Please guide me !

[sinner10]

In the heat of the moment and due to bad company unfortunately I engaged in sex with a prostitute. Needless to say, I did not enjoy the experience and felt very guilty. In the company of the same person I again had sex with a prostitute few months later. I was thinking I have already become impure so it does not matter.

But after that, I realized that I am falling into a spiritual abyss and decided that I should refrain from any sexual acts until marriage. Note that both my sexual acts were protected and I am free from any disease. All this happened two years ago.

However, recently, my parents have found a girl for my marriage and I am sure she is a virgin. I am feeling very guilty and am unable to decided whether I should proceed with the marriage. I can not tell my parents as it would hurt them much (to the possibility of a heart attack). I don't think I will ever get married if I tell this to my prospective wife.

Please guide me as to what should I do. What does hindu dharma say in this regard? And how can I repent for this act of adharma?

[RamaRaksha]

First of all you need to stop beating yourself over this, you are overreacting a bit. As long as you are disease free, you should definitely go ahead with the marriage, and no, do not tell your wife of your experiences.

Not that I am saying you did nothing wrong, you might very well might have caught a horrible disease like AIDS, it's lucky that you did not. Also many of these women are poor women, lured into the sex trade against their will.

If you want to atone for your sins, get involved. Join an organization that helps these unfortunate women break away from their pimps and start a new life.

Stop dwelling on the bad. There is an old saying - Opportunity comes disguised as trouble. Here is your opportunity to do something good for society. God has steered you on to the right path. Don't let the opportunity pass you by.

[sinner10]

Thanks Rama.

I am a Hindu born in a traditional devout Hindu family. Though I never took part in formal prayers etc., I have mostly been a god-fearing, conscientious, law-abiding gentleman. Except for the brief moral transgression as mentioned above.

Yes you are right.. it is a divine opportunity to do some good to the society. Just that I will need to learn to free myself from the guilt. This feelings of guilt has become more acute since the time I met my prospective wife.

I hope I will live a life useful to the society and on the path of Dharma.

[Eastern Mind]

Namaste Sinner10:

Firstly, Hinduism doesn't really have a concept of sin in the same way as the Western Abrahamic religions do. Not in the way that God will punish you. We have lifestyle tenets to guide you such as the Tirukkural, and many more. We have the wise elders who live amongst us. And we have anava, roughly translated as 'darkness' or plain stupidity. So your selection of a name itself is telling, in a way. You acted out of ignorance.

You will get different advice no doubt from different people. Then it will be up to you, and you alone to decide. My advice is to tell the truth, to everyone. This is takinjg responsibility for your actions, acting like a man, not some schoolboy lieing to his teacher that he didn't swear just to keep himself out of trouble. Telling the truth in serious situations like this is all over our scripture. It is okay, however, to lie, when it is for the good of someone, such as when a murderer enters your house, and asks, "Where are the children?" Then you can lie.

Saying that your parents may die of a heart attack is the mind's way of convincing yourself to lie to them. It is doubtful that this would actually bring on a heart attack, although the possibility would exist, and I could be wrong.

Put your shoes in the girl's feet. What happens if she ever finds out? Suppose this is after the kids arrive. Wouldn't you rather know of your spouse's past? Also, imagine if although you say you KNOW she's a virgin, that she isn't. Imagine in her high school days, she had sex with a guy just out of a moment of lust because the guy was 'hot'. Would you call off the marriage?

In your next matrimoonial ad, if this one doesn't work out, I suggest you place it yourself, state the case of having past sexual encounters (not necessarily the details) and state that you will consider someone with similar experiences. I'm sure there are plenty of young women out there who have to lie about their virginity too, just because everyone around wants to lie, or can't handle the truth. Then the double standard is gone, and you can live with yourself for being honest.

Best wishes.

Aum Namasivaya

[sinner10]

Thanks Eastern Mind,

I could have done it except for the possibility of my parents finding this out. Also, I am not sure if I would ever find a girl willing to marry me if I declare about my past experiences.

However, I think confidentially telling my prospective wife that I am not a virgin (and telling just that) would not do much harm. If she is progressive enough, she might still go ahead with the marriage, though it is very unlikely.

[devotee]

Namaste Dear,

My advice is :

Just forget that you are a sinner. "It is a sin to call man a sinner" - declared Swami Vivekananda. Even if you think rationally, what you did harmed only one person that is you .... you didn't harm anyone else. You gave money to the girl (better not to call her prostitute) for satisfying your sexual urge. That must have mitigated her sufferings.

You put your health at risk. You attracted the dirt of vasanaas ( impressions in mind). You have already harmed yourself .... don't harm any more by brooding over the past. The Divine Mother still loves you.

What to do now ?

a) Shall you go & tell everyone ?

My advice is --- NO ! The Indian society is not as tolerant as the western society is. This stigma will follow you everywhere in taunts of people around you & can throw you in despair & push you further towards in the company of people who encouraged you to do this.

You must forgive yourself. And forgive in a manner as if this never happened. In the bargain, promise yourself or the deity whom you love that you won't do it again.

Never tell this to your wife too or even your friend who don't know this. It is all very nice to say that we should be Truthful & all .... but believe me, it is only going to ruin your life. When things are going well, she won't mind but whenever there will be a dispute between you too, it would come out in the worst possible manner. And because you are already guilt-ridden it will break you psychologically/emotionally.

b) What else to do ? :

Observe fasting for a day & spend the whole day in japa & prayer. That will always remind you of your vow. It would also make you mentally stronger.

c) Regarding helping the destitute girls in brothels etc. :

It is not necessary. You don't owe anything to them. If you can do it, it is nothing like it. But certainly don't do it for getting rid of your guilt consciousness. Just get rid of it. You don't have to do anything else.

d) YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR COMPANY :

Remember, environment is, usually, stronger than will power. So, accept that your will power is not strong enough to attract unnecessary problems. So, keep yourself out of all surroundings, company which lure you into such activity.

Be in the company of good people who are stronger in will power & have high moral values. This will increase your will power. Read good books like Bhagwad Gita, Upanishads etc.

The real spirituality starts with belief in your Self. This Self is ever untainted. Meditate upon that & know that Self.

OM

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam again:

I am wondering why sexual encounters are taken so lightly? So visiting a prostitute is a small thing, one we can easily put out of out minds? As if there are no karmic repercussions? I think it is telling by the number of answers you have gotten here. You have asked a serious down to earth practical question, and yet members would rather ignore this, and go argue about how to define God. To me that says something about how to avoid hard circumstances and ideas.

Whats done is done. I agree that you have to try your best not to carry guilt. Guilt is unhealthy.

But you do have to accept that it was adharmic. Quite. What would be stopping you now from returning to same company during your marriage in times of stress, or during a post natal time when for the mother's health, you need to abstain for up to 2 months.

A sexual connection is psychic. You have psychic ties to that person, or persons whom you have had sex with. Every single emotion she has, and indeed her other 'customers' have will have subtle impact on you, even though you won't sense it. Its not something you can just brush aside. Your potential spouse needs to know this about your character. She will either forgive it or not. Perhaps you can just tell her, not the parents, and take the chance that they don't find out, but at least she deserves to know. Have you had an AIDS test? If not, I suggest you get one.

If you want to do penance, think of something more austere than fasting for a day, like a yatra in India, or kavadi if you're familiar with that.

This problem is a big one with AIDS rampant in India in the youth, and promiscuity escalating because of birth control, noit to mention the influence of Bollywood, and the loose morals of the west. How long will it be before unmarried virgins just don't exist? How long will Hindus continue to deny the problem, and keep sweeping it under the rug?

I am sorry to be so blunt and honest, but I come from a traditional path, and its hard for me to see it so lightly.

I do wish you the best, but accepting who you are is a start.

Aum Namasivaya

[yajvan]

hariḥ oṁ
~~~~~

Namast� S10,

In the heat of the moment and due to bad company unfortunately I engaged in sex with a prostitute. Needless to say, I did not enjoy the experience and felt very guilty. In the company of the same person I again had sex with a prostitute few months later. I was thinking I have already become impure so it does not matter.

But after that, I realized that I am falling into a spiritual abyss and decided that I should refrain from any sexual acts until marriage. Note that both my sexual acts were protected and I am free from any disease. All this happened two years ago.

However, recently, my parents have found a girl for my marriage and I am sure she is a virgin. I am feeling very guilty and am unable to decided whether I should proceed with the marriage. I can not tell my parents as it would hurt them much (to the possibility of a heart attack). I don't think I will ever get married if I tell this to my prospective wife.

Please guide me as to what should I do. What does hindu dharma say in this regard? And how can I repent for this act of adharma?

I see many have commented on your post... and, I do not have your answer. Let me ask, what is the lesson you have learned? That is where you will find the value of that experience.


This post may help: http://www.hindudharmaforums.com/showthread.php?t=3912

I have read and heard, the greatest sin is not knowing your SELF.
All experiences are here to lead you to that realization.

praṇām

[vcindiana]

This is indeed a test to all of us in this forum, which supposedly seeks to understand and uphold “Dharma”. I am really startled reading the responses/advices given to this “Sinner”.
These are my general observations, you be the judge.

I see how Indians and the person from west (EM) would respond differently. This tells me this is nothing to do with Hinduism or Christianity. This is how we of Indian origin were brought up differently in our values and culture. The “sinner” has been told not call himself as a sinner and just to stop beating himself. As EM puts it we cannot downplay this issue. He says “to tell the truth, to everyone, to take responsibility for his actions, acting like a man”. I fully agree with him. He goes on to say the harm that potentially would be done to his future life partner. Yes these days we see AIDS hepatitis. Herpes etc, let alone huge emotional and psychological problems.
A life partner has every right to know these. EM advises him about getting medical testing and seek his partner on his own staying honest.
This is hard for most traditional Indians who seek for arranged marriages. But this is indeed practical and wisest I advice observed. It is hard to handle the truth.

For me Dharma is to be true to be one self. How can we just keep talking about Dharma but not practically following Dharma?

My advice ? Follow truth on your own. Stick to Dharma. Do not escape. Only God forgives you

Love.... VC

[yajvan]

hariḥ oṁ
~~~~~

Namasté

Not even one blade of grass moves without His knowing.

There is little to no value ( IMHO) to bring additional angst to a person who knows they have done something that is not right. What matters is what happens now; how does one now change their behavior for the better. The past cannot be un-done.

praṇām