Craving Acceptance

[Webimpulse]

One realization I've come to recently is that I crave acceptance. Positive acceptance and recognition, mind you...but it's become apparent to me that this seeking of acceptance has become the end-all, be-all of my existence!

One reason I embraced Hinduism was because it was easy to convince me through the Sanatana Dharma of how God(s) really do love me, but...well, not only do I crave more love from God(s), I crave more love from other people. I'm not sure why, but my desire for the love and adoration of others has become insatiable.

I know a lot of it has to do with self-esteem and a healthy perspective of oneself, and that's where I come up short...and as for why, the only hypothesis I can think of is how my childhood went, and I don't feel comfortable bringing that up here. Still, though, there has to be some way - a Hindu way - to overcome this. Hinduism showed me the door...I chose to walk through it, but now what? I still feel a need to please everyone...I need to grow a spine somehow. I hope one day to have a spine like Lord Ganesha...how do I gain it?

[Jodhaa]

Namaste, Webimpulse!

The search for acceptance and adoration - to various degrees - exists in most human beings. By our evolution and biology we are social creatures - we crave the acceptance in order to feel included in society.

However, to crave the adoration of others, to the extent that you feel miserable without it, can often times make the self esteem issue worse. I'm sure you know this.

Think of acceptance this way - we know logically that it is impossible to please everyone, and yet, we are disappointed when we fail to gain the acceptance of any one given person. But do you really want the acceptance of everyone? I can honestly say there are types of people - angry, violent, toxic people - that I don't want the approval of. I don't want to think that I'm the type of person they want to be around.

Also, acceptance has to do with making yourself available to be accepted. As a shy person, I find opening up to people difficult, but if I manage to, people are much more accepting and open with me! They don't always accept me in the sense of becoming my best friend, but they engage with me, talk with me and are polite at the least.

There's a fine line between enjoying acceptance, and needing acceptance to be happy. No one can accept you unless you can accept and love (or at least confront) the most flawed bits of yourself.

And sometimes, at the end of the day, no matter what you do, some people just arn't going to love you. So don't kill yourself trying to please people. Show people the real you, be yourself, and let them take it or leave it. The sooner you show your true colors the sooner both parties can move on...or not.

Peace!

[Jeffery D. Long]

Jodhaa's words are very wise. I would also add that by making yourself vulnerable in the admirable way that you have by posting this question, you have taken an important step toward self-acceptance. It's much worse to crave acceptance from others and to be in denial about it. But you have been honest with yourself about it and have opened yourself to others about it as well. That takes real courage. What if others saw your desire for acceptance as a sign of weakness? Some would ask themselves this question and then not dare to come forward. But you have come forward in a very honest way.

I suffer from the same desire for acceptance as you. I joined this forum in the first place in part because someone had shared with me the things that you and another member had posted about me without even knowing me, but based on a short article I had written (in response to Deepak Sarma). I found those things very hurtful and wanted to understand where you and the other person were coming from. I persisted in the conversation, despite the fact that it became very acrimonious, in part because I wanted to be accepted by people who shared my love for Hindu Dharma (and felt hurt because, for the first time in my life, that did not seem to be happening), but also because it is very important for me to feel that I have been understood properly. Even if someone disagrees with me strongly, I don't mind, as long as I feel I have been treated fairly (which is also, I suppose, a kind of acceptance). And I also believe that those of us who are committed to Sanatana Dharma, whatever our differences on the intellectual level, need to stick together. I believe in satsang.

The whole thing was a good lesson in detachment, though (vairāgya), because there are people who will simply not accept us, no matter what. And we need to learn that our true value does not come from the acceptance of others, but from the divinity that is inherent in each of us. That gives us courage, even in the face of (temporary) rejection by others.

[Arjuni]

Namast�,

Webimpulse, my advice is to pray Śrī Gaṇeśa to remove the obstacle that is your ego, which stands between you and your realisation of Him.

The desire to be accepted stems from a feeling of incompletion which we long for others to fill with approval and praise, and from the ego's desire to expand by basking in ever-growing attention. But the Divine is perfect fullness, lacking nothing.

Think about a time recently when you felt exuberant and vibrant, swept up in some joyous activity or engrossing train of thought. The odds are that you didn't worry about how others saw you, or even think about them much at all, nor were you focused on yourself and your desires, but only delighted in the pure experience of simply being. I feel that such moments give us a taste of that perfect fullness.

Deep within, you already know how to be whole and full. The next time you think about how others see you, or seek outward attention, turn your focus inward instead. Do japa to Him, or simply close your eyes and think loving Gaṇeśa thoughts, and lay them at His feet like so many flowers. Serve Him with your thoughts, or else serve (with actions) someone else near you, or anything besides indulging those feelings of ego.

It is not an easy habit to discard, that fearful feeling of want, but it's a necessary shell to break so that you may emerge into a fuller, richer life.

Regarding your childhood, I encourage you to seek a professional therapist if you are referring to severe and/or traumatic events. I have had the privilege of knowing several fine people who have emerged from terrible trials, through the work they did in counseling.

If your past is one that you can safely contemplate alone, however, there is one quote I have carried with me for years:

"It is important, if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, to take time to reflect on the competitive edge it has given you. People from happy, harmonious homes may feel healthy and well-adjusted, but they're fixed on one family model which they try to emulate the rest of their lives. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, however, you may be deeply damaged, but you've acquired a broad repertoire of negative models to outgrow. As you go about your adult life, you should be thankful to your parents: they have given you the kind of education that happy children, through no fault of their own, never receive."

I would not necessarily condone the "competitive" part of that quote, but there is truth - even in the darkly humorous bent of these words - that past difficulties can be transformed, by contemplating them as examples and lessons by which to better shape your own character. Daily meditation can provide you a safe-space of deep contemplation, in which to gradually let go of what has come before.

Best wishes. I agree with the others that recognising and admitting this difficulty is an act of courageous surrender. It's the first step in taking that pesky ego down a peg.

[Amrut]

to add to some good advises from other members, I would simply say,

Increase bhakti and surrender. As you come closer to God i.e. progress spirituality, these things will fade away.

The more you stay with God, less you will care about this world and so all desires related to this world will fade away.

Do you meditate?

It helps a lot to know yourself and so you can find a spiritual solution.

What you feel and expect is a generally thing which everybody wants - love and affection, respect, attention. From day one, everyone wants attention, even small thumb sucking babies too

As you progress all qualities multiply, good bad, so character building is very important. this is the reason why advanced meditators slip or are sidetracked

Aum
Indiaspirituality

[Sanja]

Namast�,

Webimpulse, reading your post reminded me so much of myself.
I'd like to share my thoughts with you...

One reason I embraced Hinduism was because it was easy to convince me through the Sanatana Dharma of how God(s) really do love me, but...well, not only do I crave more love from God(s), I crave more love from other people. I'm not sure why, but my desire for the love and adoration of others has become insatiable.

Do you love yourself? You say, you crave more love from God, but do you love God? Sometimes when we don't get the right thing, we need more and more of that what we use as a substitute.
It could be self-love you lack and love from others will never fill this deficiency.

I don't know what you went through, but my childhood was not really beneficial for developing self-esteem. My Mum was on her own and had too much to deal with her own problems. She couldn't give me the attention I would have needed. There were quite a few situations when I wished I had someone by my side to protect me and care about me.

When I grew up, I realised how my childhood affected my present self.
I wanted to change the past...of course I couldn't!
But what I could change where the outcome of the feelings I had, when I was a child. So I started to meditate and to travel back to the situations when I felt sad and alone. I watched myself as a grown woman holding the little girls hand and comforting her. It was really hard and it made me cry again and again, but it has changed my perspective on life and the lessons we have to go through. I developed a deep trust in myself and in God, for he is in me and if I love him, I love myself.

Hinduism showed me the door...I chose to walk through it, but now what?

Just keep walking and be thankful for what you receive. Once you've opened the door, everything you come across matters. And everything is a part of your way to build a devotional relationship with God, and that's exactly what will help you to accept and love yourself.

...I need to grow a spine somehow. I hope one day to have a spine like Lord Ganesha...how do I gain it?

If you want to become one with Lord Ganesha, your passion and your desire will lead you to him. Allow yourself to feel it and get into it. Praying, chanting mantras and meditating will connect you with the energy and quality of you God.

I wish you all the best....

Om Shanti.....

[Amrut]

Just keep walking and be thankful for what you receive. Once you've opened the door, everything you come across matters. And everything is a part of your way to build a devotional relationship with God, and that's exactly what will help you to accept and love yourself.

If you want to become one with Lord Ganesha, your passion and your desire will lead you to him. Allow yourself to feel it and get into it. Praying, chanting mantras and meditating will connect you with the energy and quality of you God.

I wish you all the best....

Om Shanti.....

Wise Advise Sanja

__/ \__

Aum
Indiaspirituality

[Sanja]

Thank you for your feedback, Indiaspirituality!



I love to connect with likeminded people and to see how we help each other on our individual paths to happiness and love.

[Webimpulse]

Namaste all,

Thank you all for the advice! I do follow some of it, such as meditation on a regular basis, but there are some things I've yet to try here. Not sure what else to say at this point...my self-esteem and craving for acceptance didn't get this bad overnight, so it won't go away overnight, I've realized. I should learn to be more forgiving of myself before I get any further.

Again, thanks all for the kind words!

[yajvan]

hariḥ oṁ
~~~~~~
namast�

Let me ask you this... do you see a difference between craving for ( āśāsana ) or craving after (abhilaṣaṇa ) ?

iti śivaṁ