Funeral & emotions...
Namaste,
I have been to funeral twice. First was death of my beloved grandma & Today I was there to support my mom's cousin & her daughter (who is also my friend), cause my mom's cousin's husband died.
When about 7 years ago my grandma had insult & she was in hospital in coma, I cried all the time & when she died & there was funeral. I didn't cry. She looked like she was sleeping. I didn't realize she is gone. I did understand but I didn't believe it, if I can say so. I started crying after I had to throw the sand in 3 times [on coffin just before burial] that's when I realized she's not coming back & after funeral I cried again many times.
I knew that I don't have emotions if I don't realize that person is dead. I understand it just like that but it's just so strange. I feel sad inside but I don't cry or show anything. I feel ashamed of that.
My mom's cousin's husband was 54 years old when he died. [Actually at time of his death Christmas tree in my home fell, strange right?] He had something like cancer but it is really rare & yet unknown disease. He was in army, in very high place [he archieved a lot in his life] & at his funeral all the army men actually made me feel so strange & actually patriotic. But now more about him... He wasn't really around all the time, so I'm used to that he is & then he isn't there. I was just there in funeral standing whole time & thinking why can't I cry? I felt so sad inside & also bad for that I couldn't show that. I was still in shock, I think. I still don't realize he is dead. It's just really weird for me to see person in coffin & he looks like he is sleeping & I understand it but I don't [how to explain?] believe that he is not alive. And there was something more, most latvians are baptism/funeral christians & so person would never goes to church, never reads the bible but still has baptism & funeral & so everything had Jesus name in funeral... It's interesting how they try to make people feel better but they can't because there's no karma, no reincarnation & like that. It's logical, it was his time to die & reincarnate next body after a time, right? At least people would have feeling that he is still there. And my tradition of Hinduism teaches that soul, when person sleeps, is in same place where souls, who are waiting for time to reincarnate again, resides & person's soul can meet the person's, who died, soul, so isn't that better than talking about that Jesus 2nd coming?
I felt content, I know he is in better condition than he was before, suffering, you know. But that's not what you show in funeral, right? So all this time, I tried myself to show, to feel, to understand something I don't. I realized that maybe I'm really young soul, so that's why I don't have this feeling of loss. I will but it doesn't happen when I'm at funeral, so I just feel like a really bad person.
I would like to hear your opinions about this & I hope you can give me advice too...
Have a nice day,
~Alice
Siva Yogaswami used to say, "It takes courage to be happy all the time."
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