Mixed Marriages

[Premāyaṇa]

Namaste,

My wife is Catholic, though she supports what I am doing. However, I'd also like to support her, but don't know how far I can or should go.

She doesn't like to go to church alone. I don't know if I should go with her, and to what extent I should participate. I like some of the songs they sing, but of course the songs are Catholic and discuss things that I don't believe in. I feel hypocritical to sing them, but of course they are only songs.

Then there's the matter of communion. I do not know if it is disrespectful, whether to the Hindu Gods or to the Catholic Church even, to receive while not believing what they believe.

She has no problem with what I do, and often sits in on my devotion.

I'm sure there are others with mixed marriages. if so, how do you handle it?

[Necromancer]

Namaste,

My wife is Catholic, though she supports what I am doing. However, I'd also like to support her, but don't know how far I can or should go.

She doesn't like to go to church alone. I don't know if I should go with her, and to what extent I should participate. I like some of the songs they sing, but of course the songs are Catholic and discuss things that I don't believe in. I feel hypocritical to sing them, but of course they are only songs.

Then there's the matter of communion. I do not know if it is disrespectful, whether to the Hindu Gods or to the Catholic Church even, to receive while not believing what they believe.

She has no problem with what I do, and often sits in on my devotion.

I'm sure there are others with mixed marriages. if so, how do you handle it?

Namaste.

Even though I am a Hindu, I will sometimes attend an Anglican Church service when I'm feeling lonely or sad and the Mandir is closed (Anglican being my birth/baptismal religion).

I feel as if it's a case of 'as long as I am acknowledging an Almighty Being and praying to a Divinity instead of doing mundane things like watching TV or playing video games, it's all good'.

I can manage to drop the pretense and equate Lord Shiva with Jehova. God is God and to limit Him to one form or another is to place our own limitations on a Being who can be anything, anyone and anywhere He wants to be.

I have a slight problem with accepting Jesus as being the 'Son of God' and 'dying for our sins' and especially 'the Holy Resurrection', but I do feel that Jesus was a great Soul like a very holy, enlightened sage and also a self-realised person. Jesus was a great teacher who emphasised love and compassion like the Buddha did. The Holy Bible is full of amazing stories.

We can all be 'children of God' if we learn to become like Jesus.

I don't mind singing songs in praise of Jesus and acknowledging this. I do draw the line at accepting him as my 'personal Lord and Saviour' and especially the bit about 'the only way to The Father is through the Son'.

'Cutting out the middle-man' is what turned me away from Christianity and towards Hinduism in the first place.

That being said, I feel very comfortable and at home in a Church - more comfortable than I do in a Mandir, in fact.

Just open up your heart and feel the love. That's what it's all about.

Aum Namah Shivaya

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam:

In my mind, mixed marriages aren't advisable for many reasons. Yes, they can work, but there are several factors that make it more difficult.

Arranged marriages generally work better, because both families have a vested interest, astrology is checked, and shared interests are considered before. I think even with successful love marriages, there is a lot of pre-talk. The new trend is computer matching, which I think is a great idea. I have two children who found successful matches that way. A close friend who wanted a 'traditional' partner, one who was willing to practice vegetarianism and sadhana, stay home when the kids come along, etc, confided in me, that his search was narrowed substantially soon after his profile went on a site. Very few people answered, and he estimated that 95% or potential responses were eliminated right away.

If one person in the couple becomes more religious than the other, problems can result. I've seen a couple of divorces because of that. Another common problem is raising the kids. Many opt for teaching about both faiths, practicing both faiths. Is this fair to the kids. When the obvious conflicting ideas, come up, what does it say to them? Who do they believe. They often end up not practicing either faith as adults, which is fine too, but perhaps not ideal.

So once you're in it, obviously there is no turning back, or at least I would never recommend a divorce. Just expect more compromise, more problems. None of which can't be overcome.

Aum Namasivaya

[Jodhaa]

Namaste,

My wife is Catholic, though she supports what I am doing. However, I'd also like to support her, but don't know how far I can or should go.

She doesn't like to go to church alone. I don't know if I should go with her, and to what extent I should participate. I like some of the songs they sing, but of course the songs are Catholic and discuss things that I don't believe in. I feel hypocritical to sing them, but of course they are only songs.

Then there's the matter of communion. I do not know if it is disrespectful, whether to the Hindu Gods or to the Catholic Church even, to receive while not believing what they believe.

She has no problem with what I do, and often sits in on my devotion.

I'm sure there are others with mixed marriages. if so, how do you handle it?

Namaste Pramayana,

My husband is Catholic and is also supportive of what I do. While he does says I don't have to come with him on the rare occasion he goes to Church I will sometimes go anyway, because he is my husband and we are a couple, and in my mind it does me no harm.

You should know that as far as communion goes, if you are un-confirmed (I am not confirmed either) You can respectfully decline the sacrament when you reach the priest by crossing your arms over your chest(think Egyptian mummy style). He will bless you with the sign of the cross instead of giving you communion and you can go back to your seat. I will either do this or simply move out of the way for others to line up and then take my seat again. I used to feel self conscious about this, but gradually it goes away.

As far as how much you feel you should participate? If you enjoy singing the songs, sing them. If they get to one where the subject matter makes you uncomfortable, stop singing. Others in the congregation may look askance at you (even though they should be focusing on their own worship) but you are there as a sign of solidarity to your wife, and she probably knows this. That's all that matters.

But just to make sure, I would express to her what does and doesn't make you comfortable, so you are on the same page. That way there are no hurt feelings when she misinterprets what you are or aren't doing.

I take the stance that mixed marriages can not only work, they are beneficial to both people. The key is a lot of communication. You do have to make some compromises, and put everything "out there" so that everyone is on the same page.

Here's another though - You mentioned that your wife doesn't like going to church alone. Does she have a group of friends she can go with or meet up with when she gets there? This would take a lot of pressure off you, and also relieve her of any guilt she might feel by taking you along when she knows you might rather not.

I'm not sure how religious your wife is so it could be more complicated then you say. My husband is a fairly relaxed Catholic and often jaded by his faith, so he never expressed disappointment if I choose not to go with him.

It is a balancing act sometimes, but I think you can make it work. Marriages sink or swim based largely on how inflated the egos of the individuals involved are and less on your differing views. At least this is what I have seen.

Best of luck to you!

shanti

[Believer]

Namaste,

kids.... They often end up not practicing either faith as adults, which is fine too..........

How so?

I take the stance that mixed marriages ...... are beneficial to both people.

How so?

Pranam.

[Jodhaa]

Namaste,
How so?

Pranam.

Any time you have to walk in someone else shoes, even for a short time, it can only broaden your awareness of people around you. The world is getting smaller everyday and it's no longer sufficient to ignore the opinions, practices and beliefs of others or to shrug them off without bothering to learn about them. People still try, of course, but int he age of the internet and affordable world travel, they are running out of excuses for being ignorant.

A mixed marriage allows two people practice the cooperation and communication skills that are sorely needed on a global scale. We so often lament about the inability of governments and large organized religions to communicate and get along. But all that big stuff has to start on the home front and with the individual. Mixed marriages offer people the ability to learn something new, even if they don't agree. And because you are committed (presumably) to this person for life, you either have to get creative and learn how t get along, or let it go. I think there's more to be gained in the former situation. It's not easy to attain, but most things worth having aren't.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I certainly don't deny that mixed marriages can go sour, they can and do all the time, but I don't think the difference in faith is the real problem. It's a lack of communication skills, an inability to be patient and an inflated ego. Those will cause problems no matter how well you sync up on a piece of paper.

shanti

[Jeffery D. Long]

My wife was already Hindu when we met--one of her many excellent qualities. Our religious views and practices are essentially the same (Ramakrishna tradition, which some on these forums call "Neo-Vedanta"). We are, however, from different cultural backgrounds (Irish American raised Catholic and Bengali Hindu raised in New Delhi). As in any successful marriage, things need to be negotiated lovingly and openly, and I trust that you and your wife will find a way to accommodate one another's spiritual and personal needs.

As a former Catholic myself, I find I do not care to enter churches unless they are empty (in which case they can sometimes be very serene and spiritual places). I feel that going to a service would be like going back to elementary school. For the last twenty years I have only entered churches for interfaith events (where I was invited specifically as part of a Hindu delegation, so it was clear to everyone that I was not a member, but a guest) or as a tourist (i.e. admiring the artwork and architecture of old medieval cathedrals in Europe). Other than as noted, I simply have no reason to go to one.

If going to the church makes you feel hypocritical or in any other way uncomfortable, I would suggest telling this to your wife. If it is very important for her that you be there, it might be worth exploring why this is the case. It's nice that she joins you in your devotions. The particular Hindu tradition to which I adhere affirms (a source of much controversy on these forums) that the divine can be found everywhere. If you can, in the church, tap into the same inner source of serenity and wisdom that you find in your regular sādhana (perhaps silently reciting your mantra, if you have one, throughout the service), then that might help you get through it if it's important to your wife that you be there. But I would not encourage active participation (i.e. communion) if it goes against your conscience, evoking feelings of either guilt or hypocrisy. Hindu traditions vary in their views on this topic, but the Catholic church definitely does not condone persons taking communion who have taken up another religious tradition. Technically, you would need to confess your Hinduism as a "sin" (known as apostasy) and be forgiven by a priest in order to take communion. I presume that is absolutely out of the question if you are sincere in your pursuit of Hinduism. So I would not recommend participating in communion at all. You can do what Jodhaa suggests, or simply stay seated, which is what most guests do in a Catholic church.

I hope this is helpful.

P.S. I can't help but add a funny note that, the first time I did enter a church after becoming Hindu and attending a temple for many years, I instinctively took off my shoes, which created some genuine bafflement for the people I was with!

[Eastern Mind]

Namaste,

How so?

Pranam.

Vannakkam: I know non-practicing people, as that's where I came from too. You still have the ethics of common sense. My own children are all non-practicing now, more or less. It is the west after all, but still I believe they are good people, which is what really counts.

Aum Namasivaya

[Believer]

Namaste,

.....my Guru-ji said to me "If you place each foot in a separate boat, you'll fall in the water'.

Even though I am a Hindu.......I can manage to drop the pretense and equate Lord Shiva with Jehova.

There must be some way to make these two positions converge?

Pranam.

[Premāyaṇa]

Namaste.

Even though I am a Hindu, I will sometimes attend an Anglican Church service when I'm feeling lonely or sad and the Mandir is closed (Anglican being my birth/baptismal religion).

I feel as if it's a case of 'as long as I am acknowledging an Almighty Being and praying to a Divinity instead of doing mundane things like watching TV or playing video games, it's all good'.

I can manage to drop the pretense and equate Lord Shiva with Jehova. God is God and to limit Him to one form or another is to place our own limitations on a Being who can be anything, anyone and anywhere He wants to be.

I have a slight problem with accepting Jesus as being the 'Son of God' and 'dying for our sins' and especially 'the Holy Resurrection', but I do feel that Jesus was a great Soul like a very holy, enlightened sage and also a self-realised person. Jesus was a great teacher who emphasised love and compassion like the Buddha did. The Holy Bible is full of amazing stories.

We can all be 'children of God' if we learn to become like Jesus.

I don't mind singing songs in praise of Jesus and acknowledging this. I do draw the line at accepting him as my 'personal Lord and Saviour' and especially the bit about 'the only way to The Father is through the Son'.

'Cutting out the middle-man' is what turned me away from Christianity and towards Hinduism in the first place.

That being said, I feel very comfortable and at home in a Church - more comfortable than I do in a Mandir, in fact.

Just open up your heart and feel the love. That's what it's all about.

Aum Namah Shivaya

Namaste Necromancerji,

Thank you for your insightful post. It really does help to give perspective in my situation.

I agree with you about your views of Jesus. I believe most of his words were probably severely misinterpreted, resulting in the Christianity we have today, totally different from the meaning of his original message.

Anyway, there are many views expressed in this thread, some conflicting, so I guess it is all up to what I feel. I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't be betraying my Hindu faith.

Thanks for everyone's input.