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Thread: Duty to Family

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    Duty to Family

    Namaskar,

    This may be a silly question but it's been gnawing at me for a while and I haven't been able to come to a clear resolution.

    I take duty to Family seriously, I always have. I am adopted and to me my Family are those who raised me, that is as true and strong as blood or DNA for me. I never really had any interest in finding out more, and anyway my records were locked. It would have taken a court order to open them. It's was a process I was offered help with once or twice when I was younger and never cared to bother following up on.

    Here's the inevitable "Till now". I want to know my birth time and place so I can find my Nakshatra and other things. My records were opened by the state in 2008. So, I asked if I could apply for deidentified birth records so I didn't get any names or anything. Nope. You either get the records or you don't do it.

    So. I may soon find out the name(s) of my birth parent(s), and if I was given a name before adoption - does happen sometimes - I'll find that out too. I might find out some basic information about my Mother too, like her birth date and age.

    All of this is troubling me a bit, but mostly I am wondering. Once I know their names, does my duty to Family extend to them? By technical definition they are, whether I would choose that or not.

    What if, knowing the name, I go looking for her online and find her image and contact information. Does this now change things, even if I don't contact her? I don't know if I would do that, but I know I would be tempted to if I was looking at a name on a certificate...

    Any thoughts on this are very welcome.
    Pranams
    ~~~~~
    What has Learning profited a man, if it has not led him to worship the good feet of Him who is pure knowledge itself?
    They alone dispel the mind's distress, who take refuge at the feet of the incomparable one.
    ~~Tirukural 2, 7

    Anbe Sivamayam, Satyame Parasivam

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    Re: Duty to Family

    Namaskar,

    Apologies for the bump, but am due to pick up the papers this AM, they came in yesterday afternoon. I'm pretty unsettled and a little conflicted. Any thoughts are welcome?

    Pranams
    ~~~~~
    What has Learning profited a man, if it has not led him to worship the good feet of Him who is pure knowledge itself?
    They alone dispel the mind's distress, who take refuge at the feet of the incomparable one.
    ~~Tirukural 2, 7

    Anbe Sivamayam, Satyame Parasivam

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    Re: Duty to Family

    Quote Originally Posted by Aanandinii View Post
    Namaskar,

    This may be a silly question but it's been gnawing at me for a while and I haven't been able to come to a clear resolution.

    I take duty to Family seriously, I always have. I am adopted and to me my Family are those who raised me, that is as true and strong as blood or DNA for me. I never really had any interest in finding out more, and anyway my records were locked. It would have taken a court order to open them. It's was a process I was offered help with once or twice when I was younger and never cared to bother following up on.

    Here's the inevitable "Till now". I want to know my birth time and place so I can find my Nakshatra and other things. My records were opened by the state in 2008. So, I asked if I could apply for deidentified birth records so I didn't get any names or anything. Nope. You either get the records or you don't do it.

    So. I may soon find out the name(s) of my birth parent(s), and if I was given a name before adoption - does happen sometimes - I'll find that out too. I might find out some basic information about my Mother too, like her birth date and age.

    All of this is troubling me a bit, but mostly I am wondering. Once I know their names, does my duty to Family extend to them? By technical definition they are, whether I would choose that or not.

    What if, knowing the name, I go looking for her online and find her image and contact information. Does this now change things, even if I don't contact her? I don't know if I would do that, but I know I would be tempted to if I was looking at a name on a certificate...

    Any thoughts on this are very welcome.
    Pranams
    Dear Aanandinii,

    There is a jyotish technique called 'Nashta (lost) jatakam' and by this, some people are given an ascendant to work with their charts - I don't know if this would interest you but a very qualified Jyotishi might be able to help you with this.

    Many orthodox Hindus believe that obeisance to parents is more important than even obeisance to god and so in that sense, it would be beneficial for you to know the whereabouts of your parents.

    And then once you know, then comes the social phenomenon of how you will proceed about with getting to know them and this is very complicated and I cannot imagine the many dimensions such a scenario would present to prepare oneself in advance for them.

    I recently watched a TV movie where biological parents want to get back their little son who is well-settled with adopted parents and how emotional all this can get -- even if you are not a little child, I can still imagine the depth of emotions that would be involved with all, and it is a good question whether one should proceed to knowing all about it then..

    But it would be beneficial, for you to know about their whereabouts, etc, from a spiritual point-of-view, because later you can do certain samskaaras for them if you know.. which is believed to be good for you.
    jai hanuman gyan gun sagar jai kapis tihu lok ujagar

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    Re: Duty to Family

    Pranam

    i can understand it would be a bit scary but you shouldn't worry, your duty to your family should always remain the same no matter what.

    There is a possibility you may not like what you discover on other hand you might get a chance to understand the reasons behind your adoption. You never know you might a chance to help those folks in their old age, if nothing else they might find out that you are safe.

    I wish you all the best, good luck with what you find, always look at the positive side of things, what ever happens, happens for the best. There must be a plan in all that happens in our lives.

    Jai Shree Krishna
    Rig Veda list only 33 devas, they are all propitiated, worthy off our worship, all other names of gods are derivative from this 33 originals,
    Bhagvat Gita; Shree Krishna says Chapter 3.11 devan bhavayatanena te deva bhavayantu vah parasparam bhavayantah sreyah param avapsyatha Chapter 17.4 yajante sattvika devan yaksa-raksamsi rajasah pretan bhuta-ganams canye yajante tamasa janah
    The world disappears in him. He is the peaceful, the good, the one without a second.

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    Re: Duty to Family

    Namaste,

    Personally, I don't know my nakshatra or gotra or other things related to that branch of Hinduism, nor do I care to know. I am what I am and I must better myself, and that is the end of it. I guess I don't subscribe to the school of thought that believes in everything in my life being driven by the position of constellations and myriad other things. For what it is worth, do you really want to shake up the past and get to know your birth parents and the whole nine yards. Once you see the unsealed papers, there is no way your curiosity would let you rest unless, gradually you have uncovered all of your past. Do you really want to face it? If the adoptive family provided you with all the love and nurturing, is anything to be gained by peeking into the unsealed papers? Those are the questions that you have to answer yourself. The desire to know the past, once the information is available would be irresistible. Good luck.

    Pranam.

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    Re: Duty to Family

    Quote Originally Posted by Aanandinii View Post
    Namaskar,

    Apologies for the bump, but am due to pick up the papers this AM, they came in yesterday afternoon. I'm pretty unsettled and a little conflicted. Any thoughts are welcome?

    Pranams
    Vannakkam Aanandinii: I echo what Believer said in that it is up to you and you alone. In my personal experience, I've seen it go both ways. Sometimes a new relationship is established between birth parents and the adopted child in love and understanding. Maybe Mom was just incredibly young like 14 and in no position to raise a baby. But also the opposite can happen, and it can be almost tragic. I know of one case where it could have turned out rather ugly, in that the child actually knew and despised a certain person that was the birth mother. Yet another person I know has established a relationship with one birth parent but not the other.

    So it's tough. Maybe Ganesha will give you a sign. Best wishers on it.

    Aum Namasivaya

  7. #7

    Re: Duty to Family

    Dear Aanandinii,

    Namaste,

    You have fantastic advice already here, if I might add a few of my thoughts for your consideration.

    A very brave move indeed, it would appear to me that your desire to know of your Janma nakṣatra is born of your enquiring mind, as to the finer details of the nature of God; This childlike spirit of inquisition should be encouraged, as true joy and the real nectar of life is found there within, the branches of study towards which you are heading, will keep you in childlike awe of the universe for the rest of your days!

    Quote Originally Posted by Aanandinii View Post
    All of this is troubling me a bit, but mostly I am wondering. Once I know their names, does my duty to Family extend to them? By technical definition they are, whether I would choose that or not.
    Your duty to family should extend to every soul on this planet.
    We are undoubtedly all related, to dispute such might be considered to be a sever limitation. Now, as you might discover on your voyage of intellectual and spiritual delight, karma links you irrevocably to your past by way of both the present and the future, as such any dealings with your blood parents if necessary, might well happen in your next life; why press for that now if you do not think it wise? We are linked through patterns and effect, via deed; in a way which is much more powerful than that of the material patterns of dna, dna being a material reflection of the cosmos, not the other way around.

    It is my thought that you have more to lose in not seeing the wonderful reflections in time that knowledge can reveal; jotiṣ is not so much about knowing the future, what one has to or, has not to do, it is rather more about being honest with ones self and admiring the sheer beauty of time; getting as close to God as one can.
    It is true that a trikālaja jotiṣa would not need your precise details; but if I were you I would try to get a hold of them.

    Could you perhaps ask that a friend filter the information for you?

    Kind regards.
    Last edited by Mana; 22 January 2014 at 04:49 PM.

  8. #8

    Re: Duty to Family

    Quote Originally Posted by Aanandinii View Post
    Namaskar,

    This may be a silly question but it's been gnawing at me for a while and I haven't been able to come to a clear resolution.

    I take duty to Family seriously, I always have. I am adopted and to me my Family are those who raised me, that is as true and strong as blood or DNA for me. I never really had any interest in finding out more, and anyway my records were locked. It would have taken a court order to open them. It's was a process I was offered help with once or twice when I was younger and never cared to bother following up on.

    Here's the inevitable "Till now". I want to know my birth time and place so I can find my Nakshatra and other things. My records were opened by the state in 2008. So, I asked if I could apply for deidentified birth records so I didn't get any names or anything. Nope. You either get the records or you don't do it.

    So. I may soon find out the name(s) of my birth parent(s), and if I was given a name before adoption - does happen sometimes - I'll find that out too. I might find out some basic information about my Mother too, like her birth date and age.

    All of this is troubling me a bit, but mostly I am wondering. Once I know their names, does my duty to Family extend to them? By technical definition they are, whether I would choose that or not.

    What if, knowing the name, I go looking for her online and find her image and contact information. Does this now change things, even if I don't contact her? I don't know if I would do that, but I know I would be tempted to if I was looking at a name on a certificate...

    Any thoughts on this are very welcome.
    Pranams
    Namaste Aanandinii,

    Aanandinii, I personally understand it that for our souls we are never someones child. We are independent souls. A child comes as a gift. It comes to this world and seeks a home. In the same way parents seek a child. This is a process of reuniting. Due to attraction and/or past events (Karma) we are born in a certain family and circumstances. We will seek people that we have had relations with in past lives. But we do not remember what relations we had. We only feel attraction or comfort or unfulfilled longing. The reunion is often equally emotional as the departure. So much as we are devastated as someone dies, we are overcome with happiness as we reunite.

    So what does this mean? This means that with both your biological and adoption parents you had relations in past lives. It may be that the relations you had with the souls of the adoption parents in past lives were closer and warmer than with what are now your biological parents. Someone may have been a mother in a past life, in this life (s)he may be a dear friend. The souls are connected but the relationships, change. This is especially the case since our relations have become so much more diverse, we no longer live in isolated tribes.

    See your relation with you new parents as separate from those with your biological parents. Whether a warm relation will develop between you and your biological parents may or may not be, depending on things in the past. There must be some deeper reason why you did not stay together for long. It may have to do with past lives. In life friendship can turn into animosity. It can even happen that a child wanting to be born is rejected. Some children are born and die within a short period of time. Sometime people are born to others to fulfill a need. A person may fall in love with someone but die before it could grow into relationship. The longing may bring him/her to this person in a new life, even though their relationship was never strong. Maybe the biological parents were people you admired in a previous life, but your foster parents were the ones the really cared for you, but you did not appreciate that.

    Who knows. We can only speculate why our souls walk a certain path. But what we do take from life are the deeper impressions. That is why we feel inexplicably attracted to some and inexplicably repelled by others. You biological parents play a role too in this. The only way to find out which role is getting to know them. But you should not fear it, the role you have with you adoption parents is separate from that. You should however consider that it can bring strong emotions to your adoption parents as well, feelings of uncertainty, fear, jealousy. Either you are very open about it, and ask their advice, (they normally will appreciate that), or if this is not possible you should keep it from them not to hurt them.

    As to duty. Sharing genes do not create a duty in itself. It depends a bit how much they loved you. Your mother carried you and sometimes people have to give up their baby because of circumstances or they can even be stolen. If this is the case then there is often a strong mutual yearning to reunite. But it can also happen that for some reason you are born with people with which the bond was never strong, or only strong with one of them. If you do feel a special bond between you that may result in a wish to care for them. Friendship creates strong obligations that go beyond lives. But to your adoption parents you do have obligations from this life.

    It is logical it creates uncertainty, it has to do with identity. Who am I? Remember you are a separate soul, that comes to this world and creates bonds. The bonds you feel with people are more telling than outward relationships. Through karma we can end up in roles that we find difficult and difficult to understand. You may want to discover what these people mean to you. The fact the you parted makes the chance slim that you will reconnect again, unless it was fate that separated you. Like people that divorce and remarry often end up divorcing again. They forgot why they divorced the first time. Do not be scared, but neither have great expectations, rather be curious. The greatest compliment to your adoption parents is to ask their advice. Where real love is, there is real trust too, and it needs to be expressed.

    I wish you good luck.
    Last edited by Avyaydya; 22 January 2014 at 11:24 PM.

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    Re: Duty to Family

    Aanandinii

    Personally, I think if you can find out the date and time (and location is a plus) then you can get your Nakshatra from a jyotish which I think would be beneficial.

    As far as "adoption", your current parents who adopted you are your parents. Devi Mother Sita is the adopted daughter of King Janaka of Mithila and Queen Sunayna, She was found in a furrow from Bhumi. So Her parents are the one's Who raised Her.

    She married Lord Ram. You see? Her Father who adopted Her gave Her hand in marriage. He was Her Father Parent.

    So that is the Way. You can decide if you want further information from your past, as to birth. But I say your Parents and Family is the King and Queen who raised your GOOD self.

    Om Namah Sivaya

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    Re: Duty to Family

    Namaskar All,

    My apologies for the length of time before my reply. RL has been demanding of my personal time lately, as happens occasionally. Thank you all for your kind, thoughtful and considered responses. You have each given me good things to consider.

    I am never all that good at communicating my thoughts, and less so when I am disturbed by something, so my apologies again. The question has never been about if this makes my Family, who raised me, any less my Family, or my Parents any less my Parents. The answers to the questions pose by Believerji and others have never changed, it was my hope to be clear about that in my first post. Family are the relations and friends who have raised you, sacrificed for you and supported you.

    But Family is also defined as Ancestors, Those Who Came Before. This implies bloodlines, not just traditions. Scripture tells us that in each birth we create debts, one of which is to Ancestors. The long view over incarnations is important and good, but it is also important to follow the path of Dharma in each birth as well. Certainly we grow regardless of the path we follow, but truly some paths meander less than others. The Material must matter to some degree because without it we have no Action, which helps us to grow.

    Certainly I also have duty to all mankind, all life and all creation, and the wise would say that we owe a brother or sister we meet for the first time on the street nothing less than we would give to our Family elders. I am not so wise in this birth that I have the energy or ability to give everything of myself to every being in creation, much as I might like to. So it is a truth for me to say that in this life I give more to my Family, (who I honor as Ancestors), partly out of necessity. And that like many, there have been major turning points in my life guided by the choice of supporting Family or not.

    Yet it is a humbling thought, Manaji, to realize that my question implies that I would give this woman who gave me this birth even less consideration than I would a stranger on the street. And I think that is what this boils down to. The fact that I was so disturbed on a topic I thought I had resolved years ago should have been my first clue, I guess. It's funny how easily we can fool ourselves even when we think we are being fairly self-aware. I am clearly harboring resentment, which I now have the chance to resolve.

    So how does my Duty unfold... In my own case I think the answer is she is a Mother. Beyond the obvious literal definitions, if what makes a Mother is enough love to sacrifice for the child in order to give them their best chance in this birth, regardless of the cost, then by this definition she is also my Mother and deserves to be honored as such. I recognise that every case is different from each other, my answer doesn't necessarily apply to others. But I thought I should share it after posing the question to everyone.

    I should clarify as well, my question was never about if I should contact her. That is an entirely different can of proverbial worms, and you are entirely right, EMji, there is no absolute answer nor can anyone predict the result. This is something I will certainly have to wait for guidance on, as Lord Vignahartha has guided me thus far in my study and growth. However he guides me I know it might not be easy but it will be for the best.

    My heartfelt thanks to you all, again.
    Pranams
    ~~~~~
    What has Learning profited a man, if it has not led him to worship the good feet of Him who is pure knowledge itself?
    They alone dispel the mind's distress, who take refuge at the feet of the incomparable one.
    ~~Tirukural 2, 7

    Anbe Sivamayam, Satyame Parasivam

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