Losing My Faith

[ScarletRose]

I had started out on the Hindu path very strong, taking in the studies, applying my learning and beliefs to my life, and really feel far happier and more peaceful with my life, but then it just all slipped away one bad day.

One day I was having a very bad day, and I didn't blame it on anyone (so don't think I"m blaming the Gods for anything, I would never blame them), but having such a bad day, and then having a meltdown just caused me to lose my drive to perform japa/meditation that night (this meltdown was due to car and college/money stress). I went a few days not feelling like I had enough in me to perform japa/meditation and told myself I'd get back to it "tomorrow," but then I fell into one of my usual patterns.

These patterns I talk about are when I start getting completely focused on one topic and one topic alone, not feeling like I'll do anything else but work on that topic.

I couldn't break myself from focusing on that alone, and the feeling of not wanting to perform japa/meditation persisted, and I started to feel the pressure on me that I really should do it, that it's something that matters to me and it truly was helping me.

Since that first meltdown several weeks ago I've only performed japa/meditation twice and have only looked at my studies briefly, if at all, and I hate that, but I don't know how to get my same drive back. I feel like I've betrayed the Gods, my faith, myself for falling back into a pattern that does nothing for me but confuse me, stress me out, and drive me insane.

I look at the beloved images of Lord Ganesha and Lord Shiva and I wish I could do more for them, get my same drive back, but there is so much going on right now it's very difficult (I still have to figure out what I"m going to do about the money I need for college).

I just wish I could feel the same joy, peace and happiness I felt when I started out. I wish I could feel the same success, and the same closeness with the Gods, especially Lord Ganesha (I feel like I may have betrayed him the most, even though I tell myself he understands and will still be there for me).

Maybe once my mind isn't focused on such stressful things I'll be able to get back to what I actually liked to do. Compared to any other faith/path I've looked into, this one has fit me the best and I actually did something with it, I just wish I could get back into it.

I just wish I didn't feel like I've betrayed them, become lazy, and lost my faith :(

[kallol]

Dear SR,

A few rules, if followed will give you more freedom.

1. Try not to get too obsessed with anything physical whether good or bad. Even obsession with japa (which is good normally) can cause heart burn if not performed one day.

2. Do the activities as duties - as best as possible - honestly and devotedly when doing

3. The mind will go through fluctuations because of internal and external causes. It is natural. Crying & laughing are stress relievers. Trying to suppress the emotions might lead to stress. Neither it is good to do japa or meditation during the high fluctuation stage.

It is like during illness, doctors advise rest.

4. Live life naturally as good you can. What you do good (selflessly) always gives you happiness and satisfaction. What you expect can, many of the times, give sorrow.

Spirituality is not an ornament which can get lost. It is sprouting seed in your mind. You can never escape if you have tasted the fruit.

Love and best wishes

[Friend from the West]

Namaste Scarlet,
In taking a look at your post, as a reader, you do not seem like you are losing your faith. Your words and Kallol's last line sums it up.
Secondly, mine is just one view point and not most learned, but I think Kallol's points are what I would take to heart and to follow.
These trying times are part of journey and think are opportunity for growth. Reaching out to the HDF community seems like a wise thing that you did.
Take it easy on yourself.
FFTW

[wundermonk]

I feel like I've betrayed the Gods, my faith, myself for falling back into a pattern that does nothing for me but confuse me, stress me out, and drive me insane.

I look at the beloved images of Lord Ganesha and Lord Shiva and I wish I could do more for them, get my same drive back, but there is so much going on right now it's very difficult (I still have to figure out what I"m going to do about the money I need for college).

especially Lord Ganesha (I feel like I may have betrayed him the most, even though I tell myself he understands and will still be there for me).

I just wish I didn't feel like I've betrayed them, become lazy, and lost my faith :(

What!?! Thought crime is not allowed within Sanatana Dharma! You can only convert into it. We will not allow you to apostasize. If you DO, I will scream, "OFF WITH THE APOSTATE'S HEAD".

No, seriously. Take it easy. SD says that we are all in different cycles of the reincarnation cycle. There is no reason a God that works for me should work for you or vice versa. Look around, figure out a purpose on your own and be happy. Thats important.

Good luck.

[goodlife]

This is no big reason to worry. it keeps happening to me too even though am born into the path. i even blame God and fight with him but patch up later on he he.

like others said dont get too attached to things including jaap cause it goes against the very nature of dharma..i.e forcing things on yourself.

the path vacillates between devotion and disinterest.you will learn to live with it till you find your shore on either of the side.

all the best

[Adhvagat]

I just wish I could feel the same joy, peace and happiness I felt when I started out. I wish I could feel the same success, and the same closeness with the Gods, especially Lord Ganesha (I feel like I may have betrayed him the most, even though I tell myself he understands and will still be there for me).

Why do you need spirituality to make you feel good when you have food, drugs (various), sex, shopping and list goes on?

If spirituality's aim is about ME and this ME feeling better, then the point is missed and it becomes just another way to satisfy egoistical needs.

If we're troubled mentally, we should work the issues mentally. Just like when we break a bone we don't go to a psychologist, we need a physician and physical rest. The mental level of everyday problems lies below the level of spirituality, spirituality does not magically solve them, but the natural interest and sincerity in the spiritual path make us more and more prepared to deal with them.

We may say I'm sad, I'm troubled, I'm this and I'm that. But what is this I? (As Yajvan often puts here in the forums) Is it what we truly are or perhaps just what we are temporarily doing in this world?

And as EM usually advises, we shouldn't long for spirituality to be a constant influx of spiritual insight and ecstasy, we're only starters, it may happen once in a while and longing for it to take place again only makes our current condition worse, the best we can do is continue the process in the most sattvic manner, happy to be investing on a very important aspect of life that will bear many fruits.

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam SR: I believe this is from the Tirukkural but I'm not sure. It has stuck with me for a very long time. I may be misquoting but you will get the gist.
"One of life's greater follies is to believe the temporal is permanent."

It is temporal.
This morning your post hit me like a brick. Last night I had the worst sleep in months. Bed at 9:30, lying awake until 12:30, then crazy nightmare style dreams, more tossing and turning. Up to the washroom around 2, and then awake again at 4. Now it's 6. I don't feel like doing sadhana or going landscaping at temple. I feel like I'm hungover.

In earlier years it would have been much worse. Now I have a better handle on the quote.

When I was about 35, I slowly withdrew from the heat of sadhana, and morphed into a workaholic. At age 44 I crashed ... 5 kids to feed, and the prospect of no income. This lasted 3 whole long terrifying years.

Then the magician in my life returned, and I started up and over. That was 11 years ago.

So it happens to all souls at some point in their evolution. Its a necessary step because of the valuable teaching that occurs during this time, and then your ability to dig out, be it this lifetime or the next.

So hang in there, and know you're not alone.

Best wishes.

Aum Namasivaya

[Jainarayan]

It's probably a rare person who hasn't felt something akin to this at some point. I feel it occasionally. http://www.hindudharmaforums.com/showthread.php?p=68277#post68277 There are some more good answers and encouragements in that thread.

[c.smith]

Faith isn't something that can be lost, it always has a way of finding you!

Hari Om!

First, thank-you for your post. There are many times when I could have easily related to your exact words. Haunting to sat the least.

Perhaps from another perspective, it could be viewed that Lord Ganesha is giving you a generous gift. Yes, after you're done laughing out loud, stop and contemplate for a moment - just what is Ganesh offering me today with this opportunity? With these feelings? Why am I in this situation? Let the questions rise momentarily, then let them drift back into nothingness. Let Ganesha answer in his own time and in his own way.

May the peace and love of Ganesha be yours now and always.

Jai Ganesha!

[charitra]

During my college years, timewise god was a luxury I couldn’t afford. Although howmuch now I wish I had practiced meditation during that stressful period. Concentrating on classes in itself is a form of japa/tapas, just see how demanding it gets.
Since studies is your current dharma Gods will stay with you, and they will not feel betrayed. Also, should you be too busy for them, then they will keep an eye on your welfare.. namaste

[Jainarayan]

Also, should you be too busy for them, then they will keep an eye on your welfare.. namaste

Just yesterday I read the "foot prints in the sand" poem, and it had specific reference to Lord Krishna:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with Lord Krishna. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord, “You promised me Lord, that if I followed You, You would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed You most, have You not been there for me?”

Lord Krishna replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

http://www.krishnasmercy.org/dotnetnuke/Portals/0/Blog/Files/3/7/WLW-LordKrishna_D642-radha_krishna_2.jpg

[sunyata07]

Namaste Scarlet,

The members here have provided you with many excellent answers and insightful takes of your situation.

Let me say first of all, that our spiritual journey is not a straight path. It may sometimes veer wildly off to the left or right, sometimes we may come to a dead-end and have to backtrack until we come across a part of the road we are familiar with. And other times, it will seem like we have lost our way, or are going in circles. For people without signposts, supplies or the kind help of experienced wayfarers (i.e. scriptures, sadhana and gurus), I imagine this journey would seem much more hopeless and terrifying than for those who can take heart in their deepest beliefs and have the courage to strive on.

A great many bad things happen to the most devout and spiritual people everyday. Life-changing and even life-shattering things that would shake most people about what it means to be human, if God really exists (and if so, why does He allow such things to happen, etc.). Living in such a dualistic state of mind of "But why me?" is not just painful. It is self-inflicted torture.

Pay attention to EM's words. He has gone through what you're going through now. So have I and most (if not all) the others who have replied to your post. It might be that some of us will go through this again. Maybe you can take solace in this, if nothing else, that you are not alone in this.

It sounds like college and other things in your life are taking precedence in your thoughts. That's ok. You might need to take a spiritual break from all the japa and meditation for a while, and focus pursuing your current dharma as a college student and thoughts on finishing your education. If you don't feel in the right frame of mind to take up japa, do not blame yourself for these feelings. The time is not right for sustained meditation, not with your mind so distracted and confused.

This path does not condemn you for failing to continue worship and prayer. You have not betrayed God. Ganesha and Shiva are not so gross, not so contained within just our concepts of the elephant-headed and ascetic deities, that you think you can betray Them by not giving them all your time and energies. Whatever you engage in wherever you are, They are there, right with you, always with you.

Take a break from all this japa and forced meditation. It won't do you any good, and if you continue to force yourself, it will bring you only more confusion and discontent. Focus on your plans for saving money for college, etc. and do your dharma to its fullest in that regard. You can still ask Ganesha and Shiva for assistance and courage when you need it, and of course They will provide it for you. If you ask for answers, sometimes it might not come in the manner in which you were expecting. It's good to be prepared for this unexpected help when it comes, and not to question why things happen as they do. Karma is a tricky thing to unravel. Where does the thread begin and end? Worry not about the fruits. Just do what you have to do, and only you'll know what that is. Nobody else.

When the time is right, perhaps you may feel right about starting again. Only with patience and determination to do one's duty can you find out. I wish you the best with your endeavours. May Sri Ganesha bless you.

Om namah Shivaya

[Obelisk]

I think excellent advice has been offered in the previous posts. :) I'll add my two paise too.

I don't think you need to worry - doubting one's faith is just a natural part of one's spiritual progress and almost everybody goes through this at one point or the other. In fact, I think that if it hasn't gone through this process and withstood the questions and counter-arguments by opponents in order to eliminate confirmation bias, it is not true faith or trust in the first place. There is no shortcut in the path to develop trust, sadly; it needs effort and experience and the path is long and painful, but the results are absolutely worth it. :)

Some people call faith "blind" because of the lack of material proof; but I say that faith sees through the eyes of devotion and love. It is subjective and cannot be expressed outwards to show anyone; we can only experience and confirm it ourselves by our intuition/subconscious/sixth sense. Going though tough times can be the most challenging aspect indeed. From personal experience, I think it really helps to remember an important teaching of SD - that God is not an entity separate from us, but our very own Self and is with us through every situation. What He does is to distribute the results of our own karma. Like Lord Krishna says, just concentrate on your actions and leave it to Him to give you the fruits.

And you certainly have no need to feel guilty at all - if there's one thing that our Dharma definitely states, it is that God is not so petty as to be offended. I have been leading a busy life myself and often don't get time for puja (and sometimes when I do, I simply feel too exhausted to do it). You can take a break from japa and meditation, and resume it whenever you feel comfortable and willing to. Keep Him in your mind and remember that the most important part of a dharmic life is karma yoga - whenever we go a good deed, we are indirectly serving God Himself. Be patient and remember you're not alone; I'm sure you'll do fine.

Best wishes! :)