I need help to my questions as to why do i feel the need to listen to Shiva mantras

[iaminsignificant]

Hi and hello all, (Edited: added greeting, also i would like to sincerely apologize for not having done that in the first place)

I need help to my questions as to why do i feel the need to listen to Shiva mantras, if i am also wrong, unintentionally insulting or otherwise something negative is perceived, id like to apologize in advance, here is my story, as a child , more like a baby, i was baptized, roman catholic, or something like that, not sure tbh, my parents are more or less christians or some sort of version of those believers, you would think i would be familiar with it, but im not, since i was never interested in religion or in anything like that and have pretty early in my childhood dismissed the idea of "God" especially that form of christianity it was around the age of 6, it just didnt make sense to me, and still doesnt, as a child my parents brought me a few times to a church i dont recall the reasons well but it was some sort of holiday, never mind that, the thing is everytime when i entered a church (christian) i felt very strange and confused and had some sort of feeling of fear upon me, it hapend also later in my life even when i went on excursions with the school, even being near one makes me feel just wiered.
that said, i have been to several budha, shinto, and some other asian tempels, again forgive me if im using the wrong terms im really not religious and have no idea how to describes those things correctly, altough being at those places did not have any feeling or effect on me, not like the places of churches. now my whole reasoning why i was eager to get here is because i seek help.

Recently i have some unexplainable pull towards Shiva, i am not even sure how to explain it, i know it sounds strange, also maybe it is not strange but a common thing i really dont know, well i started about 3-4 weaks ago to check things about the human brain and things like about the councious mind and did read several things regarding the "God helmet" and other things regarding frequencies and sounds and also did read things regarding quantum physics and serveral things regarding our reality by Donald Hoffman, somehow going trough the youtube videos i came across one where he was together talking with Sadhguru "Jaggi Vasudev" regarding this subject. and one thing led to another and somehow i started to watch his videos and after that i decided to look into Shiva
and since that moment something has happened to me that i can not explain or maybe somebody knows what is happening to me i really dont know, i keep listening now very frequently to "mantras" about Shiva or dedicated to Shiva i am not sure if im explaining this correct or saying it correct, excuse me if thats the case, but anyway i feel the need to keep listening to those "Om Namah Shivaya" videos that exist on youtube and i recite/repeat/say along those silently or completly in my mind while i listen to that, and while im doing this tears begin to fall, the thing is i am not thinking about anything in those moments but only say the words, and i am getting very emotional and can not even explain which sort of feeling it is, i do not know if it is sorrow, happiness, or sadness, but i am sure that it is definitely not anger. Please help me i do not know what to do. i might need guidance or im not even sure what i need. i do not speak either Indian nor Sanskrit neither i can read it but i somehow feel the words when they are said but i dont know whats going on.

Thank you everybody for the reply's if any.