Feeling disconnected with "real life".

[kiya kabooter]

I am finding that I am becoming more and more disconnected/disenchanted with all the "normal" things in my life. Nothing seems to be very important anymore, but not in a depressing way! In a way that is kind of like falling in love.

I look around me and I feel like everything is dulled - things that used to give me pleasure seem silly - friendships that I used to nurture seem shallow.

I feel like everything I do in my life, I want to do to please Krishna, to nurture my relationship with him. Everything else just seems like a complete waste of time.

I don't mean things like caring for my children are a waste of time, or anything of that nature.. I just mean life in general. Everything I do now I do with Krishna in my heart. When I cook a meal, I want it to be infused with love and devotion because that will please Krishna, when I do laundry, I think of how good my kids will feel with clean sheets on their bed, because I know my love towards them will please Krishna, etc. etc.

But other things.. like just chitchatting or listening to my friends gossip (which I never wanted to be a part of anyway) or even just hanging out with friends.. I don't feel as though I am better than them, that's not it.. it's just that what they believe and what I believe are so different now that it actually makes me sad to spend time with them and know that Krishna is not in their hearts. I look at their lives which used to look so full to me before - with their husbands and their kids and their playdates and movies and dinners.. and it all seems pointless to me now, now I feel like it's just a monotony of events for them because Krisha is not in their lives and if that's the case, how can they know real joy?

What is uncomfortable for me with this feeling is that I was atheist for years and years. I had no use for religion or spirituality in my world. I thought I was happy. But I really wasn't. I see that now. But I'm not used to feeling so strongly about something that wasn't a part of my life until recently (the past year-ish is when I started to become Krishna conscious). I don't talk about it with anyone in real life because I feel self-conscious about it. But at the same time, I want to shout it from the rooftops how full your life can be with Krishna in it!

Did anyone else go through this at the beginning? Does it go away? Will I be able to hang out with my atheist friends and have fun with them and do things we used to do without feeling so disconnected again?

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam kiya:

I'm sure everyone has personal stories to tell, but in my case (and my wife's) we pretty much dropped it all. There was booze, drugs, meat-eating, partying, and a general dullness we no longer related to. So eventually we found a new community. We did remain fiends with some people who actually followed the same path we did, and a rare few others for awhile, but eventually those too dwindled.

I went to a family wedding last Saturday, and it really struck me how little they've changed, and how much we have. It was the same old same old boring drunken wedding it was when all my cousins got married 20 to 30 years ago, except this time it was the next generation, a niece. Food was the same, hall was the same, service was the same, and there didn't seem to be one iota of mysticism or religion in it. So I wouldn't have high hopes in continuing these relationships. But like I said, everybody's case is different.

Aum Namasivaya

[NayaSurya]

I have the same condition, I've spoken about it alot on here as it has gotten more severe as the years have worn on. This birthday a week ago was the first I really saw more as a bench mark of captivity.

Sounds depressing, but the cell is very beautiful...

Honestly, it's caused much of a spiritual crisis with my life. The extended family do not understand...and I have been ostracized for my dislike of some severely ...adharmic behavior. I have drifted off from them...to protect myself and my family from that influence.

My beloved eight children have become Shiva...my beloved husband...Shiva. Every person, beloved as Shiva.

This has caused me to be hurt...my heart abused. I have taken in transients only for them to rob and abuse our family. But, I strive on.

One time a wise one asked me what my goal was and I could not say Moksha. Because already so affected I worry...what will be left of this identity to raise children?

It's already worn away the one who would just throw money into lavish parties and trips. This being is no more...and the one who remains is worn away further by the great ocean of knowledge that crashes against the withered identity which remained.

I have prayed for hours every day...my whole life. Not understanding that this was an alien behavior to my world. Now, as I go further, I do not find sorrow in the leaving behind of the mundane joys I once found so wonderful.

For truly wonderful is the precious time with which I pray each day...and serve these beloved beings...the very broken off pieces of Beloved Shiva which I serve.

I have said before, as a balloon to the child's wrist I remain...

One day the child will grow up and discard me...this is truly when I will be free. Beloved Shiva willing I will see this day...if not...then next time...or the next...

[yajvan]

hariḥ oṁ
~~~~~~

namasté kiya

I am finding that I am becoming more and more disconnected/disenchanted with all the "normal" things in my life.

What you say is compelling. It is the beginning or settling in of vairāgya. This vairāgya is defined as freedom from all worldly desires , indifference to worldly objects and to mundane life-events.
Some call it dis-passion . It is a tool. It allows one to unshackle the attraction to things ( in general). 'Things' are tools to be used in one's spiritual advancement.

It is very positive.

praṇām

[Onkara]

Namaste Kiya
If I can offer anything then may I suggest you see your friends as an expression of Krishna's will and feel free of any concern when with them. The sadness is an expression of one's limit to change others in recognition of the Supreme, but it is Krishna who has lead you to know this and He is caring for them too. When they are ready they will find love in the same way as you have been brought to love.

Radiate your love and your confidence when with others and suffer not for them or for their apparent differencese. Your relationship with Krishna is an intimate gift. Your sattva will speak louder than any sermon and they will enjoy you and love you for who you now are, in return.

[kiya kabooter]

Snip - your words brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

yajvan - thank you for introducing me to this word. I am familiar with the concept on a more innate level as I have recognized this need to detach from material things and using it to better handle physical pain for many years now, but I didn't know there was a word/term/theory behind it and why it was so important. Thank you so much.

NayaSurya - I think we have similar experiences - I too have been similarly ostracized.. not in any official manner, but in a way that I can feel strongly because I am so different from my family and their behaviors sadden me so much. Their energy is so negative that I feel ill when I have to be near them for too long. It also has caused me some spiritual crisis, as you say. Thank you for responding.

EM - I understand what you mean. My hometown is similar to what you described. Everything is the same, all the time. The people are the same, the generations act the same, the problems are all the same, and there doesn't seem to be much meaning in anything. It's hard to be around that.

In my case.. I never did much of anything to begin with - I am 32 years old and although I have had a serving of alcohol on very rare occasions, I have never been drunk. For a while, it was a joke amongst my friends - who would be the first to convince me to "let go" and get drunk. It will never happen. I went through a divorce a few years ago and have been celibate since then.. again, a joke amongst my friends "Kiya needs to get laid." Once again, not going to happen, for SO many reasons, which I am sure I will talk about in a separate post when I have more time.. I gave up meat a while ago, which no one understands. I don't have any vegetarian friends or family.

Now don't get me wrong. I may sound like a boring old prude, but that couldn't be further from the truth! I am actually quite quick-witted and I always have my friends laughing (I don't share that side of me on here, because this is my time/space for spiritual development only at this time) I am quirky and lovable (from what I am told). I don't sit around and preach all day long. I have a good sense of humor and I appreciate comedy like Monty Python, which is very often offensive and very much politically incorrect, and I listen to great music and I goof around and act silly, especially with my kids. I am not this sullen, withdrawn person or anything like that.

I'm just feeling more and more "apart" from things that used to be my whole life. I keep typing things and then deleting them, then typing and deleting again, because I can't seem to articulate what it is I want to say.. I guess more and more, people just aren't understanding me. I think they think I am withdrawing, that I am depressed, that I am not prioritizing correctly. But I don't feel withdrawn or depressed - I feel content within myself and I feel, for the first time in my life, ME. And my frustration is that I want them to be happy for me, but I feel as though it is the exact opposite. That in their minds, I have gone off the deep end. And this is with me not even really TALKING to anyone about it. Imagine if I actually did!

I know I should not pay attention to what they think of me, or how they view me. It's just sad to me that I feel this whole new complete sense of joy and meaning in my life, and to them, it's almost like I'm sick or deluded. So it's hard for me to find joy with them now because I feel like I am to censor myself so as to not make anyone uncomfortable or that there are certain things I can't talk about or that they are uncomfortable around me now when they eat meat or talk about their "flings". So I don't know really know how to nurture these relationships when it just feels awkward to everyone involved..

[NayaSurya]

We really do have a lot in common, boy I wished people like you lived nearby.

My longest relationships with females ended when I found out that they were planing some "Get M drunk and take her to a gay ****too graphic".

They were going to switch out my drinks for alcoholic...

I was crushed.

I was a virgin until I married and I had friends constantly trying to get me to experiment and even made jokes about how uptight I was. It was truly sad.

So it seems it's a chronic condition amongst ones like us. Compared to what the "normal" women are doing in my culture at my age. I will take prayer any day over the soccer mom life. It's hard to be friends with those beings because we share nothing in common.

(love monty python btw:P)

[Eastern Mind]

Vannakkam: Can I join?

I've never been to a strip club, but did get drunk a bit when I was younger than 18, and experimented with a few drugs. Still, myself and my long haired friends stood out from the 'other' crowd. At the wedding, my daughter tells me that one cousin spent the whole night advising another cousin which of the girls there would be easy lays. That was his topic - all night long.

In retrospect, my first job was 'back there' but by then Gamesha was in our lives and he tugged us with his noose, or goaded us with his goad back to the city. We had Gurus to grow with, Tamil people to meet, and a Hindu temple to build. There was no time for that behavior. We had found the ethics of Hinduism and the path to the essence of life. So it's like, "Come hell or high water, we're doing this." Name changes and 'withdrawal' followed. Looking back, it was the move to the city that changed my life. Just like meeting my Guru did, but not quite in the same way. We have 5 temples, one I just adore, tons of first name Tamil anf other Hindu acquaintances who would be friends if we worked on it but we don't. There is culture all over. Just this morning I met an elderly couple from South India I know who told me the Tamil name for the mystery squash in the garden, (Some cooks tossed the innards into the garden last winter sometime, and they sprouted, so I just moved them around) and all about the new South Indian restaurant that has just opened.

Kiya, have you ever considered moving? Your karma and Krishna will follow along nicely, because they're stuck like glue. I know it sounds a bit drastic, but ... . Of course personal circumstances may prevent such things in these economic times. Just a suggestion.

Aum Namasivaya

[Alise]

Namaste,

Well since religion is in my life, I guess I'm disconnected from 'real life', one of my friends who is year younger already were drunk once, I don't like taste of alcohol, so I don't try. Fitting in was/is not really problem for me but people have classified me as weird because I'm alone most of time. I do actually like to be alone.
Sad thing is that my ex-BFF had fight & then I turned to religion & after I got her to talk with me we had fight in which she said that since last summer we are in different leagues because I'm virgin.
Then again people are degrading, one time I saw in news condoms where made smaller so the younger guys could use them [I'm talking 12 to 14 here]

In my country almost every teen is doing almost everything. Ugh, my older sister offers me to drink... But I have really traditionalist beliefs... [I'm only one in my family] Heh, I'm boring in their world but I have my own world.. (:

Have a nice day,
~Alice

P.S. I apologize for my so not appropriate post. But hey, most people here are older than me....

[kiya kabooter]

Naya Surya - yes, we do seem to have a lot in common. I wish I had a friend with a similar mind here as well.

What we differ in is our background with sex. Unfortunately, I was somewhat promiscuous for a long time. I wasn't very selective and it harmed me, both physically and spiritually, though I wasn't seeing that at the time.

During my marriage, I found out that my husband was a porn addict. It was really hard, and my views towards sex and pleasures of the flesh shifted a LOT during my marriage. Now, with my spiritual side really taking precedence in my life, it has shifted even more, and I feel very sad about the choices I have made in my life. But I can't change them and I have learned from them and grown from them, so I leave it be.

And yes, it is sad when people view us as uptight instead of just very confident in our beliefs and what we value.

No soccer mom here! I mean, I go through the motions, because I do have two kids are very involved with scouting, and skiing, and dance, etc. etc. so I have the typical "soccer mom" duties, but usually I am chanting in my mind while waiting in line at the grocery store or picking my kids up at school, etc.

EM - Have I ever thought of moving? Only every day of my life. But I don't think now is the right time. My kids are 9 and 11, and although I am learning to not become too attached to anything, my children have a very happy, stable life in this town. It's a nice town in terms of what is available for them to be involved in community-wise, and they have good friends here, and their dad is only a couple miles down the road. I cannot move out of state until they are out of high school (per the custody court order). I could move to a different place within the state (we do have a few small cities, nothing major) but that would mean uprooting them, moving them 2 hours away from their dad, away from their friends and their community.. I'm just not sure it would be a good idea.. I'd like for them to be able to make their own choices when they're older about where they'd like to live and for right now, I don't think it would be fair to move them. As soon as they are done with high school, I will be free to go wherever I want, so I am looking forward to that day. I think I'd rather wait and go where I *really* want to go (although I'm not sure yet where that is!) than to move to a more progressive (and more expensive) place right now and then move again later.

I try not to think about it too much, because it is what it is. I have made the choice to stay here, so I need to be content with being here. I cannot complain if it's the choice I have made.

Of course, I could move wherever I want - the stipulation is that if I move out of state, the kids automatically go to live with their father. It was the judge's way of making sure the kids got to have both parents in their lives, theoretically, under the assumption that I wouldn't move with that stipulation over my head. What the judge didn't account for is that if I chose to move, the kids would only have one parent present and they also failed to place the same stipulation in regard to their dad, so he could up and move wherever he wanted at any time, again leaving the kids with only one parent present. Doesn't seem very well thought out to me, but that's what happens when you place life decisions in the hands of a third party.

So needless to say, it's just not an option for me to move out of state.

And so I wait..