I have a fear of not being able to handle the energy of it.
if it was not on top of me but in me then perhaps I would explode, and so I have been trying to avoid getting into this situation.
It involved what seemed like a new, joyous self coming into the body and having to learn to work the arms and legs, but, that ocean of bliss experience ended.
I felt that I knew what had happened - that my previous first-person was gone - *poof*.
What else do you do? Remove the "I' from when you speak?
For the past 3 years, I have enjoyed some kind of a lack of internal pain, but not, as you point out, some kind of I. It has been like I lost something, and I have not known what.
I must ask, I made the point about 'I' and language. For example, you start by saying, "I get the feeling...", and this strikes me as an example of how it seems to me there is no way to avoid this when communicating. I recall being told such concessions would have to be made to communicate. How do you feel about this?
And I think it is an interesting point as to the loss of some part or kind of ego, but clearly not some other part or kind. I am struck by the level of permanent relative satisfaction, as combined with an ongoing "I" experience, as I recognize NOW, seemingly at some other level than before. At this point, it just does not occur the same, or have the same implications. It is as if there is some level of a lack of conflict and a persistent satisfaction which does not include the loss of ego-I.
That means, ego-I is completely lost, which is equivalent to ignorance, because
there have been fears of a couple of things. One is a fear of turning to God and losing the need to complete the project which began 13 years ago. The other has been to not be able to handle a higher energy, as characterized by the experiences of being crushed by some great weight. I have some fears on the idea of developing further.
That is fascinating to me, and very reassuring to me that I am not isolated there. For me, it was in the center of the sphere of the head (center between the front of the ears), and it was the first time I had a feeling in that location. Since that time, there have been occasions of some kind of beam of energy from there to the top of my head, but no sense beyond that. It seemed like the shape of a flashlight beam, and to have an obvious need to continue past the physical head, and that perhaps I had no sense of the ethereal beyond that, and only the physical part was in the domain of my perception.
And I am experiencing the body - no doubts there. I feel physical pain, and I don't like the way that that feels. I would choose to get out of that. I like tasty, nutritious food, and I think and act out fears. I don't see how all of this is possible according to a strict definition of some greater existence. I think I'm full of crappy programming/habits; I would prefer not to be. I fear being held back by not being clean enough (like the smoking).
That reminds me of what I said posting here – “afraid of not handling the energy”. A fear of what may be the big, final loss of self, in my case, in the form of a physical manifestation of mental anxiety, which in my experience can be very tricky stuff. Actually, since I had a spell of beyond, it turns out to be a blessing that helps support the simple understanding of, “What energy? I did that already”.
And I come to see that because the blissful experience lasted for only a couple of hours and then ended, that I put this as somehow being rejected to continue to have it, or that I was not worthy of it, so that was how I interpreted it, therefore; I probably became afraid of not being worthy of any higher self or existence.
Bookmarks