eat meat (both as kids and as adults)?

What about pre-marital sex?

What if they decided they did not believe in Hinduism and convert to another religion? What would you do if they became agnostic or atheist? What about Christian or Muslim (mainly because these are proselytizing religions and have followers that believe that non-believers go to hell)? What about another Dharmic or Eastern path like Buddhism, Sikhism, or Jainism?

What if they wanted to marry someone that was not Hindu like a Christian or Muslim? Buddhist, Jain, or Sikh?

What if they decided to marry a Hindu, but the Hindu is non-vegetarian?

By the way, I am not a parent. I am way too young for that, but I am curious how Hindus should approach these situations. I know some families would disown the child, but others would accept this.

Vanakkam bp: We've had five kids 14 years apart, and our parenting has changed over 33 years. It is constant adjusting. One of the primary reasons in this seeming inconsistency has been the fact that each child is different.

4 out of 5 of my children did experiment with drugs or alcohol, and a couple still are. We educated them about the very very scary sides, and the law, and hoped that common sense would pull them (and us) through. You have to recognise that it is inescapable, unless we were to buy an isolated island somewhere. it is impossible to be with your child 24-7. We did our best to provide and encourage other more worth while activities. The end results have been no major crimes or addictions.

None of our kids became meat eaters. One went through a rebellious stage where he would do things like bring home a Big Mac and eat it in the back yard. Ironically, he is now a vegan, and quite political about it. In the rebel time, to his disappointment, we did not react.

Of the five, only one slept around quite a bit. The rest were either virgins before a sustained relationship, or had at the most one other lover. Again, we educated about disease, pregnancy, etc. None of the 4 who are now married or in a sustained relationship were virgins at marriage. I think its a bit unrealistic and overbearing here in the west where the outside influences are so strong.

My kids are all non-practicing Hindus now. None of them have taken on any other religion. I think if any of them did get religious, it would be back to Hinduism, or something very close.

Of the four in relationships, none married Hindus, but all married tolerant people.

I would never disown a child. I would stop contact if they became criminal or a danger to me or others. There were two really strong points we had as they grew up ... No Drunk Driving with My car ... and 'I'll never bail you out of Jail' All of them met these two very basic rules.

Over time, we changed more towards liberal. We found the kids resented the very traditional way we started out with. We could well have lost them at 16 if we'd maintained that path. We have always had great communication with the kids. They told us about their parties, their drug doing, and even some told us about their sex lives. So in that sense, its been great.

If I could enhance one piece of advice, it would be to keep open communication at all costs. Through my profession, I watched people who I considered poor parents have absolutely no clue what their kid was up to. The unwanted pregnancy or the death from drunk driving just comes as a huge shock and denial starts right away. That was sad.

Keeping fear out of the equation is good too. Where would you rather have your kid during a bad acid trip, at home safe, or wandering the streets of some large city?

Sorry for the long rant.

Aum Namasivaya

NayaSurya
13 June 2011, 07:44 AM
I suppose I am grateful for the tremendous trend here in our portion of the "west" which has seen a serious pressure to not do drugs/sex.

Recently, on SouthPark(cartoon) they made fun of this new trend...the old style "goths" were running around doing drugs, smoking cigs and coffee...while the new group called the "hipsters" were drinking V-8 Juice and calling it blood.

It's ironic that the vampire trend here has stirred such a modest movement of purity...but I will take it!

I have two children over 19 and both are virgins. My daughter has never dated. Harry Potter and Twilight contribute much to the children's culture here and it has benefitted our ways a great deal.

My children hear stories of my childhood and can not believe the things we were allowed to do without a word. Just lastnight the movie, Revenge of the Nerds came on and as I went to tell him to change it, my son quickly changed it without me saying to... as the men were doing inappropriate things and he said GROSS! and I laughed so hard...I saw that movie when I was 12...oh yeah...things have definitely gotten more better since my childhood.:p

But, this in this place, the trends change with the prevailing winds..who knows what will be next.

charitra
13 June 2011, 08:35 AM
" You have to recognise that it is inescapable, unless we were to buy an isolated island somewhere "

like it, good one !! :D

bp789
27 June 2011, 06:22 PM
Thanks for sharing all of the information guys :). It was nice to understand all of your perspectives on this topic.

Are there any more people that would like to contribute (native or convert)? I would prefer that more Indians or native-born Hindus answer since both of my parents are from India who moved to the United States and a lot of the issues that I mentioned are pretty controversial (not sure if it's the right word) topics among Indian families.

Eastern Mind
27 June 2011, 06:42 PM
Thanks for sharing all of the information guys :). It was nice to understand all of your perspectives on this topic.

Are there any more people that would like to contribute (native or convert)? I would prefer that more Indians or native-born Hindus answer since both of my parents are from India who moved to the United States and a lot of the issues that I mentioned are pretty controversial (not sure if it's the right word) topics among Indian families.

Vannakkam bp789: Have you ever watched Russell Peters on his parents? Pretty funny stuff, but kind of accurate. I've watched a lot of Indian parents here. From what I've seen, there is generally a huge generation gap, more like the one my generation (60s) had with our parents. My dad almost drove off the road when he saw his first long haired man. in the meantime, I watched from the back seat with totally piqued curiousity.

The parents are in India still, yet the kids are over here. Parents often have no idea what their kid is up to. Things like arranged marriages can develop into very serious issues. If a child has a love relationship, a parent can almost go ballistic. Its sad, and I don't know any solutions. Some parents do adapt really well, and it varies a lot.

But there are some 'customs' like being physically rough (I blame British influence in India's education system for this.) on your kids that are slowly leaving too, thank goodness. Some of these less lovely traits of the culture will disappear within a couple of generations.

Aum Namasivaya

bp789
27 June 2011, 07:19 PM
Vannakkam bp789: Have you ever watched Russell Peters on his parents? Pretty funny stuff, but kind of accurate. I've watched a lot of Indian parents here. From what I've seen, there is generally a huge generation gap, more like the one my generation (60s) had with our parents. My dad almost drove off the road when he saw his first long haired man. in the meantime, I watched from the back seat with totally piqued curiousity.

The parents are in India still, yet the kids are over here. Parents often have no idea what their kid is up to. Things like arranged marriages can develop into very serious issues. If a child has a love relationship, a parent can almost go ballistic. Its sad, and I don't know any solutions. Some parents do adapt really well, and it varies a lot.

But there are some 'customs' like being physically rough (I blame British influence in India's education system for this.) on your kids that are slowly leaving too, thank goodness. Some of these less lovely traits of the culture will disappear within a couple of generations.

Aum Namasivaya

Oh yeah hahahaha. I've seen plenty of clips of Russell Peters' comedy acts. Pretty much all the Indian teenagers in the West know about him :p .

Yeah, I wouldn't say I have a major problem with this with my parents. Plenty of my cousins have had love marriages and the parents were fine with it, but it seems as if as time goes by, my parents and uncles and aunts are becoming less strict I suppose. My oldest uncle used to be very strict with my cousin about choosing a husband; that he had to be Gujarati, a Patel, Hindu, and vegetarian. My other uncle's daughter married a Punjabi Hindu guy who became vegetarian after marriage. My oldest uncle accepted it along with the rest of my family.

With one of my other cousins, it's more complicated. He is dating a Hispanic Christian woman, but certain adults have accepted it although they don't really like it (I think it's because my cousin is in his 30s, so at least he's marrying someone). Oh and she became vegetarian too haha. I think my extended family placed more importance on dietary habits than religion haha. My parents though want me to marry someone that's Indian, Hindu, and vegetarian, which I am fine with and they are not that picky about Gujarati, Punjabi, Tamil, or whatever (although they would still prefer a Gujarati for language and cultural reasons).

But yeah, the reason I was asking all of the hypothetical situations in the first post because I was wondering how Hindu (particularly Indian Hindu) parents would react if their child was to do various stuff like marry a Muslim (which is extremely controversial), convert to Islam (which is worse), start eating meat, drinking alcohol, have pre-marital sex, do drugs, etc. I know some of my cousins drink alcohol behind their parents' backs and their parents do not know. All of our cousins know and there is just an unspoken rule on not to say anything to the parents. Same thing with going to nightclubs, but some of my uncles and aunts already know (but I think they're only okay with it because they assume that they are only dancing with their group and not drinking).

Many Indian parents I know would go crazy and get angry at them or disown them (mainly when it comes to choosing a spouse) or whatever. But yeah, I can see that there is a huge generation gap between our generation and our parents' generation. Anyway, I was asking because I was curious as to what everyone else would do.

Believer
29 June 2011, 11:10 AM
Many Indian parents I know would .......disown them.

That is almost impossible to do. Remember, in Mahabharat, Dhritrashtra overlooked the fact that his son was evil incarnate and took his side till the very end. Even after the war was over and the Pandavas went to the palace to pay their respects to him, he tried to corner Bhim and crush/kill him with his embrace. Lord Krishna knew what he was up to, pulled Bhim away and slid a life size decorative concrete statue towards the blind king. His love for his (evil) son made him crush the concrete statue with his embrace, thinking it was Bhim who was in his arms. Never underestimate the parental love for a child, even when he totally disappoints them. Disowning a child is a distinct possibility, but a very rare one. Only an 'Akbar' would order his son blown to pieces for disobeying him - pyar ke dushman hosh mein aa, ho jayega barbaad.

To a large extent, the Western Indian parents have to take the blame too. They came here, had kids and expected them to be copies of themselves. But, when the kids grow up and need mates, many are either ill equipped in the skills needed to 'seal the deal' because of cultural deficiencies, or don't have enough people from their own ethnic groups in their social/college circle, to satisfy all the requirements of the parents. So, basically parents want them to marry someone from their own ethnic/linguistic/vegetarian/Hindu group without providing any way to find such a person. The longer it takes for someone to find a prospective mate, and the older one gets, the chances of his/her deviating from the set requirements increases many fold. Ultimately, it is the will of the Lord and the past karma of the kids, as to who they end up marrying.

I have seen many combinations for marriages, and know about most of the activities of the younger generation, but pretend to be dumb about it. What choice do the NRIs have, other than to turn a blind eye towards the ABCD's penchant in varying degrees for alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, Rap music with explicit lyrics, Las Vegas/Atlantic City gambling and yes, pre-marital sex?

NayaSurya
29 June 2011, 01:25 PM
Believer...to be born as your child would be a wish granted to any Portion within this realm. You are such a kind Father.<3

Can adopt me anytime.:p

TatTvamAsi
29 June 2011, 10:42 PM
Rule 1 for any Hindu parents:

Raise your children in India and have them attend Hindu-centric schools.

If they still fail at life, no point worrying; they are working out their karmas.