"I will myself"

Somehow I missed this small quote in your post.

You have chosen the best part of my post! It is challenging for me to answer, partly because I try these things without study or direction, relying upon an inner experience I assume comes from a past life. Writing about it is very revealing. I am trying on some ideas.

When I say that I will myself...

"I" is my consciousness. It is what I experience in meditation. I can focus my consciousness. This consciousness includes my mind, but "good" meditation means leaving all but this point of consciousness behind on a journey I experience as "inner."

"Myself" is my subtle, steadied mind. I can will a steadied mind, "myself," as a subtle mind completely apart from the world of the senses and the magic of maya. The mind is my tool. I use it to create a little path for myself.

I focus my consciousness on a center point inside, (the center point where a solid state of equipoise is). My mind becomes very steady. I can use my mind then to "create" a state, an inner picture made of consciousness, the experience of consciousness at work. It is inside, but it is real to me.

It is interesting to realize that I am stepping backwards. This helps me to not define or contain what I am becoming. It is a point of consciousness.

So. My dharana is to first create a dualism in my mind. I am not all of this, including the part I think of as me. I create a place to step where I am not identifying with anything except as a point of consciousness. I am identifying as not this. Neti.

But then I want to become absorbed in Shiva, to leave multiplicity, to identify as One with no other.

I will my mind to "imagine" there is another step behind me. When I slip into this place, I am one with Shiva. I recognize Shiva as myself. My consciousness is made from His consciousness. I "remember" there is only One. You! Me! Ha ha!!

I smile as I have been on a long journey, but only stopped by for a snack. I want to live here. I have turned on the road that leads only to return to Shiva. I looked behind once. Yes, I am going through with it.