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Thread: Guide lines for selecting a bride or bridegroom

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    Guide lines for selecting a bride or bridegroom

    Are there any guide lines according to our Hindu dharma while selecting a bride or bridegroom with respect to age difference between boy and girl,gothra differences and horoscope?

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    Re: Guide lines for selecting a bride or bridegroom

    Namaste

    Here is what I was told, so it was what I followed for mine. But firstly, what I say is not authorized but no one seems to be answering this post. For full disclosure, I am a Westerner. Have you asked a Hindu teacher or temple priest? As a Westerner, I did not example very conservative Hindus who follow arranged marriage. But I do want to say, there are very good examples of arranged marriage, in fact if I have my way I plan on deciding whom my offspring will marry based on background of those involved, economic considerations and I will also use the love factor between the two because of the importance of love. But I will say that society had always managed marriage through laws such as by government or Royal decree, in that society has first consideration for children and protecting children, for children are beloved and there are also costs to society if children are abanonded to the society. Therefore one cannot say love is the basis of marriage permission because if marriage license given by government or King was only a license based on love then one who says they love their dog should be given the license to marry their dog. That is the destruction of civilization.

    So throwing arranged marriage out of my options due to being born in the West, and it seems no one will listen to my demands even though I am the father and that includes my own offspring who rebel and the police will arrest me if I try to enforce my demands, there are demands that are possible to enforce even here in America, there are rules that need to be followed and which I did follow in my own example.

    Rule 1
    There must be consent solicited from the prarents of both sides of the family, a mutual-consent step performed with the children from both sides asking the consent of the opposite family, and then each father with mother of both families must formally met with the children present who would wed to mutual consent between each father and mother side of the family. Ths is because the marriage is not between a boy and a girl but between two families. You cannot get married based on love alone without consent from the parents from both sides of the family. And parental eye witness needs to be at the actual wedding ceremony.

    Rule 2
    If your child is the daughter, you should volunteer to pay all expenses. This may not be reasoable in some cases, the other side should refuse if it is obviously not feasible to parties concerned. Consideration needs to be made that the boy may have to encounter many expenses early in the marriage such as buying fancy things such as nice clothes that females like, and so on. Also, the boy may be facing the pressure of down payment on a house, so if pressure like that which may distract time and harmony needs to be mitigated.

    Rule 3
    The goal is to see mates are compatible in age and religion.

    So there you go, for what it is worth which probably not scriptural and there are temple services that give advice and provide wedding rituals.

    The Horoscope is probably a good idea, and the two who marry should not be of the same family, tribe or gotra.

    Om Namah Sivaya

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    Re: Guide lines for selecting a bride or bridegroom

    Namaste Santana,

    Quote Originally Posted by sanatana View Post
    Are there any guide lines according to our Hindu dharma while selecting a bride or bridegroom with respect to age difference between boy and girl,gothra differences and horoscope?
    These are normally followed practice among Hindus in a traditional marriage :

    a) Bride should be of lesser age than the groom. However, it is not compulsory.
    b) The gunas of bride and the bridegroom matching should yield at least 24 out of 36 gunas. Though some variations are acceptable with the consent of the astrologer.
    c) Devatas (as per the horoscope matching) of the bride and the bridegroom should not be natural enemies.
    d) People of same gotras normally don't marry but there are exceptions. People from same gotras are from the lineage of the same Rishi and are therefore considered close relatives and marriage should be avoided. Here also, there are some exceptions permitted with the advice from the astrologer/family pundit.
    e) The four houses ( I don't know if it is followed by all Hindus) of the bride and the groom must not match. The house of a family is the place from where their ancestors came.
    f) Horoscope matching is same as Guna matching. Any family pundit will be able to guide you. If you find a good astrologer, it is better.
    g) If the bride or the groom is Mangali or Mangala (strong influence of Mangal i.e. Mars) then the other one must be Mangala or Mangali otherwise there can be fatal results.

    Instead of going into too much details, better seek the advice of your family pundit.

    OM
    "Om Namo Bhagvate Vaasudevaye"

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    Re: Guide lines for selecting a bride or bridegroom

    Vannakkam ShivaFan and Sanatana


    ShivaFan: I'm amazed!

    if I have my way I plan on deciding whom my offspring will marry based on background of those involved, economic considerations and I will also use the love factor between the two because of the importance of love.
    Therefore one cannot say love is the basis of marriage permission because if marriage license given by government or King was only a license based on love then one who says they love their dog should be given the license to marry their dog. That is the destruction of civilization.

    I'm thoroughly impressed that this comes from a Westerner.

    From my humble observations, over the years, what you implied bears a lot of wisdom.

    Love is too overrated these days! Way too overrated till it doesn't quite make sense anymore. That's my honest opinion.

    And yes, this last line comes from a 21-year-old born and brought up in the present-day modern era, where such thoughts are considered archaic.


    In the West, love is given too much of importance. It is important, yes, but shouldn't always be the determinant for certain things, including marriage. There are many, many other factors involved. As you mentioned, it's the union between 2 families too.

    History has proven again and again that arranged marriage is the more ethical way when compared to love marriages. Of course love should be a factor too, but it isn't the only and main factor.

    But then, misguided Asians themselves have begun to imitate the Western ways of worshipping love, and yes, even if it goes to the extent of severing ties with parents, relatives, religion and culture, just to be with that 1 person you love. Like seriously, does that even make sense?

    I also feel that the younger generation of today feel it is very cool and a 'trend' to rebel against their ancient culture and customs. I want to know why this is happening. Why is it a must to give all these things up for love?

    I admire our ancestors for their wisdom and all. And I support your decisions ShivaFan.

    It's not that I don't support love marriages. My parents, paternal grandparents, and a pair of maternal great-grandparents all had love marriages. But it was all according to proper custom and rights and with families of similar background and social standing. Therefore, all went well and nobody opposed, even if they were love marriages.

    I'm all for love marriages too, provided they shouldn't be just to rebel against parents and culture.

    And horoscopes do play a role. How significant its impact upon the bride and groom depends on how strong their belief in it is. Some families just don't care while others see horoscope as the single most important factor in selecting a spouse.

    I've heard of remedies for horoscopes not matching, like extra prayers and stuff. I'm not sure if it works though.

    Sanatana: I realise you're Brahmin and therefore family customs are quite important. Maybe your family elders can give some advice.


    Aum Namah Shivaya

  5. #5

    Re: Guide lines for selecting a bride or bridegroom

    Namaste
    Thank you Shiva Fan, Devotee and Equinox for taking your valuable time to provide a detailed reply and you opinions on this topic.
    Shiva Fan
    Ths is because the marriage is not between a boy and a girl but between two families. You cannot get married based on love alone without consent from the parents from both sides of the family. And parental eye witness needs to be at the actual wedding ceremony.
    I agree with you on this.Many young men and women coming from traditional Hindu families now a days think it is their life choice and parents opinion is irrelevant,they forget their basic Hindu Dharma.

    Devotee: Thank you for providing some details about gothra and horoscope matching.
    What I am looking for is any scriptures like Manusmruti or Apastamba sutra or any scriptures where some guide lines are given about this important topic 'marriage'.

    Equinox: Thank you for your valuable opinions.

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    Re: Guide lines for selecting a bride or bridegroom

    Quote Originally Posted by sanatana View Post
    ... What I am looking for is any scriptures like Manusmruti or Apastamba sutra or any scriptures where some guide lines are given about this important topic 'marriage'. ...
    Namaste

    While I don't accede to much of the Uddhava Gita, it
    does mention something that could add to the conversation.
    I hope that you don't accept any scripture at face value without
    first discussing it with more knowledgeable persons.

    Hari Aum


    Translation and notes by Swami Madhavananda:
    A person wishing to lead a householder's life should marry an unblemished girl of the same caste, who must be younger
    in age; and if he wishes to marry any other, he should do so after the above marriage, and even then, in the succeeding order*. UG 12:39

    * Succeeding order -- i.e. a Brahmana was allowed to marry in the three lower castes also; a Kshatriya in the two lower;
    and a Vaishya in the Shudra caste also, the last being confined to his own caste. But not in the inverse order.
    With our ears may we hear what is good.
    With our eyes may we behold thy righteousness.
    Tranquil in body, may we who worship thee find rest.

    AUM Peace Peace Peace

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    Re: Guide lines for selecting a bride or bridegroom

    In case of arranged marriages you have the luxury of support from the families, but that luxury is not present in love marriage. So in case of love marriage, trust and the mutual respect between the couple is paramount.

    Human mind especially at the young age is more likely to loose track, so the recipe for a successful love marriage is lots and lots unconditional responsibilities. When your head is over the heels, responsibilities would seem to be possible but responsibility comes with a price tag called sacrifice. Also there are chances that your sacrifice will be seen as your weakness to exploit.

    That means ask yourself are you ready to sacrifice ?
    Anirudh...

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    Re: Guide lines for selecting a bride or bridegroom

    Few more points to added--

    1-Bride should be atleast 5yrs younger to groom(ideal scriptural advice is 9yrs difference-not acceptable to Gen-next'.it is necessary for their energy/aura level compatibility)

    2-Groom"s caste should be same or higher than that of Bride.

    3-Love is not all a necessary for going to a marriage,since when girl feels (though its only because of maya,better call it crush) the love for a boy or vice verso,then they are immediately under influence of KAMA. Once one"s mind-intellect and vivek is under the cloud of kama(sex),their vivek is absent.How can a person with sexual urge for someone can decide what is love,weather the desired person is right/wrong.
    Man-naathah Shri Jagan-nathah Mat-guru-shri jagad-guruhu.
    Mad-atma sarva-bhutatma tasmai Shri Gurave Namah.


    My Lord is the Lord of Universe; My teacher is the teacher of the
    entire universe; and my Self is the Self of all. My salutations at the lotus-feet
    of such a Guru, who has revealed such knowledge to me.

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