Feeling tainted?
Namaste everyone,
I realise it's been quite some time since I've visited HDF, but hopefully you will not think me a stranger for my absence of a few months. I have an issue I feel I would like to bring before the rest of you, especially those of you for whom I have developed a very deep respect and friendship over the years that I have watched and benefitted from these forums. I'm happy to say that nearly 3 or 4 years after I have decided to become Hindu, I am still content with my spiritual choice and the teachings I have come to know within Sanatana Dharma. I've never felt more appreciative of my worth as a jiva, as a soul incarnated in this human life, and my love for God and by extension every other being in the universe. I have had such fulfilment in my life from it, even though I cannot boast that I have understood, read or even acquainted myself with half the things I could ever learn from this sacred path. Meeting my beloved teacher over a year ago has confirmed for me that this is my true spiritual calling, and I am so grateful I have been given the chance to renew my understanding of what this universe is, what it all means, why we're here before I gave way like so many others in this increasingly secular and cruel world and became agnostic or atheist.
While I have long abandoned my narrow-minded Christian beliefs, I can't help but feel for better or worse I have accumulated certain samskaras that have embedded themselves quite firmly in my psyche. These range from relatively minor ones, to ones that could potentially harm me and others around me. It's been a while since I've been spiritually active (japa mantra, puja, even prayer), and I feel this has only troubled me even more especially when I read some topics on this board that say some souls treat God as a parent, and only go to them when they need help and forget them in times of comfort. I really hope I can say this is not the case with me.
Recently, I have felt "tainted". It's a horrible word, and a horrible idea. I feel like I'm living in the old mindset I'd had when I was Christian - that I'm a sinner, that I'm no good, I was born bad and impure, that I'm doing wrong and God's watching me and judging me. Things and circumstances in my life have changed recently to make me know it's not just my imagination. I've met knew people, have had to deal with some hardships and have had some deterioration of close relationships which has made things difficult to set aside time to sit down and pray. The result is that I've come to question my behaviour recently and I feel confused and shamed. It's silly, I know. My philosophy within Hinduism tends toward the advaitic view, so I know God is not as I had perceived Him when I was younger (i.e. external, monotheistic entity living up in the clouds with emotions and desires seperate from us). And yet I feel my upbringing clouds my spiritual sense of peace, sometimes.
Has anyone any advice they could give me to combat these impressions I've been raised with? It really has made me become spiritually unhappy sometimes, and makes me question my worth as a good Hindu and spiritual aspirant. My problem is that on a secular level I feel good, but that sometimes I feel like I've spiritually taken a downturn. I don't know what to do sometimes. I pray to Sri Ganesha as a start to help remove the obstacles I need to get me back to feeling at peace with myself and not see myself blackened for the things that have happened. I feel what I'm going through has made me question my ability to follow dharma as I ought, and if maybe this pressure to conform to it has strengthened this idea of me being tainted in character. Any constructive thoughts are welcome.
Om namah Shivaya
"Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."
ॐ गं गणपतये नमः
Om Gam Ganapataye namah
लोकाः समस्ताः सुखिनो भवन्तु ।
Lokaah SamastaaH Sukhino Bhavantu
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