I had started out on the Hindu path very strong, taking in the studies, applying my learning and beliefs to my life, and really feel far happier and more peaceful with my life, but then it just all slipped away one bad day.
One day I was having a very bad day, and I didn't blame it on anyone (so don't think I"m blaming the Gods for anything, I would never blame them), but having such a bad day, and then having a meltdown just caused me to lose my drive to perform japa/meditation that night (this meltdown was due to car and college/money stress). I went a few days not feelling like I had enough in me to perform japa/meditation and told myself I'd get back to it "tomorrow," but then I fell into one of my usual patterns.
These patterns I talk about are when I start getting completely focused on one topic and one topic alone, not feeling like I'll do anything else but work on that topic.
I couldn't break myself from focusing on that alone, and the feeling of not wanting to perform japa/meditation persisted, and I started to feel the pressure on me that I really should do it, that it's something that matters to me and it truly was helping me.
Since that first meltdown several weeks ago I've only performed japa/meditation twice and have only looked at my studies briefly, if at all, and I hate that, but I don't know how to get my same drive back. I feel like I've betrayed the Gods, my faith, myself for falling back into a pattern that does nothing for me but confuse me, stress me out, and drive me insane.
I look at the beloved images of Lord Ganesha and Lord Shiva and I wish I could do more for them, get my same drive back, but there is so much going on right now it's very difficult (I still have to figure out what I"m going to do about the money I need for college).
I just wish I could feel the same joy, peace and happiness I felt when I started out. I wish I could feel the same success, and the same closeness with the Gods, especially Lord Ganesha (I feel like I may have betrayed him the most, even though I tell myself he understands and will still be there for me).
Maybe once my mind isn't focused on such stressful things I'll be able to get back to what I actually liked to do. Compared to any other faith/path I've looked into, this one has fit me the best and I actually did something with it, I just wish I could get back into it.
I just wish I didn't feel like I've betrayed them, become lazy, and lost my faith
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