Namaste,

I was wondering if any of you had a confusion regarding the specific path you follow? Again some feelings of confusion are rising within me. I thought I was ok with some things recently but seems like they are still bothering me.
I'll try to be as concrete as possible, I'm asking for advice or your own experience because spiritual confusion brings unpeaceful heart.

For the most of my life advaita philosophy was how I used to see things. At the same time I had a personal relationship with God.
When I was 12 I was attracted to vaishnava bhajan and in some mysterious ways there was Krishna who was slowly, in different ways coming into my life- through the book by David Frasure, through art by artist Ananda and while going through some inner purification and tough period in my life I came across devotees and by time found a guru who saw me as I am and initiated me in Krishna mantra. That was no Iskcon, but is also a gaudiya vaishnava tradition.
His words and presence were feeding me spiritually and I felt that was it (I'm writing in past tense because unfortunately last time I saw him was last year, he's Indian and with the current situation he can't be here although he was supposed to visit next week.) I heard him speak about spirituality the way I feel it, unlike any other vaishnava guru I saw, and I saw many of them- both from India and European Iskcon, coming from gaudiya math, babaji lineage etc.

Mantra is in my heart and I've always been connected to it, but I have great conflict towards gaudiya vaishnava philosophy. I can't relate to it. Except for mantras I can't relate to the tradition, the way the teachings are explained, the whole bhakti language where we are servants, humble, unworthy, the stories about gopis, cowherd boys, the whole concept. It's just not my mood.
When I think of God, I think of the Absolute, I think of the Whole Manifestation, All-pervading Power. I can't relate to God who steals butter or who plays with friends. I don't know if others can, but it seems to be that most of devotees are very happy listening to hari-kathas and being surrounded with other devotees.

On the other hand I enjyoy reading advaita Vedanta teachings, I feel fulfilled and calm while reading Tattvabhodah or Upanishads, chanting also Lord Shiva's name whom I can't consider a demi-god like in gaudiya Vaishnavism, but I see him as another aspect of the Supreme Reality. I read a lot of Advaita swamis and I feel it is giving me answers and inner peace. I yearn for yogic practices, Veda studies and I also heard from devotees sentences like:"Why do you want to read Vedas, vaishnavas don't do that", "that's mayavada" etc. Same people who were telling that seemed to be out of space in this or that way, whereas people who learn Advaita seemed to be pretty much rooted in life, in both material and spiritual way, stable and happy, and never in a preaching mood (which is also something I can't relate to).

I spoke with a friend of mine who is a born hindu, Advaita practicioner who doesn't see conflict in teachings of Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and Advaita. But I feel much closer to the way Advaita is presented, to jnana combined with bhakti than bhakti path alone. I'm either not on that level or it's just not something for me. I am not difining myself as vaishnavi or anything, if asked I say that I practice Sanatana dharma (at least in some ways). Before I used to read Srila Prabhupada's books, but in last year or so I get irritated when I tried so I just stopped. Some other books like Chaitanya Caritamrita I haven't even tried because it was something far from me, call it my level, my mood, my spiritual plane.

This all is making some kind of mess within me. I'm not relating to devotees much except for a family who's also directly in the same tradition, but they also are missing some aspects of yoga in bhakti yoga here in our city. They are combining their practice with Chinese tradition because they also think western bhakti yoga lacks yoga.
Maybe it's the west, maybe it's because we cannot feel that bhakti as we were never born in that tradition, maybe it's something else.. I don't know, but my mind likes to analyze too much and I feel I'm again in the middle of confusion. I can also relate to Lord Shiva, Lord Ganesha, I'm learning with Advaita school Sanskrit and that is making me happy. I found too much "do's" and "dont's" in gaudiya tradition, too much preaching, too much organized religion stuff which I don't like and too much judging everything else, even rejecting the word Hinduism. That also brought much impact on how I feel, I believe.

Anyways, I wanted to share this because I don't know whom to talk to. I don't want more preachers nor new agers giving me advice. I tried to get some answers before in meditation, but didn't really get them.

If somebody has a similar experience or has gone through some kind of inner confusion like this, please share.