Hello everyone ! (annoying Kitty is back ^^")
Well, I ask once again for you opinion. Since I get deeper into Sanatana Dharma, I now face a strange situation. And I would like to know if, as Hindu, or as followers practicing Sanatana Dharma, you feel the same too.
I will be honest: I am not a perfect being. I am not the perfect devotee. I'm very limited about going to the temple, I can be lazy sometimes, I tend to being jealous and angry sometimes...I'm not fully vegetarian yet, it's difficult because of my culture and the misunderstanding of my family. I haven't read all the scriptures, I do not know the Veda, I have no guru, I don't live in India. I'm not a super intellectual understanding machine...
...But I do feel really intense devotion.
Since the dream that lead me to Tamil Nadu and on the path of Sanatana Dharma, I have changed and now that I look in the past, I feel miles away of what I was before.
When I had the dream of Lord Mahadev telling me to go to India, I was a ignorant teenager.
When, much later, I had the dream of Lord Mahadev showing me how to worship Ganesha/Maa in a temple, I was more instructed thanks to the scriptures, and I changed.
Two nights ago, I suffered of sleep paralysis during the night (basically, your body is asleep, but you are fully counscious. So, you are unable to move, and enter a state of panic that lead to auditive/touching hallucinations)
Immediately I began chanting Om Namah Shivaya in my head, and concentrating on the point betwee my elbrows. Then, naturally, my mind became detached from my body, I did felt the touching, the noises, but no panic crisis. Always with the mantra, I placed my Lord between my elbrows and offered puja and aarti to him. This done, I enshrined him in my heart, with Ganesha and Maa Durga. I touched the feets of Lord Ganeshji, I prayed and hugged the feets of my beloved Mother on her Lion. Then, I prayed deeply to my Lord Shiva, touched his feets, bowed to him, chanting his mantra...Finally when I was done, I was still paralysed. But no more panic, no more hallucination, just emptiness, and bliss, just like leaving the temple after getting Darshan.
A bad experience turned into a great one.
Yet I'm not special in any way. So why ? I'm not making anything up. Why did Lord Shiva, one day, one night, turned his gaze on me ?
Now I'm still not a perfect devotee. But more and more and more I go deeper into Mahadev.
Sometimes, I become like mad. My mind goes dark, my body feels weak and fragile...Because I miss my Lord.
I truly, sincerely want to let everything go, to cut every attachement, and to leave to India living renunciation. Dedicate my full being to Lord Shiva, free of all bonds.
I do realize everything it implies. Believe me, I really do. Some might say "you will be cold, you will be hungry, you will be bored..." But how can I be? I will be at full service to my Lord, if my lord wish me to be cold, to be hungry, I will with his names on my lips. How can I be bored, dedicating my life to Him, seeing Him all around me ? This is bliss !
I have this strong, irrationnal desire. This is devotion yes...But then, slowly, my rationnal mind come back, saying "no, you cannot live you family, you cannot give up your studies, you have to find a work, you have a man you love..."
But... I still feel incomplete. I still feel terribly attracted to renunciation, even if I am young, even if I have a man, even if I have to find a job...Every goal seem so empty comparing to dedicate myself to Lord Mahadev !
Do you feel this need too ?
What is this feeling, why do I feel it ! It troubles me, as I do not see myself as a "good" devotee, at last, I do not practice every rule strictly... Yet I perform "little" sacrifices: I don't smoke, I don't drink, it's been months since I haven't had any sexual activity...But it is too easy ! I naturally have no desire to smoke, to drink, to have sex...The more I go to the way of Sanatana Dharma, the more I change and experience Him. But the sudden realisation, the sudden need to come closer, to renunciate, is coming up in my mind without warning, without me controlling it...
I am so sorry to disturb you with this stupid thing...But I am really intrested in any experience, any advice or opinion about this, if you want to share something, please feel free !
Aum~
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