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Thread: Cultivating Kshama

  1. #1
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    Cultivating Kshama

    Namaste dear friends,

    I have been meaning to post about trouble I have been having recently with trying to maintain calm and patience when dealing with people who are diametrically opposed to you, either in conduct or opinion. I must confess in the years I have come to understand Hinduism and what it means to be a good Hindu, I have evolved in my thinking in some ways. Initially I would liken my attitude to a new convert, very enthusiastic but in many ways also naive. Although I understand that there is "each to his own" on how Hinduism might relate to other faiths, I think I am overall comfortable with the idea that sincere spirituality and search for God and the Ultimate Truth exists in most religions. Even if the greater majority does not represent this but has rather a skewed understanding of the meaning of human spiritual growth, I still think it is possible to find a kernel of what is considered spiritually "worthy" and dharmic.

    However, of late I have really come to understand why some of our Hindu brethren have little or no love for Abrahamic neighbours and acquaintances who they have had to deal with in the past. I guess after a time having come into contact with such people myself, I can see that it is not just words I am reading on a monitor. Such people actually exist! It may sound a bit unbelieveable that I am showing such surprise but I suppose you never really believe until you can experience something for yourself. I have read countless posts and threads about the ignorance and almost paranoic fear Christians have for non-Christian expressions of God and divinity, and their shunning of yoga even as exercise, but I expected these to be people who lived in scattered parts of the world (i.e. Bible belt in the midwestern States). Not in my little country where religion is in fact fast becoming something people are disassociating themselves with as a kind of revolution!

    I am currently having to work daily with someone who might be considered of this mindset. This colleague of mine is still very young for someone so vocal about her religion (mid twenties). While I can see she has a good heart and is compassionate in the way the Bible dictates to love thy neighbour, she can be almost a bit grating in this. I am curious if anyone else ever notices the same thing with Christian neighbours, etc.? Do they always assume you: a) believe in God or are necessarily religious or interested in religion, and b) you are Christian? How very presumptious! I must confess something as a follower of Sanatana Dharma. I try to be as good a Hindu as it is possible for someone living in a country with a small Indian/Hindu population. Eat vegetables, do japa and the occassional fasting for holy days. But I don't wear my faith on my sleeve. It just isn't my thing for some reason. If someone asks me outright what is my faith, I will tell them Hindu, but other than that I won't advertise it to them.

    This work colleague of mine however is very loud in her beliefs, and she's about as conservative as you get for a Roman Catholic. Initially this was very refreshing to see - not very many young people I know are interested or care for that sort of thing. Her opinions border on the fundamental side and would be deemed almost offensive by some. After nearly a year sitting beside her I must confess my patience is starting to wear thin. I really couldn't care less hearing about the papal election or the missionaries in India (something which actually grated further on me, knowing what goes on in those circles other than charity and helping the poor), but this person insists on talking to me about it everyday. I am not exaggerating when I say every day.

    There was a topic posted recently about the difference between religion and spirituality, and I was going to respond with this post, only I felt it went off on too much of a tangent to be valid. Please let me announce this isn't an attack on another religion or an anti-Abrahamic post! I know Satay will thank me for it! Only that I feel as if this person is not so much spiritual as she is just doggedly religious. But deceptively so. I've seen her in situations where I am rather shocked at her cunning or ambitious behaviour and I find it rather unbecoming, especially for someone who professes such a faith in her church and its teachings.

    Today I overheard her discussing with another colleague the benefits of meditation and spiritual healing, and this person remarked she had attended classes on introduction to the chakras and yogic meditation - probably more in the way of new age paganism and pseudo-Vedic style than the real thing, but no matter. Today I was able to confirm my suspicions; this colleague of mine then began saying that those classes are Hindu (which they're not) and that it's not a good idea to get involved with that type of thing because who knows what sort of bad spirits you are communicating with. I would consider myself patient enough even in challenging moments to keep quiet and let someone to his/her opinion, but today I physically had to bite down on my tongue and let it pass. I wasn't in the conversation, after all. Such ignorance made me wonder how naive I was to think such extremists lived halfway across the world from me, prosetylising the poor with the price of bread, boarding and rudimentary education. Not at all. It turns out they sit right next to me in work.

    My post is mostly to ask how to deal with people like this. I think kshama one of the greater virtues extolled by Pantanjali. Understanding of svadharma different to one's own and forgiveness of the ignorance or evil that arises as a result. Shiva and Mother Goddess show this to me every time I join my hands in prayer and offer worship. When I recite mantras to Them, I know they are showering mercy on me for my ignorance and my lack of a Hindu upbringing and my unrefined tongue that might only pronounce Their names accurately half the time. It is one of the virtues that supports ahimsa and the concept of compassion for everything, so by failing in this daily I really feel in some ways ashamed of myself. She is a good Catholic and so one can argue she is following her dharma accordingly which would be better than if she did not, according to Bhagavad Gita's teaching. But her ignorance is still astouding and offensive to me.

    Despite this, I couldn't help but feel I would sooner the world graduated into atheism and non-Christian religions (or any religion that dicates "my way or the highway" type philosophy) than have innocent souls continue to live in the indoctrinated ignorance that their path is the only path to God. Even as I type I can feel anger in me, something I'd sooner quell than allow to grow. But then I also recognise that they are not to blame. They are only growing up and reciting the things they have been taught. I can see why so many atheists have likened religion (ie. Christianity) to brainwashing.

    Sorry for the rant (of sorts). I just felt compelled to share a struggle of mine that I am dealing with right now. It's one of the hardest virtues to cultivate I am finding!

    Om namah Shivaya
    "Watch your thoughts, they become words.
    Watch your words, they become actions.
    Watch your actions, they become habits.
    Watch your habits, they become your character.
    Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

    ॐ गं गणपतये नमः
    Om Gam Ganapataye namah

    लोकाः समस्ताः सुखिनो भवन्तु ।
    Lokaah SamastaaH Sukhino Bhavantu

  2. #2
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    Re: Cultivating Kshama

    Vannakkam: Some karma that is! I have no experience of being 'stuck' in such a situation, although I've had to be around colleagues who got annoying for the same reason, but it was only in small bits, and I could usually walk away, and I usually (always) did.

    Maybe there is a superior you can go to to ask to have this person tone it down a little. Or, you could try the direct approach with tact of course, "You know, it really bothers me that you ...."

    Or .. you could request a move to a new location within the workplace. Cultivating patience is an honorable goal, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere as well. It would be much easier if it was 3 times a year, like with that annoying relative so many of us have.

    Certainly its your human right to not have to tolerate. Free listening is free speech's cousin.

    Just tossing out ideas. Best wishes.

    Aum Namasivaya

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    Re: Cultivating Kshama

    Namaste, Sunyata,

    First, I want to commend you for your very well thought out, and honest post. You seem to have balanced being fair to the woman in question while still putting forward an honest opinion of her behavior.

    I don't have much advice to give, as whenever I have been in a situation like you describe, I have been able to smile politely and eventually walk away.

    Unfortunately, you can't stop someone from running at the mouth, especially if it's in their personality. I agree with EM's suggestions, although I think trying to express to her that what she says is sometimes hurtful may just fall on deaf ears. The only opportunity you can take for that would be if she addressed you directly - ie "Hey, those Hindus are weird, am I right?" - type of thing (I'm being facetious but you know what I mean)

    I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to have to be around her every day. Whenever I encounter someone who wants to talk my ear off about religion/spirituality, with the aim of convincing me that everything I know is wrong - I have to really keep myself from either laughing out loud or just walking away without a word, both of which would be rude to say the least.

    I think so far you seem to have taken a very calm, and level headed approach to the situation. The irritation and anger are understandable and I think all you can do is continue to ask God for patience- patience and a sense of humor as well. Humor has helped me get over a lot of frustrating people. You just have to take a step back from the situation and realize how absurd it is to take this person seriously.

    Hopefully someone with more experience with this kind of situation can offer advice.


    Shanti
    "God will not have his work made manifest by cowards."
    ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


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    Re: Cultivating Kshama

    In situations like this, you don't have to be the better person. You should give them a piece of their own cake. To the comment about Hindus communicating with evil spirits, tell her the "holy" spirit she is communicating with is evil, hateful, jealous and resentful. When she talks about the pope, talk about child abuse and criminal funding of the church. When she talks about conversion, talk about how manipulative they operate in India and other third world countries. Nine times out of ten you won't hear from them again. If the conversations bother you, it's not good to let them crop up inside you. It's better to say something. You don't even have to say much. Just by responding with something factual and intelligent, you give them enough rope to embarrass themselves. In high school philosophy class we had a debate and someone wanted to defend the fundamentalist position of not vaccinating their children and started giving a long monologue. I only responded with one question and she started stumbling, so the judges gave the points to me.
    Last edited by Sahasranama; 14 March 2013 at 08:58 PM.

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    Re: Cultivating Kshama

    I think the confusion is because of equating kshama to absolute silence and inaction. In all our itihAsa PuranAs, we see that our role models have always taken a stand where necessary. Kshama means thinking good of even our enemy and not seeking vengeance. Those ideas like "resist not evil" or "Turning the other cheek" etc are not our way.

    For e.g. we see that Vidhura goes at length to advice/criticize the decisions of Dhritarashtra. But after the war, he went to Dhritarashtra all by himself and gave advises on practicing penance and purification - after all the insults he had to bear.

    My opinion is your co-worker has all the rights to hold negative views about Hinduism and even advice others. But if she does it in front of you, then you first politely disagree and if that doesn't stop her then try talking to herabout how this is not the right place or even escalate (later) to your boss/HR[increasing the stand bit-by-bit instead of being drastic]

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    Re: Cultivating Kshama

    You should give them a piece of their own cake.
    very well said!!
    Anirudh...

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    Re: Cultivating Kshama

    One cant live in such a hostile work atmosphere as above, it is indeed a good idea to explain to the woman that she was hurting the sentiments of others and that you are very happy to clarify the basic doctrins of hinduism and much more to the misguided colleague. Seething in constant indignity on a daily basis is not healthy, all this can be resolved in a friendly way over a cup of coffee and it is indeed worth it. The least one could do is to try to dispel the myths surrounding hinduism. One could engage these misinformed people, who are most certainly in the majority, in an intellectual conversation and neutralize the negativity that is weighing down hinduism.

    Most caucasians will be ashamed to know the devious methods adopted by the evangelicals to convert the poor and the gullible, the local native men are rewarded with cash rewards for ‘bringing in’ new converts, who in turn are given inducements for their religious conversion. No one is embracing christianity for any spiritual needs at all. Donors from west must realize that their money is squandered with impunity.

    Hinduism is the worst victim of negative propaganda for centuries, not to mention that it was the most persecuted faith as well. Thanks to the perennial measures put in place by evangelists and mullahs alike, this is the most illunderstood religion on the planet. Some nations like Pakistan have officially distorted their school history books in such a way, that an entire generation grew up with a very poor opinion and frank hatred towards the faith (google textbook distortion, Pakistan etc).

    Namaste.

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    Re: Cultivating Kshama

    Namaste,

    Thank you all for your input. After thinking over these responses in the last few days I can say that I do agree with most of you that there is a difference between tolerating someone's point of view (however misguided it might be) and defending your faith when it is being attacked or disparaged. It may be someone's dharma to follow their own path, but it is mine to stand up and speak against mistruths, especially when it is being hurled against my deepest spiritual beliefs.

    Jodhaa, I like your suggestion of looking at things with a sense of humour. I'm not alone in the workplace in thinking this person is a bit absurd at times, so I will try to see the funny side of things when I feel myself getting angry. It doesn't help that my work can be very demanding which can make me less tolerant of others as the week goes on.

    I'm not sure I can take this as far as speaking to a supervisor as my colleague and I unfortunately are sharing the same role and in the same team. Moving would be seen almost tantamount to resignation as we mostly get along other than this point of view. Is it worth bringing contention in amongst our team? In some ways yes, I believe so if will mean an end to the nonsense I have to put up with most days, but in others I am hesitant to make waves. I think the main obstacle here lies in her ignorance that I am not Catholic, otherwise I believe she would civil enough to keep her views to herself and not air them in front of me. I think I might correct this (ie. just tell it to her straight the next time she brushes on a question of my attending Mass or observing Lent) and see how the course of things adjust as a result.

    Sahasranama, I must admit your post made me grin a little, and yes I have fantasised about just saying all this to her and getting it out of the way for good. It would certainly be a small price to pay to have to hear her talk about Jesus Christ every second of the day.

    Om namah Shivaya
    "Watch your thoughts, they become words.
    Watch your words, they become actions.
    Watch your actions, they become habits.
    Watch your habits, they become your character.
    Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."

    ॐ गं गणपतये नमः
    Om Gam Ganapataye namah

    लोकाः समस्ताः सुखिनो भवन्तु ।
    Lokaah SamastaaH Sukhino Bhavantu

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    Re: Cultivating Kshama

    Namaste,

    How about having some visible signs of the Hindu faith around your work area - like small picture of a deity, or the Om symbol, inconspicuously tucked away in a corner of your desk, taking out Bhagwad Gita during lunch time, as if you were going to spend the lunch hour reading it, or taking a mala to work and actually doing a silent japa during lunch time. The suggestions are not meant to make you wear your faith on your sleeve, but to send strong signals that you have embraced some alternate choices, and do not share your co-worker's love for a certain individual or his designated man at the Vatican. When the conditions become suffocating, one must express him/her-self in ahamsic ways for a little push back. In the work environment, one has to get along with everyone and maintain peace at all costs so as not to risk ones means of survival, but subtle non-verbal things could be done to communicate your differences to relieve your frustration and possibly dissuade this person from glorifying her choices. Good luck and may the force be with you.

    Pranam.

  10. #10
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    Re: Cultivating Kshama

    Vannakkam: Believer, I just had the same thought. It might work, too, unless the place has some secular rules on non-religious stuff.

    Sunyata, please keep us posted on your actions and what happened. You have now piqued some interests.

    Aum Namasivaya

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