Hey guys. I've recently been through a sort of spiritual journey of sorts (VERY intense, VERY painful on all levels, but EXTREMELY rewarding) and I'm looking for someone knowledgeable that can help guide me, and can help me decipher the imagery and metaphors I've seen over the last few weeks. It's a long story, it really is, so I wont bother posting it here, just private message me if you're interested in helping someone out xx

Basically, I'm the type of person that has literally spent his entire life researching religion, spirituality, systems of beliefs, and loves knowledge just for the sake of having knowledge, including non religious history. I've said to many Gods, the only thing I want is wisdom and knowledge. And I am prepared to renounce everything of my old life formally, as I have already done it personally. During these three weeks, I died so many times in so many different ways, and came back stronger, I am not that man anymore. I would suffer for a million years, the worst pain imaginable, if it meant I'd be able to just, know.

Among all the things that can happen, I know that I am specifically drawn to Shiva, and will strive for Sannyasa as a
I'm an 18 year old guy, and I know people always like to respond to posts like these with so much discouragement and "that was probably nothing" without thinking about it, or even going to judge. I'm 18 but I have a business, I have the ability to succeed. I could be rich monetarily because I have the ability, but I refuse it. I seek things that aren't short term and one sided.

I've always been very smart, and I'm kind of a philosopher in ways, in that this is all that I seek as I've said earlier. I try my best to see beyond the surface. I pay attention to little things, whispers of more to come. I believe that some force, literally forced me into expanding my consciousness. For a month, I meditated. And for a month, I suffered. My mind was destroyed, my heart was destroyed, my feelings, destroyed. Everything. My memory, my ability eventually even to talk. I became one with myself, but also one with everything, and also nothing. And I started to see dualism throughout the journey. There can be no peace without suffering, there can be no life without death. But I also realized certain scenarios have a middle path (my version of it isn't exactly what Buddha came up with), the point between chaos and harmony. The point of understanding and tranquility. Being able to feel all of it. The death, the suffering, but also the peace, and the happiness. You become detached, but then you learn in able to be detached, you had to be attached. And then you think, what do I do? Chaos, Harmony, or Neutrality? And you can say this about any situation.

Over this spiritual journey, I believe Shiva destroyed my mind many times, in order to rebuild from the rubble greater. In fact, I had begged for it. This was an intense journey, but it is what I needed. I came to peace with the world on such a level through meditating for almost every moment I was awake for this time, that it almost became painful. Has anyone had an experience like this?
You almost become so detached you're like a robot. But then it starts hurting. Life seems pointless and dull and dry. I thought I had no goals, no ambitions, no purpose. But then I realized, the one thing I had. My knowledge, and my passion, which could destroy any obstacle, no matter how divine. And, that marked the end of my journey. I realized, I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to show people, the truth, but not only that, help people to live a fulfilling life.

Shiva, oh Shiva. So fierce but gentle. Like water slowly wearing at a stone.
Shiva has been the #1 figure of this journey to say the very least

Honestly, my ultimate goal is to become an enlightened Shaivite and to help spread knowledge in any way I can. Maybe start a library, and keep it open to the public, with shrines for the deities as well. I'm going to study for a long time, and then once I feel comfortable with my level of knowledge, strive for Sannyasa and leave all behind.

Also, one actual question I have that I feel is super important to me. Moksha is said to be the release, but what if I become enlightened during this life, and wish to reincarnate so I can continue to teach, continue to learn. My soul yearns to be part of something greater, but at the same time, I know I can never forget the little times (best way to describe it lol).

Is there a way that an enlightened person can choose to reincarnate not for the purpose of burning chakra and going through the cycles, but just for the sake of teaching and serving truth itself? It would honestly be pretty harsh on me if I reached enlightenment and then didn't have the ability to actually come back in a physical form to help people.


PS

No, I'm not full of myself at all. This post is not meant to brag about my experiences, or to make you think I'm divine in some way (then again, you never know with this world, I could be the next Gandhi for all we know lol) it's supposed to be a tool to help me unlock the meaning to those experiences and help take the next steps to further the cycle of destroying and rebuilding my mind and achieving the peace I desire

And yes, I realize I'm not special, and that this sort of thing happens, so please, just calm down if you're reading this and are feeling a little bit steamy because you think I'm trying to suggest something lol