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Thread: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

  1. #1
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    Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Namaste Ji,

    I could use some advice from those learned members who have some experience with this sort of thing and who have experience living within a Western culture.

    My company is being acquired by another. We have all received and accepted offers, for this and other reasons I'm relatively secure about my job. However this new company just got a new CTO (Chief Technology Officer) who will be the head of all the development branches of all the different products being made at the different, global branches. Needless to say he is very high up the chain and even my direct report would not be reporting to him.

    That said, he is coming to our office next week to meet us as a team and in one on one interviews with each person in order to get to know us. This is nothing new, several executives from the new company have done this.

    A while back I began wearing the small kumkum bindi I apply at end of morning puja, throughout the day. I've also worn rudraksha for a long time. Neither of these outward expressions of faith have been a problem, neither have caused questions or anything. Still, I have a tendency to see everyone as equal and of expecting the best of people, giving benefit of doubt, until an indication is given that such trust may be misplaced. I'm somewhat naive this way.

    So, what's causing this concern is the that it has been pointed out to me that the new CTO may likely be Muslim, due to his surname. My initial reaction was 'so what'? I have friendly acquaintances who are, who cares? Then it was explained to me that this person is also Indian and this being his first impression of me, it could cause some discrimination. I was told it may be best not to wear kumkum or any other indication of faith for the days he is there next week.

    I'm conflicted and troubled. I don't believe in expecting such bad reactions and discrimination from people I don't know, and yet I understand the truth of the world we live in and that it happens regularly. I feel like to not continue as I have been, as myself, will be both hipocracy on my part and also be discrimination against this person who I don't know simply based on his name, and I don't like that at all. But again, I know the truth of how things often happen... And then the stubborn part of me admonishes myself to show the courage of my conviction and trust Sri Bhagavan...

    And yet the friend who made this observance and recommendation is one I love and trust as family, and who is Indian herself.

    I'm not sure what to do. I love and value my job, and it would be difficult to find another so good, so I'm definitely anxious to present a good impression.

    What would others here do in this situation? I could very much use more input and guidance on the matter.

    ~Pranam
    ~~~~~
    What has Learning profited a man, if it has not led him to worship the good feet of Him who is pure knowledge itself?
    They alone dispel the mind's distress, who take refuge at the feet of the incomparable one.
    ~~Tirukural 2, 7

    Anbe Sivamayam, Satyame Parasivam

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    Re: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Vannakkam Aanandinii: I personally don't believe he would have gotten to where he has gotten if he was concerned about such relatively minor things in a large company. If it's an international company, there would be great variance in clothing style, religion, etc everywhere.

    In India, at least the part where I've traveled, Muslims and Hindus work side by side, in the same stores, etc. and many wear their faiths on their sleeve, without it causing any problem ever. But then, they're all very used to it too.

    However, having said that, if it does concern you, especially to the point of job security, I know I'd 'play the game'.

    Aum Namasivaya

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    Re: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Namaste EMji,
    Quote Originally Posted by Eastern Mind View Post
    Vannakkam Aanandinii: I personally don't believe he would have gotten to where he has gotten if he was concerned about such relatively minor things in a large company. If it's an international company, there would be great variance in clothing style, religion, etc everywhere.

    In India, at least the part where I've traveled, Muslims and Hindus work side by side, in the same stores, etc. and many wear their faiths on their sleeve, without it causing any problem ever. But then, they're all very used to it too.

    However, having said that, if it does concern you, especially to the point of job security, I know I'd 'play the game'.

    Aum Namasivaya
    Thank you for your thoughts. They parallel my own.

    I have a strong feeling that it's important to not change myself in such a way just for this meeting. The more I reflect on it the stronger it grows. Certainly I'm a bit nervous to meet this person, but only because he's the CTO of a company acquiring mine. It wouldn't normally occur to me to not wear this or my rudraksha, simply because of this meeting, any more than it would occur to me to not wear my wedding band or my glasses. I love my friend, and often her advice is sound, but I think her advice is colored here and it threw me a bit. Not the least because I've never been much of one for playing the game.

    ~Pranam
    ~~~~~
    What has Learning profited a man, if it has not led him to worship the good feet of Him who is pure knowledge itself?
    They alone dispel the mind's distress, who take refuge at the feet of the incomparable one.
    ~~Tirukural 2, 7

    Anbe Sivamayam, Satyame Parasivam

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    Re: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Namaste,

    We all tend to draw upon our past experiences and I believe that in many situations your friend's concerns are valid and real. However, the CTO seems to be few layers removed from you and in all likelihood would not and cannot influence your employment with the company. Then there are the HR departments to help the employees with such things should the worst ever happen, even though it gets ugly when things get far enough for the HR folks to get involved. The person having gotten that high up must have learnt to live with and tolerate all kinds of people. With that as the backdrop, I would stay calm, be my cheery and alive self during the one-on-one and continue with the outward practices as before.

    Pranam.

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    Re: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Dear friend,
    Any person who has reached that position would never bother about such small personal things . As far as you are concerned you can go with your faith and conviction

  6. #6

    Re: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Quote Originally Posted by Aanandinii View Post
    Namaste Ji,
    I'm not sure what to do. I love and value my job, and it would be difficult to find another so good, so I'm definitely anxious to present a good impression.

    What would others here do in this situation? I could very much use more input and guidance on the matter.
    ~Pranam
    Namaste Aanandinii,

    Rest assured, if he is not a member of IS you should be good (joking). There is really no danger if you are not trespassing any company rules. It is a pity your friend gave you this unfounded negative projection. Don't let it become a barrier. Fully expect a pleasant meeting instead and start off with that frame of mind. That is very important as you can not really recover from a bad start. It will always be interpreted by the person as personal rejection (religion does not even come into mind).

    If it really was a known problem with this person (he would have to be a complete fool, doing that in a non-Muslim environment), I would simply choose to adapt dressing. It is nonsensical to do otherwise from a false sense of identity. If identity depends on outward things it is rather superficial. Identity is about knowing who you are and feeling comfortable in it. And thus one may feel very comfortable in showing ones identity. But when it needs to be compulsively shown, it is uncertainty (asking confirmation), or aggression, and thus reaction. People react unconsciously different to those. People that are confident in their identity get far better response, because people admire, even envy(!) that. Uncertain people easily invite rejection. Aggressive people meet aggression or avoidance.

    If there is an issue it likely lays somewhere else. As you are well aware women measure each other up to the nanometer and have very small tolerance about what they find appropriate for other women as to anything that attracts (male) attention. [1] Maybe your friend wants to subtly protect you from other women jealousy (they will all be parading for him) [2] she simply is a bit of jealous. [3] she never liked the look anyway and thought this is a chance to say something about it. It is so common for women to make each other uncertain with these kind of remarks. The most likely in order is [2], [3], [1], it means little and I would not bother about it.

    I would rather concentrate on what the other colleagues are going to wear (different than usual?) and even more how to make a good impression and what impression you want to leave and how. After all if important people want to meet you, that is a chance to get noticed, and such chances are like little monkeys you can only grab when they come along. Focus on that.

    Good luck :-)
    Last edited by Avyaydya; 17 April 2015 at 10:09 PM.

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    Re: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Namaste Anandini,

    Wear and dress what makes you feel comfortable in such a formal meeting. It is better not to wear such attire which draws unnecessary attention to your attire than your personality i.e. you should not look awkward. Wearing Bindi or even Rudrakahs Maalaa should not be a problem if he is working for an international company and it can be safely assumed that he must have come across many Hindu women in his career. After all, he didn't reach such a high ladder in company's hierarchy in a day ! ... and your organisation is certainly not a Muslim organisation, I suppose.

    I have worked closely with Muslims ( I have worked in Kabul) and I have found that majority of people respect your faith. Yes, you will always find some weird man coming to you and offering you to become a Muslim or with question as to how you can worship an idol which has been made by you yourself ! But mostly people who reach at the top are broad-minded and they don't mix religion with business at hand.

    So, you need to just relax. It is of little importance what that person thinks of your attire ... it is most important how natural your feel and behave in your attire. If your attention and your focus is on your attire most of the time ... better change your attire so that you forget what you are wearing and concentrate better on what is going around you and you are able to contribute your best in that situation.

    OM
    "Om Namo Bhagvate Vaasudevaye"

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    Re: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Namaskar Ji,

    Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm much reassured, the anxiety brought by my friend's observance gone.
    Quote Originally Posted by Avyaydya View Post
    If identity depends on outward things it is rather superficial. Identity is about knowing who you are and feeling comfortable in it. And thus one may feel very comfortable in showing ones identity. But when it needs to be compulsively shown, it is asking confirmation, and thus reaction. People react unconsciously different to those two. People that are confident in their identity get far better response, because people admire, even envy(!) that. Uncertain people invite rejection.
    This is an interesting thought, Avyaydya, thank you. I don't really consider how I look to other people aside from making sure I'm dressed appropriately for a given situation - you know, business casual for work, formal dress for more formal occasions, etc. To me the bindi isn't a matter of identity any more than my glasses or wedding band are, they are aides. I pay very little attention to what others think and honestly really couldn't care less. I'm not terribly vain and don't play into games of social jealousy, competition and drama, it's always been pretty boring and shallow to me. The culture of my workplace is blessedly free of much of that anyway, we're all nerds and geeks alike. Several people keep icons from their own belief systems at their desks and wear various things throughout the year. I'm one of only 5 women in our immediate workspace, and scientists and developers tend to be less competitive in this way in general. Our biggest internal competitions are non-gender specific and revolve around team badminton games, card games at lunch and who can get the most people to volunteer for a cause of their own choice in a given year.

    Back on topic though, my friend who I've been speaking of doesn't work with me, not even really in the same sector. She does think it's silly I wear the bindi, the rudraksha mala too, and she's told me as much quite freely. She knows she's quite welcome to. I don't take it negatively nor does she mean it that way, and I don't really care what she thinks, and she knows that too. She's not a person who enjoys drama and social back-biting either, so this is why when she said such a thing it surprised the heck out of me. I'm pretty socially awkward, I don't pay a whole lot of attention to social intricacies, and because of my background and upbringing it honestly would never occur to me that such a thing could present a problem, but I have seen and heard of a few shocking things in my time so when she said that I couldn't discount it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Believer View Post
    We all tend to draw upon our past experiences and I believe that in many situations your friend's concerns are valid and real. However, the CTO seems to be few layers removed from you and in all likelihood would not and cannot influence your employment with the company.
    Believerji, I believe you are correct here. I think she must have had some bad experiences that have informed her opinion. It didn't occur to me to ask why she thought this at the time, next time I see her I will. It's true he is too high up to influence my employment status, it's a line of logic I've followed while thinking on this over the last few days.
    Quote Originally Posted by saswathy View Post
    Any person who has reached that position would never bother about such small personal things
    Thank you Saswathyji. Usually this is true, yes, though I have directly seen one case where it was not. But that doesn't apply to my own situation, and this is another good point of logic I had followed while trying to sort this out on my own. It's very reassuring to hear these same points from others though.
    Quote Originally Posted by devotee View Post
    Wearing Bindi or even Rudrakahs Maalaa should not be a problem if he is working for an international company and it can be safely assumed that he must have come across many Hindu women in his career. After all, he didn't reach such a high ladder in company's hierarchy in a day !
    Thank you, Devoteeji, true enough. And yes, it is not only an international company, they have a branch in India as well.
    I have worked closely with Muslims ( I have worked in Kabul) and I have found that majority of people respect your faith.
    I have as well, and I agree. Every person I've worked with and developed professional friendships with have been warm-hearted and kind people, more respectful and tolerant than many others in this country. I'm not sure why I was so easily set on edge then. I'll have to reflect on that.
    Yes, you will always find some weird man coming to you and offering you to become a Muslim or with question as to how you can worship an idol which has been made by you yourself ! But mostly people who reach at the top are broad-minded and they don't mix religion with business at hand.
    I have never been approached in any such a way by a Muslim, but certainly by others, some of whom have been flat out atheists. That might be telling of something or other.

    Great thanks to you all. I'm generally pretty good at being comfortable in myself and not worrying about it. But it's very good to have a touchstone like this forum on those occasions something unexpected comes along to shake things up a little. I appreciate it deeply.

    ~Pranam
    ~~~~~
    What has Learning profited a man, if it has not led him to worship the good feet of Him who is pure knowledge itself?
    They alone dispel the mind's distress, who take refuge at the feet of the incomparable one.
    ~~Tirukural 2, 7

    Anbe Sivamayam, Satyame Parasivam

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    Re: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Namaste,

    And one more thing, if the bindi and the rudraksha do come into the conversation, one way to deflect would be to express with a smile your love for India and all things Indian and your desire to adopt some of the ways and about your trips to and friends in India, instead of using the word Hindu. That should defuse the situation and turn it into a friendly exchange. Corporate America, as I have come to know of it over the decades, is a completely different beast than situations in India or elsewhere.

    About asking your friend as to why she had the type of advice she did, I would not put her on the spot. It is what it is. Just let it go.

    Pranam.

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    Re: Advice for Upcoming Meeting...

    Namaste
    Everyone has given you great advice but I wanted to add and ask why judge a man based on his name and hearsay? Give him a chance to act.

    Wear as you normally do. Judge him on his actions later if you must. Most Regural Muslims especially in IT are liberal.
    satay

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