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    Need help for a fresh start

    Namaste,
    I've begun to feel like I have no idea what I am even doing or why I even call myself a Hindu but maybe I should start this off with a little introduction.

    I was born in a Christian family and until I was the age of 15 considered Christ as God and accepted the bible as the only means I had of any salvation. At that time I was basically a kid still with no real idea about anything I just only knew that if I had any problem I should pray. But after I turned 15 my father tragically died and the loss devastated me. I prayed and prayed for some understanding of what had happened to my father and myself and why, so I was in a dark depression and cried most of the time but still praying and asking WHY. So eventually I saw a movie about Buddhism and I had never seen something quite like it. It was with Keanu Reeves and he played the part of the Buddha. The movie really touched me and the questions I'd begun asking after losing my father were shed light on. The movie talked about reincarnation, karma, meditation, all aspects of eastern spirituality but from a Buddhist perspective of course, Hinduism wasn't until later on after I matured a little. So then after seeing this movie I quickly learned about Buddhism and desperately searched for answers, it was a critical turning point in my life. After a while I'd learned the 4 noble truths and I began to practice Buddhism. I learned meditation for the first time, I practiced Vipassana and Metta. For years I simply practiced and read sutras and I had some quite eye opening experiences. All this was done on my own and I kept it a secret for quite some time, it was years. After some years of study and meditation I had a samadhi experience. It happened to me twice and I felt a tremendous sense of accomplishment, it was quite a reward but neither time did it truly last. Each time it came and went after several days so then I knew without a doubt that meditation was a real practice and anyone could do it.

    After a while though I wondered about God again and I began to feel like there was something left unfulfilled, like Buddhism just wasn't doing it for me. I kept trying to reach samadhi again and I couldn't, things felt more difficult and I prayed some more. Eventually I began to wonder about Hinduism, finally it had dawned on me that there was more to learn and the possibility of a deeper more fulfilling spiritual practice had come into view. The idea of practicing meditation with a light on God was possible. I met more and more people who were into yoga and a few people who even talked about Hinduism. I met a devotee of Lord Shiva, very inspiring gentlemen and my desire to learn about Hinduism started. I just felt like Buddhism had given me a foundation of meditation, I knew there was a degree of commitment and determination involved in gaining anything out of spiritual practice but Buddhism left me feeling a bit empty. As quickly as it had taken away the sorrow I had after my dad dying and given me a couple short samadhis it had just as quickly left me feeling bare and kind of worthless. So I was very enthusiastic about learning Hinduism. I felt like it could save me, give me back my worth but yet still offering the gift of meditation, the samadhi.

    So I began to read Hindu books without even looking back I just kept meditating but I relied on God more as I learned about Hindu Dharma. I've talked to so many people at this point, all saying of the glories of Hinduism and yoga. I've read into many books and prayed and some prayers have been answered, I've learned so much but still I feel a sense of no direction. No one has yet laid out a clear path. All the books say different things and all the ones I talked to are so diverse, one of them is a devotee of Lord Shiva, one of them is a a devotee of Lord Krishna. Some say bhakti is the best path and still some of them say other things. There are so many writers and teachers offering information I feel information overload. All this stuff I have read and I don't know what to do.

    So I'm asking for help. How do I be a devotee of Lord Shiva and simply excel at learning and growing as a Hindu. I don't even know what I'm asking and I feel like such an idiot. I've read all this stuff and I feel so out of touch with the basic essential truth of Hinduism. I've totally missed the point and I just don't know what to do. There must be I'm doing wrong. I hope someone can make sense of all this and somehow relate. It feels like I'm retarded like I'm honestly having it hard and it's depressing. None of my Hindu friends are gurus and I hate bugging people with all my questions so I've hardly asked any. All my goals seem so out of reach. Please someone help me at least begin to understand what it means to really be a Hindu. This forum has all kinds of very enlightened and intelligent people. I'm looking for someone to help me build a foundation of relevance on my path. Please help I am totally lost I do not know even where to start. I must seem so dumb but there has to be some God lovers out there willing to help. If you have read this I thank you for your patience and your time, if you feel like I have wasted your time I'm so sorry please forgive me. I've just been at this for a while and still feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

    HELP PLEASE
    Last edited by satay; 20 September 2017 at 12:30 PM.

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