Advice re: Interactions...

[Aanandinii]

Namaste ji,

I am having confusion and anxiety surrounding a person from the community temple I go to and could really use some advice. I am not sure if I am misinterpreting due to my own trust issues or cultural differences, or if I am correct in my worry, and if the latter I don't know what to do that I haven't yet tried.

There is an elderly gentleman who has been quite kind to me and has taken to talking with me after aarti on Mondays. This is nice as most people smile but don't talk to me at all - which I don't mind so much, I am fairly solitary anyway, but it's nice that someone has been so overtly friendly too. He's old enough to be my grandfather, I'm pretty sure, even if I were not married I wouldn't see him as more than a friend or father-figure. But lately his behavior and language has become overly flirtatious, at least in my own estimation, and I am very uncomfortable with this.

He lately asks me if I miss him and tells me he misses me all the time, asks how often I think of him. He's called me several times in the last 24 hours, and wants to meet up for coffee or tea. When I called back, he tried to close the conversation with "I love you".

This is inappropriate behavior, in my opinion. I have tried to be clear about this, but it's not working. I've tried using respectful/formal forms of address, and when he asked me to stop I started calling him bhaiya instead of his name. He accepts that, but then makes a comment asking if he tried to take me home would my husband beat him up. I told him never mind my spouse, I would be the one to worry about.

He wants to meet for coffee tomorrow. I am thinking I will cancel it. I am not comfortable at all. He asked if he could bring the coffee to my house, would my husband be home. I truly don't even want him to know where I live at this point. But I wonder if this might be the perfect chance to lay this out and really draw my boundaries hard.

The thing is, he lives in my home town and is active in the temple I frequent and the one in my home town. So I am feeling a bit cornered too.

Am I misunderstanding the situation? Is there an actual cultural misunderstanding here? Or is he making assumptions about my moral character because I'm a white american who doesn't go to temple with my spouse? Is a little flirtation normal and not to be too worried about? Or is this really going too far, as I feel like it may be? Do I need to tie a rakhi on his wrist to get this to stop or something?

Like I said, I have trust issues anyway - particularly surrounding men. I am having a hard time finding my calm center at the moment and I don't like this dynamic at all.

Thanks so much for any advice/observations.

~Pranam-s

[c.smith]

Hari Om!

Only in my humble opinion, but if someone was close to closing a conversation with "I love you", this would raise a huge red flag, more notably a stop sign and a direct one at that. Seems that you are innocent enough but some people need to be told directly how things stand. Please don't delay in telling Uncle just how uncomfortable and inappropriate some of his actions are, even if well intentioned. You may even need to end the relationship if it is as uncomfortable as is seems to be. Please don't feel discouraged about this.

All the best to you.

Om

[Aanandinii]

Namaste C. Smith,

Thank you. That was my feeling too. But, I have a couple of male friends - friends over decades since childhood and who I count as brothers - and we close conversations with "Love You", but that is understood by both sides to be familial love. So I was unsure. Being fairly nonsocial, I am not always sure if I'm reading others correctly.

I am thinking maybe I should cancel out of coffee tomorrow and talk with him on Monday. Even if it's a public place, I don't feel like it's a good thing to concede to meeting with him outside of Temple at this time...

Thank you again!

~Pranam

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam: Firstly, I'm sorry you have to go through this karma, and it's sad that this fellow is the way he is. He should know better! I totally agree with C. Smith. It's a red flag, and I'd just refuse to talk to him if I were you. There are others who you can talk to. Nobody at all would be better than that.

Best wishes.

Aum Namasivaya

[Aanandinii]

Namaskar EM ji,

Thank you. I feel sad for whatever had brought him to this behavior, too. But for myself, there are several lessons for me here and so it is opportunity to learn and grow.

I know this probably seemed a silly question, I am very grateful for this community where I could check my instincts and ask, and very grateful for your responses. I truly am terrible at social interaction, particularly in person, but I've been trying to learn to improve. I have already taken steps, taking both of your advice. Thank you so much for taking the time to help.

~Pranam-s

[NayaSurya]

eek! I can not imagine how difficult this must be for you. The advice above is way more goodly than anything I could offer you. So I just come to give you a *hug* of support <3

[saswathy]

Dear friend ,
Definitely he is taking advantage of your vulnerable and soft nature . Usually what we feel very strongly comes out correct.When you feel that it is not proper on his part to behave in this fashion you can avoid him by all means . The best thing is to tell him , that you see your father in him .If you just avoid him with out giving any excuse , he would pester you like a leech . Best wishes

[Aanandinii]

Namaste dear sisters,

Thank you so much for your responses and kind support. I definitely need to trust my instincts more in all areas.

I have left him a message - written so that there is a record of it - stating my discomfort and the specific language and behaviors I feel are inappropriate. I did indeed tell him point blank that I think of him as a father figure or uncle and this is all. I reminded him that I am married and that I take such a vow and commitment to my spouse very seriously, and reminded him that he is also married and such behavior is unbecoming. I said that I would value friendship but if he is incapable of appropriate friendship, then I understand. I will follow it up with a phone call, but of course I left my phone with his number at home today - I would say it was by mistake but it was probably subconscious. LOL

Thank you again, and hugs in return. <3

~Pranam-s