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Thread: Hope to be a Positive Contribution :)

  1. #1
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    Talking Hope to be a Positive Contribution :)

    Namaste,
    My prior mental states springing forth the habit of intense inner contemplation, meditation, and interest in gathering philosophical knowledge have brought me here to find like-minded individuals and be a positive contribution to the dharma forum community. My philosophy background is of long duration involving various Mahayana Buddhist Schools, Advaita Vedanta, Kashmir Shaivism, Loving-Kindness Meditation, Bhakti Yoga, and Taoism. As with many people, it has been my struggles in life that served as a blessing for these intellectual pursuits as well as the delight I take in abstract contemplation.

    It is my hope that describing my transitions in meditation will help give you a better understanding of what progress and states of mind I am coming from.

    I know there a many different meditation styles that people have various levels of experience in. I have humbly practiced meditation for approximately the last three years of my life. I used to heavily indulge in loving-kindness meditation (when I say heavily, I mean anywhere from 1-3 hours a day) as it was a means of bringing my mind out of negative ruminations and emotions, and sometimes I feel I got carried away as I thought, of what use does ecstatic delight and from an outsider's point of view, a ridiculous emotional state of love and peace for others do for me in society. I questioned myself and felt concerned it would simply turn me into a heavily emotional person that would go into either romantic, loving, or compassionate deep emotions at the drop of a hat in daily life. Therefore I stopped doing Loving-Kindness Meditation as it did feel odd, I imagine even the emotional state of a highly religious person in Bhakti Yoga would experience.

    Therefore I gradually transitioned to intense concentration on the sensation of breath flowing into and out of my nostrils. I grasped onto fleeting experiences where due to all my senses including my mind being deprived of ordinary flow of the external and internal, sensed a feeling of spaciousness and only vague peripheral awareness of my legs seated on the ground. Due to grasping I felt disappointed I could not intensify this formless feeling. Aside from that, I asked myself of what use it would be.

    Next thing is that I transitioned to meditating on my sense of self following Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj's instructions but felt both doubt and concern. I would close my eyes and focus on my sense of a subjective experiencer, trying my best to not rely on my body or any mental image but instead the (and this feels difficult considering how vague our core is when it implies only the subtle feeling of subjectivity) sense of "I exist as an individual experiencing life subjectively". Perhaps I didn't meditate long enough on the sense of self or had trouble making the vague (when stripped away from body, emotions, etc) sense of self be an object of meditation long enough to cause it to in theory collapse into a universal non-dual consciousness. What did happen once in a while was a brief (5-10 minute) mental rumination about how all my life's struggles, and anything I took seriously was no big deal as I got occasionally concentration on the sense of self and recognized that the self was what resulted in my entire life drama. I didn't actually feel it disappear. In fact, I also stopped as I got concerned that if I did get my sense of self to collapse, it would be a joyless, depersonalized life where although I might be dissociated from myself as to not suffer, I couldn't feel joy or function normally. In fact the west might consider it depersonalization disorder which many people in the west find highly discomforting and not a source of joy, peace.

    Again, I switched to this time having open awareness where I would let sensations come and go. I stopped this practice as I felt restlessly bored in the sense that even if I persevered, I thought, an effortless habit of open mindfulness doesn't make one blissful. Besides, confusion arose when "Neo-Advaita" gurus failed to explain why they switched between the ego corrosion practice versus "remain as awareness, practice". Would open awareness include the sense of self as the problem is I felt I would have to bring the sense of self using my attention to my mind as usually the sense of self is not a obvious conscious object appearing in our mind to then hold open awareness of, which if we did hold open awareness of, would slip away again thus defeating the purpose. Or did the "Neo-Advaita" guru simply not elaborate that by remaining as open awareness, you lose your ego, it's just another way? (I felt this was an inaccurate theory though as who is it that is practicing open awareness or got open awareness habitually ingrained?)

    Lastly I practiced some Tibetan Buddhist exercises where I internally built up the attitude as if I was as militant as a soldier of my mind to remain intensively, powerfully, and vigilantly, aware that when I do an activity that brings joy to me, I don't lose focus and narrow my attention on the activity and instead get a meta-emotion so to speak where the joy I would be receiving by contacting my object of desire was valuable in that it would be used to remind myself that an even greater bliss awaits future karmic ripening as I not only incorporate that transitory joy into recognizance that it's my mind itself producing it, but also am getting mental "toughness" as I maintain my intellect, higher purpose during the highly hypnotizing experience of contact with desirable objects. See since pleasure is something we latch onto, it's even tougher to be mindful and hold that inner attitude, versus suffering we naturally want to get away from. I also followed an instruction to arouse great desire in myself for say something that brings me pleasure and then get a feeling of insight off of that desire by realizing I'm waking up to our cycles of desire dragging us again and again on seeking the external for joy and we must transmute that desire to internally fulfill ourselves so we no longer rely on the outside for our joy.


    Lastly
    I want to apologize if it seemed as if I was getting into a meditation thread. I simply thought that part of what makes me who I am are my histories in meditation in case there was any confusion. As a humble person I am open to learning, deeply dive into deep philosophical points of view, and even with differences it is my hope that you know me as a genuinely friendly and loving individual.

    Thank you

  2. #2
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    Re: Hope to be a Positive Contribution :)

    Namaste,

    Welcome to the forum.

    Pranam.

  3. #3
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    Re: Hope to be a Positive Contribution :)

    Hari Om and namaste IntenseEffort,

    Welcome to forum and thank you for introduction. Am sure as you peruse the multitude of threads and resources found herein HDF, you will find satisfaction in the plethora of deep philosophical points of view that are presented for contemplation and discussion.

    Om

    FFTW

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