New here & to hinduism. Need guidence.
hello, my name is nichole. my story is fairly long, but i promise to keep it entertaining
my whole life i've categorized myself as an atheist or agnostic. described myself as spiritual but not religious. i as any other american have had christianity shoved down my throat since birth. little known fact about me: i was born a jehovah's witness. going to church every sunday and thursday and bible study tuesday. knocking on doors on saturday. i remember at 6 laying in my bed at night angry at the world and realizing that there was no god. [i had a VERY abusive environment] ever since then i had no religion. i've read the bible cover to cover. i know more about chrisianity than any christian i've met. and i made it a point to be able to argue intelligently when they try to 'prove' to me that their god is real. history disproves christianity. you just need to look for it. relgions became almost a hobby for me. i've studied judiasm, scientology, and mormonism. i know the jist of almost every western religion. i always thought that the very idea of heaven and hell was just asinine and impossible. reincarnation always seemed to make more sense the more i thought about it.
i always believed in science. what could be proven, what i could see and touch. i believed in evolution, and the big bang, and the laws of nature. what goes up must come down, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. i was in awe of the perfect balance it had. the simple, even, emotionless, constant movement of time. the way the planets moved in a perfect circle every moment of its existence around the same sun. how this movement affected our own planet. every piece of it. how the insects balance out the plants that balance out the animals that balance us out. its beautiful in the way that it has every single base covered.
about 19 years old is when i was in the thick of completely sorting out and cleaning up my head. i was done with the outward craziness but inside things were still chaotic. i began a new way of life. a life of inward thinking. constant contemplation. when a feeling would start welling up inside of me i would think 'why am i feeling this way?, what lead to it? what will it do if i allow myself to feel it?'. i forced myself to look at the consequences of my actions so that i may avoid more negativity. the more i did it, the better my life got. the healthier i felt and the clearer my head got. i can remember one night in particular when i was thinking about my dad. trying to solve the biggest puzzle in my life : how could one man hate his own daughter THAT much? i know who i am. i know that i am a genuinely good person. i know that there is nothing inside of me that could make a normal person have that much black hatred for me. and i began thinking about what about HIM that made him that way. and just then i saw all the connections between everything. i saw the connections from his childhood that lead to his young adult years that lead to having me that lead to his adulthood and my childhood. i saw how it connected to me and all of my life experiences. i saw how my experiences lead up to the life that i was currently living. i could actually 'see' the energies of the universe being released from one being or action or thought and going out into the universe to affect something or someone else.
for the first time in my life i felt as though i had my own 'higher power'. i was filled with a sense of peace and love and comfort like i have never felt in my life. i loved my newfound mentality of the world. i had a purpose. everything did. it allowed me to have the precious gift needed for mental health : acceptance. i could accept all of the horrible moments that i had to endure. i could accept the terror and the sadness and everything else that weighed me down. my life was darkness. and nothing is able to grow in the darkness. nothing good and pure anyway.. mold, not flowers. i say that my life didnt begin until i was 17 for two reasons. because thats when i finally escaped my dads house and its when my son was born. until i was 12, my dad beat me on average 3 days a week. but even more than that, he mindfcked me 24 hours a day. i was so out of control, so emotionally stunted that i actually threw a 2 hour full blown temper tantrum almost every single night... until i was 13. yeah. seriously. he would flip from horribly black to sickly sweet. i was fat, stupid, worthless, annoying, a drain on his life, a burden, ungrateful, and no man could or would ever love me. when i would bring the abuse up, i was delusional. didnt know what i was talking about. crazy. in need of mental help. and then on the rare moments of 'sweetness' i would get "nichole, i love you so much. you are my first born so you always have a special place in my heart, (cue tears in eyes) no one could ever take that away from you. you're my baby and i've always wanted the best for you. i gave EVERYTHING to you. your fat mom couldnt even do [insert random event] for you. but i did. because i love you, because i'm your father and that's what i'm supposed to do. i wish my father would have done half the things i've done for you or half the things i've given to you. my dessert was katchup bread. and still you treat me like garbage. when the rest of the family says bad things about you, i ALWAYS stick up for you. because you're my daughter. but when they talk bad about me, you're right there with them. it hurts my heart nichole." and so on and so forth. every suicide attempt was because of him. i would wish that he would die in a car crash on the way to work... at 7. when i went to school, i was socially retarded. i didnt know how to connect with people. i thought everyone was supposed to hate me. i didnt think i was worth talking to. i carried it with me my entire life. but once i was able to leave him. to remove him and his cancerous energy from my life, i was able to start growing. i was able to become a PERSON and not a shadow. and with emery i was able to know what love actually was. pure love that wants nothing in return but more love. the barren land of my soul had the black mold cleared out. replaced with the start of something beautiful. i had light in my life for the first time.
now i am exactly who i've always wanted to be. i'm a good, kind, trustworthy person who has the most loving family in the world. i think before i act [still not when i speak.. progress is slow] and for the most part, my life is good. i'm able to enjoy myself even under the worst conditions. i'm able to look at ALL of me and love myself. even the parts that i hate. because its a part of me, and only with love can change occur. i started this new existential life, this state of constant contemplation. looking at every situation like a math problem figuring out what caused it and what will happen next. i can read people like no one else i know. every eye twitch, hand or mouth movement, tone and reflection of voice.. i know exactly how they feel about everything. i can tell a lie from the truth. i have an awareness of the world that few my age have. i was taught lessons by the universe the hard way, the way that REALLY nails it into your brain. i am wise beyond just one lifetime. and once i was able to take focus off myself, i was able to apply my constant contemplation to this new spirituality i had found.
my beliefs in reincarnation and the energies and balance of the universe was the jumping off point. from there i was able to realize the answers to all of the great WHYS in the world. why do children get beat and killed? because in their past life they beat and killed someone more helpless than themselves. why do bad things happen to good people? the bad needs to balance out the good. there are some lessons and realizations that are necessary for that persons personal growth that can only be taught through grief and loss and pain. i started to think about death. i've been dead twice in this life. both times i went to a blackness that wrapped itself around my soul, bringing a feeling of total peace and comfort that took away every ounce of pain i ever felt. i was suspended in nothingness and it was beautiful. i thought about how this tied into reincarnation. i realized that there has to be a midway point between death and life. a sort of 'incubative' state where all the pain and memories from one life is stripped away so that you may move to the next carrying with you only the energies that rule the universe. i believed that i alone am my own god. that i create the life i have. i make the decisions that effect myself and my life. i am in control and no one other. i cannot control what happens to me in the universe, but i can control what i do about it after it happens.what my reaction is. i believed that every thought, word, and action i made is what created the energies that ruled my world. the complete foundation of my 'own' religion, my own set of spiritual beliefs were laid.
and then last night after watching slumdog millionaire with my husband he asked me about the names of the hindu gods. i never read much into this religion so i went to the best website ever created WIKIPEDIA and looked it up. it would be a decision that would alter my life forever. the more i read, the more goosebumps i got. waves and waves of realization hit me harder and harder over and over again. i just stared at the screen in complete and utter disbelief. right there. right there in front of me was everything i believed in. everything i thought was my own beliefs. i was reading my own brain written by another hand. i'll show you what i mean.
*note, the following is copied and pasted from wikipedia. not just from the hindu page, but also from related pages.
A key distinctive feature of Sikhism is a non-anthropomorphic concept of God, to the extent that one can interpret God as the Universe itself. God is omnipresent (sarav viāpak) in all creation and visible everywhere to the spiritually awakened. Nanak stressed that God must be seen from "the inward eye", or the "heart", of a human being: devotees must meditate to progress towards enlightenment
when ever i was asked who my god was, i always replied 'the universe'
Six Bardos
Shinay bardo (Tibetan): is the first bardo of birth and life. This bardo commences from conception until the last breath, when the mindstream withdraws from the body.
Milam bardo (Tibetan): is the second bardo of the dream state. The Milam Bardo is a subset of the first Bardo. Dream Yoga develops practices to integrate the dream state into Buddhist sadhana.
Samten bardo (Tibetan) is the third bardo of meditation. This bardo is generally only experienced by meditators, though individuals may have spontaneous experience of it. Samten Bardo is a subset of the Shinay Bardo.
Chikkhai bardo (Tibetan): is the fourth bardo of the moment of death. According to tradition, this bardo is held to commence when the outer and inner signs presage that the onset of death is nigh, and continues through the dissolution or transmutation of the Mahabhuta until the external and internal breath has completed.
Chönyid bardo (Tibetan): is the fifth bardo of the luminosity of the true nature which commences after the final 'inner breath' (Sanskrit: prana, vayu; Tibetan: rlung). It is within this Bardo that visions and auditory phenomena occur. In the Dzogchen teachings, these are known as the spontaneously manifesting Thödgalthod-rgyal) visions. Concomitant to these visions, there is a welling of profound peace and pristine awareness. Sentient beings who have not practiced during their lived experience and/or who do not recognize the clear light (Tibetan: od gsal) at the moment of death are usually deluded throughout the fifth bardo of luminosity. (Tibetan:
Sidpai bardo (Tibetan): is the sixth bardo of becoming or transmigration. This bardo endures until the inner-breath commences in the new transmigrating form determined by the 'karmic seeds' within the storehouse consciousness.
this describes the 'incubative' state that i believed in. i was frustrated all the while in this belief because i couldnt think of a better word for it. a better way to describe it.
Originally bardo referred only to the period between one life and the next, and this is still its normal meaning when it is mentioned without any qualification. There was considerable dispute over this theory during the early centuries of Buddhism, with one side arguing that rebirth (or conception) follows immediately after death, and the other saying that there must be an interval between the two. With the rise of mahayana, belief in a transitional period prevailed
For the spiritually advanced the bardo offers a state of great opportunity for liberation, since transcendental insight may arise with the direct experience of reality, while for others it can become a place of danger as the karmically created hallucinations can impel one into a less than desirable rebirth.
here's my belief on what determines your next life. or what determined your current one.
According to these religions, one's karmic "account balance" at the time of death is inherited via the state at which a person is reborn. During the course of each worldly life actions committed (for good or ill) determine the future destiny of each being in the process of becoming (evolution or devolution)
also,
the foundation of Hindu beliefs, which primarily include dharma, karma, ahimsa and reincarnation.
dharma is the 'religion' itself. having the beliefs of karma and reincarnation. they say that dharma is the the correct understanding of these teachings and those who follow it will reach nirvana sooner and will be able to feel the complete release in the bardo state.
karma
is the concept of "action" or "deed" in Indian religions understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect
In these systems, the effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences.
A person himself is the sole doer and enjoyer of his karmas and their fruits.
According to Paramhans Swami Maheshwarananda, we produce Karma in four ways:
through thoughts
through words
through actions that we perform ourselves
through actions others do under our instructions
Ahimsa is a rule of conduct that bars the killing or injuring of living beings. It is closely connected with the notion that all kinds of violence entail negative karmic consequences.
when i was younger, i always wanted to go hunting with my dad. i would practice for hours and hours my skill with a bow and arrow. i was really. really. good. bulls eyes almost every shot. but when it came time to shoot a turkey for a kids contest, i missed 7 shots. i went with my dad to track a doe and we found her laying screaming in pain in the forest. i cried the whole night after my dad went over and cut her throat to end her pain. i realized that night that i could never hunt. i never could imagine myself taking the life of someone else. being in the presence of a gun terrifies me. just seeing one brings a feeling of death. i wont let kyle get one. i wont have one in my house.
reading all of this... its so much for me to process. i have never in my life met a hinu. i've never been influenced by the religion in any way in any point of my life. the beliefs i came up with were mine alone. i do not believe in coincidence. and i certainly dont think that if ANYONE meditated alone on what actually rules the universe and ourselves and the afterlife, that someone would come up with there being a god, and a son of god, and a heaven and a hell. i just dont logically see it happening. i've always had a logical brain. thinking about what makes sense. and the fact that my own spirituality is actually the 5th largest religion.. blows my fricken mind. it makes me feel special. it makes me feel like i'm absolutely right and not crazy after all. when i would try and explain my way of thinking to anyone, they'd look at me like i was a crazy hippie. i am not. i am hindu.
i wrote that about a month ago. i really would like to know a true hindu's perspective on what has happened. what does this mean? how did this happen?
ever since coming to this realization i've had the same reoccurring dream: that i went to visit holy temples in india and when i got to a village with a group of very religious men and i sat and talked to them. when they first saw me their eyes got wide and they looked at eachother in disbelief. they later told me it was because of the colour of my aura. when i try to leave to go back to the hotel where my family is one of them grabs my arm and tells me that i dont understand. that i was there for a reason. that this is where i have come every lifetime and this is where i shall stay for the remainder of this one. they start to teach me the history of the religion. and once i learn it they begin to write down every word i say, following me where ever i go for fear of missing something. then i wake up.
its starting to scare me a little bit. what does this all mean?
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Originally Posted by connyxoberst
as i said, i stopped believe in 'god' when i was 6. and before then i remember questioning every aspect of it. in church i'd colour the whole time. 
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